What do I SAY!?! | Imamother

Nomad

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 10:15 am

its because of this...

"But her DH called my DH about 20 minutes later and asked my DH if I could watch their baby!!!!! They only felt comfortable with me bc I was so nice to them on Shabbos!!!

She has since called me everyday and begged me to watch her baby..what do I say!!! "

....that I would say NOOOOOOO

this girl obviously has MAJOR boundary issues!

shirafruma

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 1:03 pm

OP here...

My DH told the husband flat out "Did you ask my wife" and apparently her DH said "my wife asked and your wife said no" so my DH said "Then no is no, what do you want from me?" Her DH "You cant you tell your wife to do it" My DH said "Not if I want to live to see another day"..(exact conversation, heard from DHs business partner as call was on speaker phone bc my DH was cutting a diamond during the conversation and was ticked off about being disturbed, but picked up bc he didnt know the phone number...

I get this girls point, but I wouldnt do it bc even though I am going away for Pesach, she a) has to learn how to cope b) I have to be able to spend time with my kids and c) I HATE CHANGING DIAPERS! And that includes on my own kids! d) this girl's husband can EASILY come home from kollel to help her. Night seder is OPTIONAL! Didnt anyone ever hear the story of Rav Kotler!!!??!!!!

I saw the girl today in the grocery..I kinda avoided her...

WriterMom

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 1:19 pm

shirafruma wrote:

Recently we moved ot a different neighborhood in the same area.

A young couple with a 5 month old baby lives across the st...the husband learns in kollel and I dont know w hat the wife does.

My husband invited them over for the meal friday night. We had 21 people, and I got displaced fromt he table bc we ran out of chairs. (which I was totally ok with....I got to go around the table and speak to new guests, etc.) I saw that this girl and her husband were frustrated bc they thought the baby would go to sleep. He was sitting quietly in his carriage, looking at everyone and playing with a toy. But they really wanted him to sleep. So I pushed the stroller gently and he fell asleep after about 20 minutes. I am happy this girl got to eat and relax, etc.

Fast Forward to Monday: DH comes home from school at around 4:30. This girl called me at 1 and asked since I am not going away for PEsach, could I watch her baby for a few hours while she gets some Pesach cleaning done. I have a 2 yr old, and I really dont like watching other peoples kids. (meaning, I am HAPPY to have my kids friends over for a playdate, even my daughters friends...but I really dont want to watch a 5 month old baby...) I asked from what time and she said from 2-7! I said I'm really sorry, but I cant do it, I have my own kids, must get son from bus, etc. I really tried to be nice and friendly, and I offered to help her find a hs girl who could take the baby to the park etc.

She then went on and on about how hard it is to make Pesach, I have no idea since I dont do it (shes right, b"h we go away every year) and her baby is difficult, why cant I help out, my kids will entertain her baby...

I was in a restaurant at the time in a business meeting, so I cut the call short. But her DH called my DH about 20 minutes later and asked my DH if I could watch their baby!!!!! They only felt comfortable with me bc I was so nice to them on Shabbos!!!

She has since called me everyday and begged me to watch her baby..what do I say!!!

The entitlement here really bothers me. Yes, making Pesach is hard. Yes, the transition to motherhood can be hard (I had more trouble with number 1 than any of the others.) Yes, you're going to the park anyway ...

But this isn't your responsibility! It couldn't matter less that your kids could help entertain the baby, that you don't have to make Pesach, and so on. None of this means that you have any obligation to babysit her child, for free OR for pay. And the fact that she doesn't get this, and in fact got her DH to call your DH (!!!) is really a bit disturbing.

I am the kind of person who, if I were asked, would probably say sure to watching someone's baby for an hour or two (but not 2 - 7!) But with someone like this, who's trying to take advantage, I'd run a mile. If she's giving you this much of a hard time when you've only had her for Shabbos once, I can't imagine what she'd be like if she started to think you WERE her personal babysitter!

If you live across the street and are part of the same community obviously you want to stay cordial, but yes yes yes on imposing some boundaries. Something my grandmother told me (and it's easier to say than to do): don't be afraid to say NO. Politely, nicely, but without equivocation.

"Can you watch my baby this afternoon?"
... "I'm sorry, but no."
... "I'm not in a position to do that right now."
... "No, I can't."

Don't even open the door on how you don't have to make Pesach, you're going to the park anyway. Just stick to "no." Think of it like dealing with a toddler!

