Passing on family names- important or no

amother

Mon, Jul 25 2011, 3:13 am

Ruchel wrote:

This is fascinating, now I'm dying to know who does it!!

I'm the above amother again. About the surnames thing, the only time it doesn't work is when there are only girls in a family. My kids won't be given my family name but that's OK because my brother's kids will. My brother and I haven't got names from my mother's side but my cousins (children of my mom's brother) have etc etc.

I'm from a very large extended family and in three generations there were only two families that had only girls.

Anyway, I do see to some extent why people want to name after relatives but it is not important to me at all. Fortunately my husband feels the same way!

gold21

Mon, Jul 25 2011, 3:29 pm

yes I think its important to name after grandparents, great-grandparents, etc

put it this way: after YOU pass, after 120, do YOU want your name carried on?

thats how I see it.

except if the grandparent had middos that you dont want your child to have- I do not believe in naming after people who did not have great middos

also, if the name is ugly- use it as a second name or use another name in the spirit of that name (like Golda and Zehava mean the same thing, Tzipporah and Faiga mean the same thing, etc)

Seraph

Mon, Jul 25 2011, 4:12 pm

gold21 wrote:

yes I think its important to name after grandparents, great-grandparents, etc

put it this way: after YOU pass, after 120, do YOU want your name carried on?

Honestly? I'd like to have the type of relationship with my kids and be the type of person that my kids and grandkids and great grandkids will want me named after out of love and sentimental reasons, and not out of obligation to "pass on the name".
If it were out of obligation, it would mean zilch to me. If it was out of love, then sure.

Shuly

Mon, Jul 25 2011, 4:24 pm

I think it's nice to name after relatives but I don't think it should be a "yehareig v'al ya'avor" not to.
A friend of mine comes from a large family and every single kid HAS TO name their first daughter Leah, after their grandmother. They do not have a choice or they will practically be disowned by their parents. Now IMHO anyone who chooses to name their daughter Leah is doing a nice thing, and if no one did Leah, it wouldn't be very nice of them, but once there is one Leah, there is no reason that everyone else also has to do Leah. And if the grandmother had a really bad name, I do not think anyone should feel obligated to choose it. As they say, it's more important to honor the living than to honor the dead...

ora_43

Mon, Jul 25 2011, 4:53 pm

I would give (make that have given) names I wouldn't have considered otherwise, just because of the family connection.

But as previous posters said, it all depends - which relative? how much did we like/know them? how strongly do other family members feel about this person's name being carried on? is anyone else named after them? etc...

There are unfortunately many many family names we could use, more than we'll have kids to use them on. In general we've only given a name when someone alive today wants to see it used, and have favored modern Hebrew names over Yiddish names of deceased great-aunts and uncles or half-aunts and uncles. But I still look at the list of names when we have a child to name, to see if something seems right.

eta - I think for me it comes down to, my child first, then dh's parents, then family for family's sake. First step, I'll only give a child a name if it won't make them stick out considerably in our community, and if the deceased person in question wasn't an awful person. Secondly, if dh's parents have a preference, that gets top consideration. Third, if any relatives' names passed step one, they get secondary consideration.

Last edited by ora_43 on Mon, Jul 25 2011, 5:03 pm; edited 1 time in total

obagys

Mon, Jul 25 2011, 4:58 pm

In the case of my mother - who is in only child - it was EXTREMELY important to her that us children name our kids after her mother & father. I don't care for her mother's name and really, REALLY don't like her father's name, but to purposely not name for her parents would be cruel in her case when it really means so, so much to her. And so I used both names - for my 1st DD and for my DS - and made her happy....and do not regret it.

gold21

Mon, Jul 25 2011, 10:03 pm

seraph, I dont think we are OBLIGATED to name after grandparents etc, but in my opinion its a nice thing to do, for the above-mentioned reasons.

yes it IS out of love, but if someone loses a grandparent when he is 6 or 7 years old, by the time he is 23 and naming his first child- will that grandparent be on his mind purely out of love? he will have long forgotten the wonderful things his grandfather did for him and the way his grandfather loved him.

