My son hurts me all the time

amother

Tue, Aug 03 2010, 1:14 am

My 2 year old is constantly hurting me, he scratches me badly. he grabs a hold of any part me, face or hands hands and claws me. I cut his nails recently but they grew back real fast and are long enough to hurt but too short to cut.
I've tried saying NO real firmly and with an angry face but he finds it funny and does it again. I tried pretending to cry, he doesn't fall for it. I keep telling him NO in a real upset voice and "you are hurting me"
"stop it"
I tried distancing him from me he just comes hurling himself right back at me.
I don't know what to do anymore short of smacking his hand. Is that so wrong? I know some of you will say that smacking him is just teaching him to smack but how else can I signal to him that what he is doing hurts me?
so far it's the only thing that seems to stop him in his tracks.
any advice?

c.c.cookie

Tue, Aug 03 2010, 1:49 am

I think you definitely have to punish him - it's not fair to you, or to him (I'm sure he can feel that you are tense and angry when he does it.) If just saying no firmly isn't enough, I would add some time out. Either put him in his room for a few minutes, or just say, "When you hurt mommy mommy doesn't want to play with you" and remove yourself. I wouldn't recommend hitting him, though I'm generally not against the occasional patch, because in this case he will not see the difference between him hitting you and you hitting him - he hits you, you hit back. Good luck!

amother

Tue, Aug 03 2010, 3:54 am

so I tried that earlier on and he cried and then scratched me again and so I smacked his hand again and he did it again back and forth. I tried holding his hand and not letting go but it just made it worse.

so then later on when he started biting me (I forgot to mention that too) I tried putting him in time out, which is a new concept for him. I don't think he got it what I was doing when I put him in the other room coz he came right back but he did stop biting me for the moment.
Oh well I'll keep trying to do that and see if he stops doing it.

thanks

Grace

Tue, Aug 03 2010, 6:43 am

In this instance I would have thought that smacking his hand however lightly or hard is giving a very confused and mixed message. He hit you so your hitting back... almost like a game, who can hit harder.

I have found the use of time out to be more successful than anything my child was/is a hitter and its taken consistency and perseverance but time out IS effective when you done properly and and seen through, even if that means putting him back 60 times before he gets 'it'.

About the pretending to cry thing: someone just told me in the past week NEVER CRY IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD... so I though the reason was because the Child might find it alarming... no she says to me its because that makes you seem vulnerable and out of control and your child will take advantage of this and cash in on it. I think best way is to show that your very much in control and your the Mommy and your not taking this nonsense... Its been a big shock to my 2yr old that I actually run the house and not her. The first couple of weeks will be tough but I think you should see positive results after that.

Good luck.

sneakermom

Tue, Aug 03 2010, 7:51 am

Every time he hits or bites, in the most matter a fact way, put him immediately into his crib for two minutes.

It's a perfect time out because you don't have to shut the door or anything - in fact leave it wide open. Just place him inside and walk out!

Two minutes later walk back in and say something like are you ready to behave, okay. Repeat as often as necessary. Works like a charm.

amother

Tue, Aug 03 2010, 8:25 am

thanks all, I will be more consistent with the time out however sneakermom I was told never to use the crib for punishment because then you are associating bed time with a punishment too. Their only association with their crib should be sleep.

Grace wrote:

About the pretending to cry thing: someone just told me in the past week NEVER CRY IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD... so I though the reason was because the Child might find it alarming... no she says to me its because that makes you seem vulnerable and out of control and your child will take advantage of this and cash in on it.

this makes sense but I'm assuming it only refers to crying because of things like kid hurting mommy or not being able to cope with the house or stuff like that. Crying for other reasons like if something sad happens I don't see a problem with. Kids are allowed to know their parents are human and have feelings and compassion.

