my dh & I disagree BIG TIME about teen dd

ruth

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 1:28 am

my dh is very controlling (of my dd and I) He has a very bad temper and I have told him that because of his anger problem, he's lost credibility/respect from my nearly 16 yr old dd. (eg, erev Sukkot, several times he called me an idiot in front of her. ) He blames me for every infraction by her because I am "laxed."

She looks older than her age and likes that she attracts the attention from young men.
She wants to be able to talk to boys and wants a more liberal dress code. She wants to go without stockings. I allow her to go with a long skirt without stockings which is a big deviation from the norm.

When ever I try to discuss things rationally, my husband always puts me down and says that I need "help", etc...My dd resents my husband's strictness She's told me she can't stand him anymore. has told me she is questioning some fundamental things about Yiddishkeit. She has always had a problem with davening, but she is doing well in her limudei kodesh courses)

I am seriously considering divorce,but in the meantime, I don't want to lose my dd. I've thought of finding her a boarding school, but I am concerned about her desire for more worldliness and contact with boys, etc.

She is still on-the-derech, but we are at a real cross roads right now. She is a strong student and would like to go to Bruria; yeshiva of Greater Washington, etc. Does anyone know of an appropriate school that would offer scholarships for boarding? The other problem is that my husband entirely controls our finances == what little there is.

odchai

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 3:03 am

I also have a 16 year old daughter and sometimes my dh seems to be particular about certain things that I do not consider so important but: 1. my dd is close to her father and gets along well with him. and 2. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!
You two must speak to someone and figure out where you are going with raising this teenage daughter of yours. He may be too strict but you seem to be pulling the opposite direction and she is caught in the middle and although she thinks she doesn't like the restrictions, she does need parameters and she is still a child. She really needs rules and structure, everyone does! It is inherent to Judaism, everything about our religion is structured, it is your job to guide her and teach her this. You are the parents and you are supposed to be partners. Find someone to speak to soon.

Yocheved84

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 5:27 am

Don't send your daughter away. She'll resent you for it, and the freedom she'll have in being away from home might lead her to experiment with non-tznius clothes (and possibly activity). Most teenage girls have issues with their fathers, but this seems like more than the usual.

On a frequent basis, she is witnessing abusive speech (him calling you names in front of her). The result is that she might actually believe some of the filth he spews b/c she hears it so much, while at the same time resenting your husband's temper. (Speaking from first-hand experience here.)

PLEASE--work on your relationship with your husband. You don't want your daughter to go OTD or end up in a marriage where she copies the behavior she sees.

And while you're at it, is there an older sister or family friend your daughter can confide in re her issues with Yiddishkeit?

Tzippora

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 8:22 am

She's 16, not a child. Sending her away might not be a terrible idea, if that's what she wants, especially if her father will be taking out some major issues by acting aggressively against both you and her. My bias would still be to keep her home, but allow her the type of discretion you have been granting - she's still frum, she wants a slightly different derech.

Having been in and seen many people in similar situations, her answer will be: what I want isn't unreasonable, and my father is being unreasonable by resisting. It's not unlikely that her frustration will build and backfire in less-than-ideal ways.

Obviously, you and your husband have some stuff to work out, since name-calling and putting you down are unacceptable. The best way to make sure that your daughter doesn't feel totally put-upon is to work with her to understand the best derech for her and support her in pursuing that in an acceptable way. You're a good student? Great, let's see if we can find you a school where you can be happy and continue to excel.

HindaRochel

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 9:03 am

Name calling is wrong. But whoever said getting on the same page is important is correct...at least for the major issues. (it is okay if you disagree but how you disagree is the issue).

I would seek outside help. Get a Rab bi to sit down and discuss what you should emphasize what you s hould not with your daughter.

As to boarding school. I know of a child whom was helped, however, the child has slid a bit from frumkeit (but that was the direction this child was taking anyway). I think the child will probably slide back. Just check out the school; see if it matches your child's personality while still emphasizing Torah values.

ruth

Sun, Sep 26 2010, 6:15 pm

thank you all for responding. I just want to re-state what I mentioned in my original post: I know the problem is my "relationship"with my husband. That is way I mentioned that I am contemplating divorce. He is extremely abusive, verbally, economicaly and emotionally. I deal with these issues in the closed abuse forum. I am posting in the open "rearing teens" forum because I want greater feedback about options for schools and dorming. Plus, I would like to hear from others "who've-been-there-and-done-that" with their teen dd.

Should a mother "be on the same page" with an abuser? No. But there are things that I do agree with him. It is not me that is undermining his authority, he is undermining the authority of both of us! He is sabatoging his own principles by his bullying. I am spending my energy deflecting his hostility and this makes it hard to see options.

I would like to hear more from those who posted about schools. My dd is not going to a BY high school, would Gateshead be appropriate for her in this case?

does anyone know of a rabbanit-type person who can maspia me about this?

Anyone have info on Yeshiva of Greater Washington? I know that they do have a dorm.

Tzippora

Mon, Sep 27 2010, 7:02 pm

ruth wrote:

I knew lots of people who went to YGW. I didn't think they had a dorm, but they did have a strong network of families that would board girls. I don't know if you're in the NY area, but I did get the impression that Bruriah had stronger academics than YGW, which couldn't hurt if your daughter wants the stimulation. No idea how they would deal with boarding or dorming, but it certainly would be worth asking.

Other options would include some of the girls' schools in Queen/LI, like Central or Shevach, for example. I do feel like Gateshead would be far to the right of most of these schools though, I always thought it was more BY.

Please feel free to let me know if you have any more specific questions. I don't know any rebbetzins to refer you to, but definitely wish you the best of luck!

Merrymom

Thu, Oct 21 2010, 3:58 pm

Imho, girls rebel with boys for one reason, to get the affection, attention, and love that they are not getting from their father. I don't know if this is your case but if it is you need to explain to dd that not everyone is like her father and explain the dangers of hanging out and how rebelling against her father shouldn't have to mean rebelling against yidishkeit too.