Bullying and how to handle it..What do I do??

amother

Wed, Aug 04 2010, 11:04 am

Anon because of how much detail I want to give
My son came home from camp yesterday crying hysterically that kids were making fun of him during a game. He's 10 and this has been an ongoing issue during the school year as well. I'm not quite sure what they're teasing him about and that's the part I just don't get. He's smart, very tall, not short and wimpy, very good in sports, dresses nicely, looks put together and mostly he's the nicest sweetest boy in the world who wouldn't hurt a fly. In fact he has a good friend in class that he stands up for when he's being teased. He's ultra sensitive so I am aware that he takes things very seriously. One other very key piece here is that my dh travels extensively for business. He's gone for most of the week and comes home for Shabbos and sometimes he's only home every other Shabbos. This is for parnassah and right now there really isn't very much he can do about it. So my son is really dealing with a lot.

This particular incident really sent me over the edge because apparently when the kids walked away from him one of them spit at him. 2 different mothers called me this morning to tell me that their children came home from camp very upset that these boys were acting like this. They said my son was crying and telling the kids that they have no idea how much they're hurting him, that don't they realize how hard it is for him that his father's never home.. I cried when I heard this! Because these mothers called me I know it's not my kid just overreacting. It also seems to be the same kids who bother him in school. I spoke to the head counselor and he said they don't tolerate these things and he would deal with it immediately.

I guess I'm kind of at a loss as to what I do now. Do I harp on it and ask my son every day if it's still going on? Do I just tell him to not listen to them and ignore them and say boys will be boys? Do I call the parents also? And to the mothers of bullies - how do you handle it? How would you handle it if another mother called you and told you that your son was torturing another kid? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

sim

Wed, Aug 04 2010, 11:12 am

I'm so sorry for your son, and I also am so sorry for your pain. I can relate. Do not, however, ever ever ever call the parent of a bully and address them about the problem. They will immediately go on the defensive and you will probably get nowhere and possibly exarcerbate the problem. You are doing the right thing by notifying the adults in charge. Don't hover over your son -- keep in touch with the head counselor. If he knows the whole deal (husband not readily available, son very sensitive) it's okay to ask him to give you some kind of progress report every other day or so. This way, he'll be sure to go out of his way to keep an eye on this group. The people in charge in schools/camps aren't uncaring, they just can't be everywhere at once and a lot of this behavior can slip their notice very easily. If he knows that you are very concerned and on the case, he or a subordinate will make sure to keep closer tabs. (and if it helps, a special gift or bigger tip at summer's end would be appropriate). At the same time, good parenting would be to talk with your child about how to avoid/prevent/deal with this type of tormentor. There are professionals who can help you with this. Good luck. May you have nachas from him.

Chayalle

Wed, Aug 04 2010, 11:28 am

sim gave you very good advice. My daughter was in a classroom situation with a bully, two years ago, so I learned a few things during that year.

On the one hand your child must be safe. I agree DO NOT CALL THE PARENTS but do call the daycamp. Let them know that the situation is ongoing and find out what their policy is about bullying. If they do not do anything you may have to remove your child from the camp. A child has to feel safe. Hopefully they will let the bullies know that their actions will not be tolerated, and the issue (if not too far gone) can be laid to rest.

(In our case the bully actually had to be removed from the class because she had ruled for too long to be able to relinquish her position. That's why it's so important to deal with this ASAP. If left too long the action needed has to be much stronger. And I actually feel really bad for the bully, who really is a girl from a difficult situation who has little self-esteem, so she had to push others down to pull herself up. Sad. And sad for the parents, too.)

On the other hand, you must also work to build up your child. It's great that he's ready to stick up for others. He also needs the confidence to stick up for himself. In our case, I sent my DD to a social skills group because the bullying was over a full year. She learned to laugh off comments, and it made all the difference. After all it's no fun to pester a brick wall. She gained confidence and had her wounded self-esteem built up again.

Contrary to some misconceptions, a child can be bullied even if he/she has confidence and self-esteem (he just may never have dealt with a bully before and is caught by surprise.) The child can be well-dressed, nice personality, from a happy home. We might never know why our DD was the object of bullying. In our case we speculated that maybe it's because she's very very petite for her age - the shortest in her grade - but we don't know if this is true. (Because on the other hand, lots of girls think my DD is very cute and pretty so she doesn't necessarily get bullied for her height, and she has alot of friends....) So it may or may not have anything to do with the fact that your son is having it rough with your DH travelling.....

Hatzlacha

amother

Wed, Aug 04 2010, 11:45 am

Thank you all for your advice. I got a call from one of the mothers that the head counselor did indeed take this very seriously and he spoke to all the kids at length about this, and I only brought this up with him a couple hours ago. B"H he's the type that doesn't stand for any of this behavior. About not talking to the parents - my dh spoke to one of the parents already because he grew up with the mother and figured he could be honest with her. He got a very good response, she wasn't surprised that it was her kid, and she went to the camp to talk to him. I was extremely grateful and impressed with how quickly and firmly she dealt with it, it really meant a lot and I know that this particular kid will hopefully not be an issue anymore.

Interesting because she wasn't surprised. Do most mothers know that their children are bullies? Do they do anything about it like this mother did?