Feel like I'm failing as a mother

amother

Mon, Aug 16 2010, 10:12 am

I'm feeling really guilty about not giving my toddler enough attention. My baby is 16 months old, and I just don't love playing with her on the floor, which is, of course, what a 16 month old wants you to do with them.

I mean, I take her to the park and feed her, play with her in the bath, dress her, change her, etc. But if I'm not needed to actually care for her, I'm usually just super lazy and get on facebook and imamother. I'm mad at myself and embarassed (so thank you, I don't need to be humiliated any more than I already am…) and I don't know how to get myself out of this cycle.

Sometimes I think that my daughter acts out a bit (throws things, hits me) because she's trying to get my attention, and now that I've realized that, I just feel awful. I feel like I'm shortchanging her and I'm going to hate myself for it later.

I need to discipline myself. Any tips? Does anyone else experience this?

Mommastuff

Mon, Aug 16 2010, 10:17 am

you sound like you need a vacation from your kid (who doesn't need a break from a toddler?!)
Did you try playing for only a few minutes together at a time? How about playinh with her with one hand while you go on the computer with the other? Or hook her up with a toy when you need seperate time?

Hatzlocha (with any age!)

Nomad

Mon, Aug 16 2010, 10:22 am

maybe set aside specific times during the day when you will play with her. you can think of different things to do with her during those times and it may help with the disciplining yourself part. also, if you go on the computer later, you wont feel so guilty because you kow you spent time with her already...

good luck!

SivanMom

Mon, Aug 16 2010, 10:25 am

I have this feeling many times, and whenever I stop to think about it, it's always the computer that seems to be my problem. So I've started doing something recently - when my kids come home from daycamp, my computer gets closed, and I don't open it again until they are asleep. Then, even if I'm not actually on the floor playing with them (they are 3.5 and 2), they don't feel that I am ignoring them. Since your baby is younger, maybe you can do something similar for a few hours every day. maybe after nap time, close the computer till supper or something like that. Even if you are not actually playing with her, you're head will be there and you will engage her in conversation and she'll feel like you're paying attention to her.

yfrh

Mon, Aug 16 2010, 5:56 pm

I had a time with a child- that I was contantly tired and it took a few years to regain my energy. I took care of her but I did not have much closeness with her; it was just following the motions. (I was not on the computer, at the time I did not own one.) I would be in the room with her often and would clothe, feed and clean her. so she knew I was there for her. at age four or five she became very clingy I connected it to the time I was a bit distant. So I allowed her to hold my cothes and constanly be with me.
she is now ten and a happy child. she does state that she wishes we had more pictures of her (especially when compared to the other kids in our family, older and younger)

Do your best that she is not feeling left alone and take pictures of her and make a photo album. babies don't remember what you did with them but they retain how you made them feel- hopefuly secure and happy.

amother

Mon, Aug 16 2010, 10:58 pm

OP, I have been feeling the exact same way and behaving exactly as you. I am caring for my kids, feeding them, etc., but not interacting with them, I'd rather be on the computer. and I was actually thinking about posting about it on Imamother!!!

So you are not alone. Let's be better mommies and try to cut down on our computer time. Hug

Israeli Mother

Tue, Aug 17 2010, 5:10 am

Others suggestions of cutting down on computer time and spending a few minutes on the floor with your child are very good but I wanted to add one more thing for you to think about:

Children go through various ages and stages and we all have our favorite ages/stages. You will be a better mommy at some stages than others just because it fits your personality better. Some people are just not into playing on the floor with their kids but they are great at other things when their kids are older. You might be a great mommy to a pre-schooler or to a school-aged child or great with teenagers. So make sure that you give your child lots of love and attention other than floor-play and before you know it, she will have grown into other things.

shatzileh

Wed, Aug 25 2010, 9:01 am

Motherhood is fuuuuuull of ups and down, and the phrase 'tza'ar gidul banim' doesn't only refer to infants and teenagers. I'm sure everyone here has been through this in some way on different levels. I was a bit different - my child needed lots of attention, and I gave it to him, but I felt myself getting bored and resentful sometimes a la 'why can't he just play by himself while I do housework/homework/check email.'
One thing that helped was getting a job. Or get a babysitter for a few hours a day/week. Getting some time to yourself helps relieve that 'always being a mommy' feeling (I found naptime just wasn't enough). And, you appreciate the time you spend with your child way more.
Another thing that helped for me was a little time. Kids get more interactive as they get older, and before you know it you can be doing activities with your DD that you may enjoy, like coloring or building blocks, and really talking about it.
However, with both cases, try to get out of your slump. Kids are very resilient, and if you're right about the cause of her 'acting out' you can probably fix it fairly quickly. Adults' behaviors, however, are harder to change. If this is something you're serious about correcting, you're on the right path already by acknowledging it. For a few minutes every day, make a concious decision to stop what you're doing and sit with your daughter, specifically at a time when you'd rather not.
Good luck!