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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Thu, Jun 16 2011, 3:50 pm

Long story short, a friend married a child to someone that I don't get along with. Yes, the dil posts here. Yes, I tried for years to be the dil's friend. It didn't go.

The parents, our friends, are big on guests and we have eaten there on Shabbos and yomtov for many years, so I invited THEM to US for yomtov. When they suggested WE come to THEM as usual, it came out that I don't care for her dil's company and the mother, my friend, got sort of weird about it..

Truthfully I'm not 100% about the MIL's feelings towards the DIL. I could be wrong, but the MIL has said criticisms that I have overheard. Believe me, this dil's shoobie DOES stink, whether the MIL wants to admit it to herself or not.

She also states unequivacably that "family comes first" and I respect that ... but Do I have to love all of her kids, their spouses, and her grandkids? Where is THAT written?

Lady Godiva

Thu, Jun 16 2011, 3:56 pm

I don't think it's a good idea to stir up trouble between MIL and DIL.
You don't have to be friends with your friends' kids-in-law. Just be civil and don't badmouth them. It can have bad consequences.

chocolate moose

Thu, Jun 16 2011, 3:58 pm

I don't think that I'd like to spend a Shabos or yomtov meal with someone who makes my blood boil. I'd stay home.

Fox

Thu, Jun 16 2011, 4:44 pm

Oh, goodness! It's hard enough to marry off children, let alone to marry them to people we can tolerate. If we had to add in our friends' feelings? No one could ever get married!

Who knows the family dynamics -- you may detest this young woman; your friend may even dislike her . . . but she still may be perfect for your friend's DS. Not your business.

Whether to grin and bear it through a Shabbos meal depends on how much you value your friendship. Personally, I would probably grin and bear it a few times a year. If you find that too difficult, simply find ways to spend time with your friend in other settings and decline the Shabbos/Yom Tov invites, telling her that you want her to have time to create wonderful memories with her grown children and DILs/SILs.

Raisin

Thu, Jun 16 2011, 6:43 pm

never a good idea to tell someone you do not like their child/spouse/dog/child in law. Even if they do not love them totally themselves, they may still take it as criticism of themeselves. After all, if they would be a perfect mother, their child would be perfect. And so would childs spouse.

Merrymom

Thu, Jun 16 2011, 10:56 pm

Why are you stirring up negativity towards the dil, that's a difficult enough relationship as it is. If you're going there for your friend, how bad can it be if someone else is there that you happen not to care for? What does shoobie mean anyway?

farm

Fri, Jun 17 2011, 11:16 am

Merrymom wrote:

What does shoobie mean anyway?

Fox

Fri, Jun 17 2011, 11:30 am

farm wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

What does shoobie mean anyway?

I wondered, too, but I figured I'm just old and out of it. LOL

Barbara

Fri, Jun 17 2011, 11:32 am

Merrymom wrote:

A shoobie is someone who commutes to a beach (ie, brings her shoes). Locals don't like them because they crowd the beach, and often litter or otherwise don't follow beach etiquette.

But in this case, I think the OP meant fecal matter. As in a stuck up person doesn't think her fecal matter stinks like other people's, but it does.

Mama Bear

Fri, Jun 17 2011, 12:22 pm

shoobie as in shoebox as in house?

OP, if the DIL reads here, arent you insulting her?

amother

Fri, Jun 17 2011, 12:42 pm

I have plenty of people I don't get along well with or don't care for very much that I manage to be cordial to and even share meals with from time to time. What's so hard about that? If you're a good friend, why are you looking to stir up trouble for her?

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