SivanMom

Fri, Mar 19 2010, 1:27 pm

I wonder what this person will be like when she has 3 kids - or 5. I find it extremely odd that she is being so persistent. I'm not at all surprised that she asked you though. I work from home and I can't even count the amount of times people have asked me for something "because I'm home anyway." I've been asked to baby-sit (no, sorry, I'm working), pick up children from school because they're shopping, make phone calls, you name, I've been asked. People will always think that they're lives are harder then yours for whatever reason.

Liba

Sat, Mar 20 2010, 11:49 am

If her husband is in kollel he should be home for bein hazmain now. The situation sounds odd and I understand you not being ready to jump and do when her expectations are so high and she is pushing so hard.

mae1984

Sat, Mar 20 2010, 11:59 am

Could it be that she has post-natal depression or something similar that's making her act so desperate?

MamO3

Sat, Mar 20 2010, 4:57 pm

I think she sees you as some kind of 'superwoman' you mentioned you had 21 people over and you even had time to get her baby to sleep.
With these type of people if you're not firm they will just never get it.

mominlkwd

Sat, Mar 20 2010, 6:21 pm

I think you should tell her your flattered that she thinks you are so capable, but at this point you just aren't as amazing as she thinks you are and you can't take this on right now. I don't think you want a neighbor who hates you living near you that's why I suggest doing it nicely instead of saying "handle your own kid - you only have one for goodness sake" which is what I think you should really tell her Very Happy

MommyZ

Sat, Mar 20 2010, 6:22 pm

mominlkwd wrote:

Or if I wanted another one I would have had another baby already.

imasinger

Sat, Mar 20 2010, 6:32 pm

Shirafruma, how have you handled it in the past when people have made inappropriate requests, or pushed on boundaries? Can you call on your past experiences to help you deal with this one?

Merrymom

Sat, Mar 20 2010, 7:08 pm

Sorry this goes beyond weird. Even in my most pathetic spoiled days I wouldn't have dreamed of asking another mother to watch my baby. Honestly this woman doesn't sound normal. I'd be very very careful of her. If she can ask this what else is she capable of? The husband doesn't sound very normal either ("can't you tell your wife to do it?"). OTOH if she is as crazy as I think she and her DH are I really feel sorry for that baby. If they get worked up because a peaceful baby won't go to sleep what else are they doing and what else will they do? Be careful.

shirafruma

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 6:41 am

Imasinger,

In general, I usally avoid people in life who would make such requests. I can see it coming from a mile away...

My husband was being nice. We actually ran into this couple in the park, and I realized the mother is not well physically, so I think that sorta lends the hand in this situation. In any event, I learned two lessons from this situation: Be thankful that Hashem gives you what you can handle. MY kids may have a lot of chayos, but its a good kind! I learned that B"H, my DH has the ability to take over when I cant cope anymore.
Lesson #2: From now on, if my DH invites you for a Shabbos meal, I want a complete mental health screening before arriving: Just Kidding...or am I....??!

imasinger

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 7:55 am

LOL. And I think your DH handled the phone call from her DH so well! I guess if you're feeling nice, and they're new to the area and all, you could share the names and numbers of a few babysitters.

luvsdarkchocolate

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 7:57 am

From another perspective...

Everyone here is assuming this woman is trying to take advantage of OP and maybe she really is just the kind of person that uses people - you may be right. But I think there is another possibility.

Is it possible this is the first time she made Pesach and she is trying to do all the preparation to such a high level that she is being unrealistic, but feels that she has no choice?

The other thing that makes me wonder is:

Quote:

My DH told the husband flat out "Did you ask my wife" and apparently her DH said "my wife asked and your wife said no" so my DH said "Then no is no, what do you want from me?" Her DH "You cant you tell your wife to do it"

If this is the way her husband thinks wives are to be treated, this woman may need more then just babysitting help. Her husband may feel that the house and kid(s) are her job and it is not his problem.

Maybe OP could just offer emotional support and remind her Pesach prep is not supposed to kill you.

Just a thought.

mominlkwd

Sun, Mar 21 2010, 12:41 pm

luvsdarkchocolate wrote:

From another perspective...

Quote:

hmmm, good point. When I read that I though he was just being snarky but now that you said that I'm looking at it from a different perspective. If he does think a husband controls his wife than it's a while different issue. But that still doesn't mean OP has to give her free babysitting a week before Pesach LOL

shirafruma

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 12:24 pm

I dont think the husband controls her from what I am seeing. I dont think he is smart enough to do it. I think he is very opionated about a lot of different things he doesnt really know enough about..I dont think that makes him controlling, I think it makes him young (he is only 21, like just had a birthday 21) and I dont think he is expieranced enough in marriage. And the wife she is really really timid, she prob. only asked me bc her DH told h er to do it...she also isnt smart enough to think of this by herself.