thats life.

thats why sometimes we make decisions on an intellectual level, not everything should be done with our hearts and emotions.

that being said, I DONT think a person should name after a grandparent who had bad middos, who was a bad grandma and mom, etc.

we should look to name after grandparents/ great-grandparents/ great great grandparents/ etc., who had beautiful middos and who you are proud to name after.

to me, its important to name after a person who has a calm pleasant nature and a "shem tov" amongst those who remember him- and so far thats what I did. B"H...

gold21

Mon, Jul 25 2011, 10:08 pm

P.S. I dont have a problem with someone choosing a name of their own. I might do that at some point IY"H. its totally fine with me.

but I think some thought should be given to grandparents too. its not only about a beautiful name, but a beautiful neshama to emulate.

RachelEve14

Tue, Jul 26 2011, 2:26 am

hadasa wrote:

That may be true, but remember that simply making your parents happy is also a Mitzvah. I've given several names mostly for that reason. I didn't realize it so much when I was younger, but now that my parents are older and since they live thousands of miles away, there aren't that many ways in which I can still give them such Nachas and pleasure.
I'm not saying it's what everyone MUST do - just explaining my own reasonings.

I agree.

I think other factors being equal (it's a "normal" name, etc), it's good to use family names, especially if it will make your family happy. Every pregnancy we asked both sides if there were any names they felt we should consider. I know I asked my mother after the fact if she would have been upset if I didn't name dd Rivka (she was born about 8 months after my grandmother died), and my mother admitted that yes, she would have been hurt if I hadn't have used the name. She never mentioned it to me before though, because she feels it's up to the parent to name and not the grandparent to pressure. I know that by using the name Avraham Tzvi for my ds, we gave huge amounts of nachas to many relatives no my dad's because their beloved grandfather was finally named for.

amother

Tue, Jul 26 2011, 9:22 am

What we've done with all 3 kids is use names from grandparents or great-grandparents (BH when we got married 2 of my dh's grandparents were still alive and one he was named after), but we had in mind a tzaddik with the same name. So for example, we had a great-grandparent Chaim, but we named our son Chaim after R'Chaim mVolozhin. So you can find names you like, which coincide with grandparents' or other relatives' names and still name after a big tzaddik so you don't have to worry about bad middos or other concerns (for ex some of the relatives we have were not frum)

torahtots

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 2:41 pm

amother wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

Last names, as in surnames? what about your mother's side? your grandmother's?

In our community it is quite unusual for girls to be named after relatives, only boys and only after relatives in the male line.

It would make more sense IMO to name girls after relatives in the female line but my DH and I have decided not to do this. Here, girls take ther fathers surname and don't change it on marriage.

I'm trying to understand this.

My maternal grandfather had no sons. In your community that would mean that if I had a son I wouldn't name him after my grandfather because he was on my mother's side, and no one would ever be named for him? And my boys would only be named after men in my husband's family?

ewa-jo

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 2:50 pm

Very important. We believe that it's a zechus to our relatives to pass on their names.

I told DH that *ALL* our children will be named after my family and he's fine with it. He has siblings and cousins with piles of kids who have named after all their family.... my father is an only child and also a Shoah survivor, so we could have 20 kids (Be'ezrat Hashem!) and not run out of names.

CatLady

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 3:07 pm

Naming after relatives is a Huge. Trump-Sized. Deal. in my family. Even if we hate the English name, or it's a name already in use by another family member, we will use the Hebrew name, changing Yiddish names to Hebrew 'cause that's our preference. However, we use English names commonly, so little Chana Baila Perele will generally answer to Crystal Blue Persuasion Lastname.

And the great-uncle, twice removed? If he's anything like my favourite uncle, may he live to 120, who never married and has no children, any kid passing on that name would be honoured.

torahtots

Mon, Aug 08 2011, 3:48 pm

torahtots wrote:

amother wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

Last names, as in surnames? what about your mother's side? your grandmother's?

Oops. Did not see the second page of replies and that the Amother who wrote this already answered my question. Disregard. Sorry!