Talking to my children about my FIL who is dying.

aidelmaidel

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 4:17 pm

My FIL is on life support. It is a matter of days at this point.

My 6.5 year old and almost 8 year old are asking lots of questions.

We dealt with this in 2006 when my father suddenly passed away, when they were 3 and 1.5, but obviously they are older and more cognizant now.

They hear us talking. I have to be careful what I say to them in front of my DH because to a certain extent my DH and his family are in denial - even though the doctors have told them as such, it's painful for them to acknowledge it.

I've explained to my children that death is something that only happens to people who are very very old and that it's not happening to mommy or tatty or to them any time soon. That grandpa is very very old. That Hashems decides when someone is very old that they did all their mitzvos and brings them back up to shamayim.

My 6.5 year old has lots of questions about the difference between a guf and a neshama. She asked, "Can you show me your neshama mommy?" Help

I can see she is struggling with this.

While I'm not particularly close with my FIL, of course, I understand what my DH is going through after suddenly losing my father 4 years ago. I feel for him, but it's not my father, so I can at least try to be the support person here for the family.

I guess I'm looking for advice on how other mothers have handled this. Thanks in advance.

Sherri

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 4:23 pm

aidelmaidel wrote:

I've explained to my children that death is something that only happens to people who are very very old and that it's not happening to mommy or tatty or to them any time soon. That grandpa is very very old. That Hashems decides when someone is very old that they did all their mitzvos and brings them back up to shamayim.

I do not have the answer for your general question, although I do recall a thread within the past couple of months discussing this with what I thought were great insights for kids. I will try to search and link.

The only thing I want to comment on now is what you say you have explained to your kids. I actually don't think it was the best thing to say- it's simply not true. There are young people who die, and although you want your children to feel safe, how can you tell them what's going to happen or not happen? That's a dangerous thing to do. We don't know. I know that it's scary, and you just want to make them feel safe, but I think the way you presented it to your children should be re-thought and discussed.

I am sorry that your family is going through this, and hope Hashem gives you all the koach to deal with hardship and all the issues it comes with.

aidelmaidel

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 4:32 pm

Sherri wrote:

The only thing I want to comment on now is what you say you have explained to your kids. I actually don't think it was the best thing to say- it's simply not true. There are young people who die, and although you want your children to feel safe, how can you tell them what's going to happen or not happen? That's a dangerous thing to do. We don't know. I know that it's scary, and you just want to make them feel safe, but I think the way you presented it to your children should be re-thought and discussed.

I am sorry that your family is going through this, and hope Hashem gives you all the koach to deal with hardship and all the issues it comes with.

I knew this was going to come up. We were advised to take this tact because my kids bio-dad deserted them about 6 months before my father died. My kids have *SERIOUS* abandonment issues. Several child therapists told us to take this tact. Obviously as my kids get older we will have to address this issue, but for the most part they need to be reassured that their *mommy* isn't going anywhere. (In the space of a year their grandmother died, their father left, their grandfather died, their great grandmother died, and we moved.)

Sherri

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 4:35 pm

aidelmaidel wrote:

Sherri wrote:

I hear you, and it's good that you clarified, because that information does change things.
(In general, it is hard to get solid advice without posting the whole story in the first post.)

Did these therapists give you any other tools?

Chana Miriam S

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 4:36 pm

Last week, the 35 year old son in law of my friend died in his sleep with a 10 year old and a three year old. I guess he had not heard that apparently young people are not supposed to die, neither from natural causes, or accidents, or violence.

when my father in law was dying, we had a 7 and 4 year old. we were simple and honest about the fact that he was sick and that there was nothing that could really be done for him, except to do as much as we could to make him happy and give us happy memories with him while he was alive. every week, they visited with him (from another city) and sang songs and taught him parsha they learned in school etc. they were never scared, because they understood the wires and lines were to help saba be more comfortable until he died. my kids are not scarred from this experience and while we all miss him, we all know we did the right thing. oh. and they both went to the funeral and the veldt as well.

dying is a part of life. sucks when it happens early, but it can. imagine how untrustworthy you look when cv someone you know dies young.

Chana Miriam S

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 4:40 pm

I just saw your explanation now. I still think honesty is best, but clearly you are following the advice of professionals, so not sure why our opinions are relevent to you at all . you should do what your professionals tell you if you trust them. don't listen to us. we just know us.

meanwhile, I do wish you all chizuk and love. most of all acceptance.

aidelmaidel

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 4:50 pm

chanamiriam wrote:

Thank you. I'm so sorry for your friend. It is very sad to lose someone, young or old. And a professional can not always have the answers - that's why I'm asking for what others have said to their own kids.

Honestly I was kind of taken aback when she asked to see my neshama. I had no answers.

Sherri

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 4:55 pm

About the neshama questions- I don't think your answer either way will make a difference to your children's emotional health. I think you can tell them it's a good question and you need to think about it, and come back to them with a good answer- not urgent.

I wish you siyata dishmaya!

PinkFridge

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 5:49 pm

Having been through this my first thought is, ashreinu that we have clarity. Of course this won't be easy, and depending on whom we're dealing with there aren't OSFA answers. But at least we do have answers, and faith, and a mesorah. May you see rachamei Shamayim every step of the way.

ValleyMom

Tue, Aug 10 2010, 9:22 pm

I relate to this post.
My FIL died of lung cancer after nearly two years on treatment and procedures.

My children are 18, 15 and 9 so emotionally they are at a different place.

FOR ME--- I was very honest with my kids. We davened and hoped for the best but when the doctors said that he had months... that's what I told my kids. His death was still devastating but it was not a total surprise-- it was expected.

My nine year old sobbed at the funeral after he shoveled dirt but I believe he was responding in a very emotionally healthy way. My 15 and 18 year old cried a lot too but it was an emotionally apropriate response.

I still cannot believe he is gone. We all miss him terribly.

I am so, so, so sorry you have to help your children go through such a devasting stage in development.