Grace

Tue, Aug 03 2010, 8:36 am

amother wrote:

Grace wrote:

Yes obviously - I was really only refering to situations like these, look just recently my dd had me in tears 3 times in one afternoon - really not like me at all but I had strep and she was just being so difficult and playing up something awful. I was crying because quite literally she had the better of me I was pulling my hair from her and I just felt totally defeated. Crying because your sad, about something NOT RELATED to their behavior but something external is natural and it would be misleading if children thought parents never get sad sometimes too.

In reference to the time outs in the crib, I too was told to do this and instinctively felt that making the crib or even the bedroom for that matter a place for punishment was a peculiar thing to do. In no way did I want dd associating her bedroom or bedtime or nap time with anything remotely reminiscent of something bad or punishment. Having said that I know many many ppl who use bedrooms as punishment to great effect... Personally just didn't want to risk it, bedtime can be a hard enough as it is.

Barbara

Tue, Aug 03 2010, 12:10 pm

ewa-jo wrote:

Smack his little hand and say "no!"

Yes, because hitting someone is the perfect way to teach him that hitting is wrong. Rolling Eyes

For one thing, you need to keep his nails very short, so he can't scratch you. When he goes to hit or scratch, grab his hand and tell him firmly NO. We don't hurt. He use gentle touch. And demonstrate gentle touch.

JRKmommy

Tue, Aug 03 2010, 1:02 pm

Less talk, more action.

Him hurting you needs to result in immediate loss of access to you. This could mean crib, or playpen, or high chair, or stroller, or you leaving the room if everything is completely safe. Repeat as necessary. He'll soon get the message. It's not fun to be alone for a toddler. The problem with saying no repeatedly, fake crying, etc. is that it CAN become a fun game to a toddler.

imasinger

Tue, Aug 03 2010, 5:10 pm

I agree with previous 2 posters. You might want to use positive touch whenever possible, and look to vary his sensory diet (give him lots of different safe things to handle and squish and crawl through and jump on and whatever). Show him how to "make nice" by stroking, patting, or otherwise gently touching. When you see him using those skills, praise him. If you see him starting to get wild, try to redirect him BEFORE he crosses the line -- teach him to hit a pillow, throw something soft, run around, or otherwise express his feelings in a safe way.

When he does something inappropriate, it's worth considering restraining him in a safe place. You can use a playpen, buckle him a seat of some sort, or whatever. Make sure his "time-outs" are very short -- 1-2 minutes should be plenty. At the end, you can remind him briefly and kindly, "That time-out was for hitting. We don't hit. All done!" The message is that he gets plenty of attention and physical stimulation under certain circumstances, and none whatsoever when he does something inappropriate.

MordKiv

Tue, Aug 03 2010, 9:31 pm

If you want to be positive, try this. When you see your child is about to bite you, say, "Wow! I see you really want to bite Mommy but you are controlling yourself! That shows such good self-control!" 2 is young, but the more you do this, the more it will help.
Also, get this book http://www.amazon.com/All-Chil.....r=1-4

The methods in there really are very helpful!
Good luck!

ValleyMom

Tue, Aug 03 2010, 11:32 pm

Actually ladies, Barbara hit the nail on the head. The INSTANT he is aggressive (I.e. scratching, hitting, smacking etc.) hold his hand firmly and say "NO!" in a firm voice.

Then

Take his hand and gently guide him to stroke your arm and say something like: "Nice and softly, or Gently please...."

Remember---

Use a soft soothing melodic voice as you guide him to stroke your arm in a gentle downward stroke.

Keep repeating this until the misbehavior is corrected.

Be patient this will take time.
Good luck!

amother

Wed, Aug 04 2010, 1:45 am

munchkin wrote:

sounds like he needs your physical touch.
at other times in the day, look for opportunities to hug and kiss him. massage or rub his back, legs, etc. just touch him in a loving way. at least 10-20 times a day.
let me know if it helps.

OP here

you kidding me? although not my only child this kiddo came after a long and anxious wait. You bet I eat him up ALL day. He has no lack of physical touch from us Smile

ValleyMom wrote:

sigh! That was the FIRST thing I tried doing. Didn't get me no where

I'll stick to trying the time out for now. I'll let you know if it worked