R U TEEN EXPERT?: Signed up for Face Book behind your back?

chavamom

Wed, Apr 07 2010, 5:34 pm

Tamiri wrote:

The thing is, she went behind your back. Short of grounding her for life, how do you think you can maintain control over her? The answer is: mutual trust. I think that if you cut her some slack and show her you trust her judgement on some things, she may quit going behind your back because there will be no reason for it.
You already mentioned that she's become less Chassidish - so she's trying to find a way other than yours. If you discuss that aspect with her and listen to what she's saying, you may gain a bit of trust. If you attack her for seeking out another derech and for trying things that are forbidden in your home, you may find yourself with more disappointments.
It's not easy, good luck.

I'm going to be brutally honest here. A 16 year-old? There is not much you can do. If you punish her and this is something she wants to do, she'll just become more sneaky about it. Trust me, she knows WAY more about how to hide her account - or will shortly - than you ever will. She can block you so that it appears she doesn't exist on facebook to anyone that she doesn't want to see her profile. And that's just for starters.

So what can you do? You've already made your POV clear. She knows. Either she respects that or she doesn't. As someone once said, as your child moves through the teen years, your job moves from one of executive in control to that of sales department. Even if she doesn't accept your POV right now, you let her know what that POV is and hope that she internalizes it, even if not now, later. Your job at this point is to not ruin your relationship over it.

Tablepoetry

Wed, Apr 07 2010, 6:54 pm

I love facebook. It's my connection to all my old childhood friends, who now live far, far away.
But it can become a frivolous, ridiculous waste of time. I have to tell you, I was shocked when my Chabad cousins started to friend me one by one (I have a very large Chabad side of the family). I thought they didn't have internet, let alone facebook!

I soon discovered all the Chabadniks in Israel are on facebook. I can see this by checking out the friends of friends, or seeing who writes on another's wall. OK, not ALL the Chabadniks, but a great many in the aged 12-40 group.

Being rather liberal myself, it doesn't really bother me that the girls and the women there are 'friends' with men (most are probably brothers, inlaws, etc). What bothers me is the familiarity with the lowest common denominator in popular culture. The teens especially post quotes from inane TV shows. They swoon over the shallowest role models, like the Israeli winner of Big Brother. They post pics of themselves, dressed all tznius, but with a s-xy vibe (you know, a sideways look, etc). Their 'friends' all clamour to comment on how 'mehamemet' and hot the picture is. (Don't they realize men can see this too?) Married women do this often when they've got a new wig to show. They're more familiar with stupid celebrity figures than I ever was.
I was really shocked at first. My sister and I couldn't believe it when first we were 'friended'. We thought our Chabad cousins were far above all this. Facebook gave us an intimate look inside their lives, and we were kind of disappointed. I should emphasize that I now have Chabad 'friends' from many different families, cities, countries, etc. They all go to Chabad schools. At least my side of the family are all frum from birth.
While of course many maintain respectable facebook pages with intelligent comments, many (especially the teens) do not. Just checking out the walls of friends of friends of friends shows me how widespread a phenomenon this shallow jargon is.

Sorry this is so long. This is my first post on imamother, guess I got carried away. And sorry I didn't really help with the problem. All I can do is commiserate. It is so hard to raise teens. In your place, you may have no choice but to just let it slide. I wouldn't ask for access, she'll never give it to you, or she'll create a fake account which you can see. A 16 yr old does deserve privacy. It's no longer an age where you can demand you listen in on each conversation (which is what facebook is, a conversation).

But it's so hard when they no longer listen and you no longer wield any real power. I'm at my wit's end also, over different issues. Good luck.

debsey

Thu, Apr 08 2010, 1:57 pm

This is not an INTERNET problem or a FB problem, this is a relationship problem. She went behind her mother's back. I probably would allow her to keep the account after I have a strong DMC with her about why she would go behind her parents back.
This could be nothing, or it could be "tip of iceberg" stuff.
involve a mental health professional - maybe make going to therapy a condition of her keeping the account - find out which it is by involving a neutral third party who can help you restore the relationship between the two of you and who can help calm you so that you know what is really going on.
Deb

Atali

Thu, Apr 08 2010, 2:06 pm

debsenr@gmail.com wrote:

You never went behind your parents' back as a teenager?

I don't see how this is unusual and why it requires therapy. My suggestion would be to let her have Facebook but insist that she friends you.

Ruchel

Thu, Apr 08 2010, 3:31 pm

doubledrudgery wrote:

I see this

Fox

Sun, Apr 11 2010, 12:18 am

Atali wrote:

debsenr@gmail.com wrote:

You never went behind your parents' back as a teenager?

I don't see how this is unusual and why it requires therapy. My suggestion would be to let her have Facebook but insist that she friends you.

I've also faced this, and I think this is the best idea -- if your daughter is willing to go for it.

My kids have all heard Mr. Rosenthal speak at conventions, and here's the problem: his advice and examples are, frankly, aimed at the lowest common denominator -- the most stupid kid out there. So while his cautionary tales aren't precisely wrong, they don't address what I consider to be more realistic dangers. For example, my kids and their friends were all laughing about an example of a girl who traveled out of state to meet an Internet "friend" whom she'd never so much as exchanged phone calls with. Now, I don't doubt that such things have happened, but that's not the way most teenagers behave, and most people with common sense would not do such a thing.

