Article About Divorce In Ami Magazine

saw50st8

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 9:09 am

I didn't read the article.

I do think pre-marriage counciling would help with the divorce rate because it is likely to prevent marriages that would have gone through otherwise.

Most divorces I know have been for legitimate reasons (drugs, cheating, abuse). I know one woman (2nd marriage) who got divorced for ridiculous reasons according to what she told people. I also know one divorced woman who said if she knew how tough divorced life would be she probably would have stayed in her marriage. But that's 1 out of so many more...

People want to pretend that Jews are perfect and Jewish marriages are perfect and divorce doesn't "jive" with that. Never mind that we aren't Catholic and that divorce has always been part of the halachic process...

bashinda

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 9:39 am

StrawberrySmoothie wrote:

First of all, I would like to say, I did not read the article and I am glad I didn't.

That being said, I think there is enough of a stigma towards divorcees and single moms, that we do not need articles with scare tactics. WE NEED MORE SUPPORT!!

Instead of society contributing to this stigma and making pariahs out of divorced women, people should show more support. No one gets divorced for the fun of it. Its not fun, its hard and scary!!

Please tell us how we can do that. I, for one, would love to know but am clueless.

I think Sister to Sister sounds like an amazing organization though. B"H, at least the frum world has that.

StrawberrySmoothie

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 9:55 am

bashinda wrote:

StrawberrySmoothie wrote:

Please tell us how we can do that. I, for one, would love to know but am clueless.

I think Sister to Sister sounds like an amazing organization though. B"H, at least the frum world has that.

From what I read about sister to sister, it is amazing and does fill the need for support. Bais Chana in MN also had a weekend for single moms this winter.

But for every person in their daily life, talk to divorcees. Dont ignore them when you see them because you dont know what to say. But talk to them like a normal person, because they are.

Invite them for Shabbos and Y''T meals. If you can, have your husband offer to take their sons to shul.

Dont ask questions that put them on the spot or are nosy. If they want you to know what happened, they will tell you.

Do no blab on and on about your husband. But dont not ever mention him. Thats just as bad. It should be to a normal extent. And when you do bring up your husband, do not go on and on and on about how amazing he is at everything in the world. Its like stabbing an already bleeding wound. Yes, I am very happy for all my happily married friends, but I dont need to hear nonstop about what I am missing out on and how lucky they are...

StrawberrySmoothie

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 9:58 am

saw50st8 wrote:

do think pre-marriage counciling would help with the divorce rate because it is likely to prevent marriages that would have gone through otherwise.

So true.

saw50st8 wrote:

divorces I know have been for legitimate reasons (drugs, cheating, abuse). I know one woman (2nd marriage) who got divorced for ridiculous reasons according to what she told people. I also know one divorced woman who said if she knew how tough divorced life would be she probably would have stayed in her marriage.

A few people told me that divorced life will be so hard, I will wish I was back with him. Rolling Eyes

Well thats not for them to decide, cuz they werent living with him!

Chayalle

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 10:22 am

BasHinda - in answer to your question, I do think that lots of people stayed together even if they were miserable, in our grandparents generation.

My grandparents are an example of this. They were both good people but so very different. My grandmother was a sophisticated, intellectual person, from a cosmopolitan background, who appreciated deep discussions and fine things....my grandfather was a simple, good-hearted man who had no understanding of my grandmother's world at all.

My grandmother did not want to marry my grandfather, but her parents insisted. Both of them came from families with great yichus and both sides wanted the shidduch. So they married and stayed together. Even as a young child, I saw the discord all the time, with my mother caught in between.

And they were both good, decent, loving people. They simply should have been allowed to marry someone suited for them. But divorce in that generation, in their circles, was unheard of.

I know other people like them. When I was in seminary in Israel, I used to visit an elderly relative. She was married to a fabulously wealthy man (he was one of the builders of one of the more expensive neighborhoods in Jerusalem - not mentioning which to protect privacy) and she would stay in their apartment in Israel when he went to their home in NY or Switzerland. As soon as he came to Israel, she left for another home. She complained to me about him incessantly. But divorce? Never! The grandkids might not get shidduchim (even with all that $$$)! They fought all their lives....but I have to say, their children married and raised lovely families.

Maybe it's the secular culture creeping in that allows people like them to choose to divorce?

StrawberrySmoothie

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 10:38 am

Chayalle, there are cases I know like that. Where the couple never really wanted to get married but did anyways because of pressure or whatever. In those cases, the solution is NOT divorce, but rather, don't push your kids to marry someone they don't want to AND for the kids- speak up and don't allow your parents to push you into marriage.

Divorce should be a last resort, not a back up plan in case you just don't like the person.

robynm

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 11:34 am

StrawberrySmoothie wrote:

bashinda wrote:

StrawberrySmoothie wrote:

Please tell us how we can do that. I, for one, would love to know but am clueless.

I think Sister to Sister sounds like an amazing organization though. B"H, at least the frum world has that.

singleagain

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 12:51 pm

I only skimmed this thread, but, to answer the original question, I am recently divorced myself, I can only say, that if me and my ex had had premarital counseling, there is a chance we would not have gotten divorced, yes, we tried counseling before we made the final decision but by that point, we were both extremely stubborn and set in our thoughts. and the main reason we got divorced, is that we had communication issues, we didn't know how to talk to each other, and that IS something that can be figured out in premarital counseling.

they say you can never really know a person until you live with them, but counseling can help open your eyes a little bit.

I personally feel that we should make premarital counseling a part of the whole getting engaged/marriage process.

Nuts

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 10:50 pm

ILOVELIFE wrote:

btw, what'd you think of the article in this week's Ami Living on this Rebetzin who defends divorced women? Think it was in reaction to the other article? the annoying thing was I couldn't figure out who this Rebetzin is IRL and is she remarried? Did I miss s/thing?

The article was pretty strange, in my opinion. It didn't seem real that some woman travels the world to protect other women.
Also the example they gave about the wife whose husband didn't want her to fly back to Israel and hid her passport from her. I think they made it sound much worse than it really was. The couple could've resolved it without her butting in.