Naming after parent

amother

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 12:51 pm

I definitely want to name a child after my deceased parent, it's our family minhag and would be a great honor. But I have already been having such a hard time recovering from the loss, I can't imagine having to think of my parent every time I call my child's name... What do you do?!

Could maybe add a name and use the other one, even though I really favor calling people by their full names. I also can't think of anything that combines well, even though the parent's name itself is a very nice one.

Has anyone been through this and can share their feelings? Does having a child with your parent's name make healing harder or easier?

Ruchel

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 12:54 pm

My grandmother was named after a sister of her mother who died as a child. But it pained her mother so much to have to think of her sister everything time, so she used nicknames or a close sounding name.

5S5Sr7z3

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 1:04 pm

It will help you heal, believ me. My son is named after my father, and it gave me a sort of closure, if you know what I mean. It will help u move forward. I am very proud to have been the first of my siblings to give a name after my father (and he's spoiled rotten as a result!!!). I did add a name at the end, but I rarely if ever use it. My father had 2 names but was only known by 1, and that is the one we use for my son.

busydev

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 1:08 pm

as IYamWhoIYam said.

Also before you add a name- some rabbanim say that you shouldnt add names if naming for a parent, even if they died in a strange circumstance( young etc). my grandfather added a name to my uncle because his father dies at 40 and he was not frum. When his Rav found out he told him off- that no matter what you dont add a name for a parent. so maybe ask a shaila first...

amother

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 1:15 pm

(OP here)

Yeah, I'll have to ask a shaila anyway because a name was added to my parent due to sickness and we're not sure whether we should keep it.

On a related note, I'm not the superstitious type but it totally gives me the creeps to think that I probably conceived my first child at the exact same time as my parent's neshama left this world. I can't seem to stop that thought from spooking me out. Don't get me wrong, I want this kid and I want it now but still the timing is creepy! Help!

Nomad

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 1:41 pm

wow OP (((hugs))), first if you are pregnant now and conceived when your parent passed, this sounds like it did not happen too long ago and the pain is still fresh...

also, the idea of it IS crazy, to think that the conception and passing happened around the same time. very sad. and very scary.

but whatever you decide, it will be the right decision.

sarahd

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 5:01 pm

Perhaps it would be helpful to name after your parent but call the child differently than your parent was called. Eg. If the parent was called Yossel, call the child Yosef. That's what I did.

mommy#1

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 6:22 pm

my father was niftar some time ago, and my first nephews named after him were so so hard. one was called the same name as my father, and one by a different nickname. the nicknamed one was totally fine, but it was hard on all of us to call the one who was called the same as my father. for months, my mother just called him "the baby". finally, after having many many of them bh, its a bit of a nechama to call them all by my fathers name, and every time I say their names, I think of my father

Yakira

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 7:19 pm

hugs OP. I'm sure this is an emotional time for you. For me, it wasn't so hard because my father was called by his English name. Still it makes his death that much more real and causes me to think about way more than before my son was born; just any random person that asks who he's named for makes me think of him. But the continuity and connection is amazing.

do you know that you are having a boy? What a zchus if you could name for him within the year. And what an emotional bris that is sure to be...

life'sgreat

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 7:32 pm

amother wrote:

I'm sorry for your loss.

Naming after a parent might also bring nechama. I think it's hard to know ahead of time how it will make you feel. I can imagine the beginning being difficult, but then you can find solace in that.

Pickle Lady

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 8:13 pm

My husband's father passed away (this passed tishrei) when I was 4 months pregnant with our son. We named our son after his father but my husband also felt weird about it. I reminded him that it was a great zchus for his father's neshema. My FIL was called by his English name and we call our son by the hebrew name. So I guess its a bit different.

jewels

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 10:10 pm

I'm so sorry...it must be awful to be in the position where you actually have to think about that. A close friend of mine's father died unexpectedly and during shivah both of her sisters had their babies and both were boys. They each named after their father and it was closure and comforting for them and I think it makes them feel closer to their father as well.

PinkFridge

Mon, Mar 22 2010, 10:14 pm

I think that had my mother gone by her Jewish name and not her secular name I would have had a very hard time naming my daughter for her, but that she didn't made it easier for me. Also, the time factor. I've heard it's a special zechus for the nifter(es) if it's within the year but I have to wonder if that's just to console the parents.

As far as adding a name:
- I assumed we had to so we did. We don't use the name we added but it was a direct matrilineal ancestor of my mother, so I felt that if DD chose to use that name, I could make peace with it. (She didn't.) OTOH, my brothers didn't add names - they asked and were told it wasn't necessary. After kicking myself, some years later I saw (don't remember where) that Rabbi Heinemann (am almost 100% positive it was he) said that if the nifter(es) was under 50 one should add a name. Please don't take this as "gospel" and do ask your own rav.

A few thoughts that I found consoling:
- At least we know the names.
- At least the names we've used come from very fine people.

And if you just can't do it (yet), maybe you shouldn't.

amother

Tue, Mar 23 2010, 1:22 pm

(OP here)
Just to answer above question, no I don't know what I'm having yet, don't know if it's the same relations as the parent. But I still find myself thinking what if...

amother

Tue, Mar 23 2010, 1:26 pm

It is very hard. I think you shouldn't make a decision now. Wait until the baby is born & you're holding it.
Sil was pg during shiva. She said that she was hoping to have opposite gender so she wouldn't have to make that decision. She had the same gender as parent that died. She ended up using the name & is really comforted by it. Not everyone would be so soon. That's ok. Maybe discuss it with your parent if you can.