BTW, this, IMHO, is a very, very serious danger of anti-Internet hype. When parents or other people make a point by telling stories that are based more on the stupidity or gullibility of the protagonists rather than being more honest, they run a significant risk of losing credibility with the very people they're trying to influence.

It sounds like the OP is really trying to work with her daughter; there's not much you can do other than keep the lines of communication clear and daven. Hatzlacha (to all of us!)!

lamplighter

Sun, Apr 11 2010, 6:18 am

I agree that most teenagers are not going to meet with a strange man whom they never met, most are not doing Dangerous things, unless their complete idiots. And they will tell you this themselves. The issue really is the hashkafa dangers. They might post pictures that are inappropriate, or friend people you wouldn't approve of. They can watch inappropriate clips and see untznius other else. Talking about facebook in general is not going to get you very far because your average teenager is going to hide behind the screen of "I would never do anything dangerous or my mother doesnt really get what goes on here anyway, there's nothing to be afraid of". You can and should discuss the "hashkafa dangers" with your daughter. She can have facebook whether or not you approve. She can friend you and filter out the stuff you don't want her to see. There is little you can do in terms of that. What you can do is talk to her about your concerns and educate her (either by yourself or with someone who is experienced with this). The trust issue still stands and that discussion is on a league of its own IMHO.

amother

Sun, Apr 25 2010, 11:41 pm

When I was a teen I did some stuff that wasn't approved of either. I had been sent to a very close-minded, ultra-yeshivish type of school. No internet, no long skirts, no denim. In elementary it wasn't really kept to or cared about. Technically I could've done anything if I got around my parents. To tell you the truth, I never wanted to daven. Then, most girls stayed in that same type of school for high school. The problem was that we were tiny-10 girls! I wasn't allowed to switch for high school until right before school when I was too nervous to switch to new surroundings and didn't have time to make smart decisions. Basically, it was the worst move I ever made. I stayed in the class I had and the few normal girls from my class switched out and one girl came in. The high school was wayyyy to yeshivish for me. I followed the rules in school but out of school (but in front of ppl from the school) I totally went against everything. My parents were more yeshivish so they were horrified by me. In high school, the more they spoke against things, the more I purposely did them. I went behind my parent's back and made a fb account and email. My father was choshuv in the community so it was also sort of a pressure for me. I felt like I had to prove that I'm not a frummie like my father. My father knew how to help everyone other than his own child and so I ended up being raised by a rav, not a father. My mother didn't know how to raise teens any more than my father ( or maybe it was cuz I was the youngest?) I ended up wanting a boyfriend and doing everything in the middle of the night or when my parents and sis. weren't home. I was still in this sheltered school and was dieing to switch but too scared to switch for tenth grade. I ended up staying all four years and getting more rebellious by the day. Funny enough, I still felt embarressed about the fb account and didn't want anyone to recognize me so I did a made up name. I didn't display my pic. either. I had no friends there so I played around and got myself some girls and boys. Now I'm over with that stage but my daughter seems to be heading in her motehr's direction. I am trying to correct what my parent's did wrong ( not so sheltered, not told no to things I don't necessarily approve of but I explain what I don't approve of it) I am really davening for her. I recovered and hope she will too. I dont think that anyone who finds their daughter on fb should punish. Their child is in pain. Show them unconditional love and hopefully they will return. G"LUCK!!

GreenEyes26

Mon, Apr 26 2010, 12:59 am

I feel like you're never going to win this one. If you grow up in a community that completely shuns things like FB and email, if she really wants to do it, she'll just go behind your back and do it, and lie to you.

When I was a teenager and AOL first became popular, my parents had internet. But they didn't want me to go in chat rooms or AIM boys or visit inappropriate websites or later, watch TV and movies online. But I did all those things. I got around filters and if my parents questioned me, I just lied.

They also didn't want me to watch TV or movies at friends, either, but I did anyway.

Teenagers do what they want and lie to their parents, ESPECIALLY teenagers who live away from home.

And I was a good kid, otherwise! I didn't have any real rebellious phase, I did well in school, didn't talk to boy IRL, etc etc. But I did whatever the heck I wanted online. And now it's even easier! In my day, you couldn't go to an internet cafe or the library or get a cheap netbook with Wifi or even internet on your cell phone or iPod touch! It's a losing battle with the internet over here.

Bottom line, she's a normal 16 year old girl and the entire world has FB. There isn't really much you can do to keep her off it, if she really wants it.

israelmom

Thu, Aug 05 2010, 1:54 am

FACEBOOK....
Ahh. Not great but almost impossible to stop.

I have three kids with email and facebook - 20,18, 16. For the past two years, I banned both email accounts and facebook from my house. Then, I found out that my kids had all set them up at friends' houses.

We talked about it. I wasn't happy with hearing "Everyone has it!" etc. I am now their "friend" on Facebook though I know that I am blocked from some things. I promised not to comment directly about anything that I saw or read. I don't, but we do occassionally talk in general about topics that are sparked by what I see there. Photos that I think are inappropriate. Language that is crass. Etc.

I feel a bit powerless because if I forbid it at home, access is definitely availalbe elsewhere. Plus, my kids are older.

I have a daughter going into High school who was just turned down at one of her high school choices partially because I was unwilling to lie when asked if my older kids had facebook accounts.

Oh well...
Frustrated but at least glad that my kids are talking about theri issues with me.