my dh & I disagree BIG TIME about teen dd

ruth

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 4:28 am

my dh is very controlling (of my dd and I) He has a very bad temper and I have told him that because of his anger problem, he's lost credibility/respect from my nearly 16 yr old dd. (eg, erev Sukkot, several times he called me an idiot in front of her. ) He blames me for every infraction by her because I am "laxed."

She looks older than her age and likes that she attracts the attention from young men.
She wants to be able to talk to boys and wants a more liberal dress code. She wants to go without stockings. I allow her to go with a long skirt without stockings which is a big deviation from the norm.

When ever I try to discuss things rationally, my husband always puts me down and says that I need "help", etc...My dd resents my husband's strictness She's told me she can't stand him anymore. has told me she is questioning some fundamental things about Yiddishkeit. She has always had a problem with davening, but she is doing well in her limudei kodesh courses)

I am seriously considering divorce,but in the meantime, I don't want to lose my dd. I've thought of finding her a boarding school, but I am concerned about her desire for more worldliness and contact with boys, etc.

She is still on-the-derech, but we are at a real cross roads right now. She is a strong student and would like to go to Bruria; yeshiva of Greater Washington, etc. Does anyone know of an appropriate school that would offer scholarships for boarding? The other problem is that my husband entirely controls our finances == what little there is.

amother

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 2:06 pm

my husband thinks I am wishy washy with our 16 year old. Wear something one day next day I say no car yes car no...computer yes computer no..it is really hard. I don't want to loose her on the other hand I don't want to be manipulated by her...I am so upset by this and of course it is all my fault....

amother

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 4:01 pm

your DH needs to understand that DD needs fatherly love and needs to be able to respect him. many teenage girls seek attention from boys because they do not feel enough love/attention from their father. from personal experience as a teenager, I dont recommend allowing DD to deviate from the norm dress code wise- tell her as long as she is in HS she needs to dress a certain way, I would also learn the halachot of tzniut with her- perferably with a book that has commentary- like to see why we should dress this way and why dressing innapropriately isnt so good-- (and while I personally could care less about stockings, if your community is big on them, then you need to support that veiw- because you are showing her you dont respect the rules, so why should we-- Its a tough one but I realize now that my own mom wore stockings to shul and dressed more tzniut only for us- now that the kids are married, she got rid of the stockings and is in sandals and a little more liberal. lol.
Anyways DH needs to have a rabbi/psychologist speak to him about the proper approach to parenting and raising DD successfully. (and while your discussing the situation with rav/therapist- mention his verbal abuse-hes gonna get an earful from them...

amother

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 4:01 pm