Need Help with 13 Year old Daughter - FS - Please read

amother

Wed, Aug 24 2011, 3:53 pm

I have a gorgeous, talented 13 year old daughter. She is my second with an older brother. She is B"H a very good girl and not at risk or anything like that. Her problem is that she can be incredibly chutzpadik to me (and sometimes her father). It seems like she is always in competition with her siblings and she is always busy protecting her territory and her own needs. She creates alot of friction in the family. People have advised me to sit down with her at a calm time and ask her if she feels we can improve our relationship or how she thinks we can. Well, I finally tried it today when everyone else was out. We were very relaxed and we played Rummikub and then I started to discuss it with her. I asked her if she thinks we can improve our relationship. Answer - I don't know. I asked if she would like to continue the way it's been. Answer - No. Question: Does she have any ideas how to improve it or would she like to tell me what she likes or dislikes about it. Answer: I don't know. In short, all I got from her were I don't knows. I finally mentioned that for 2 people to have a relationship they must communicate, otherwise it won't work. I said that maybe it's worthwhile to speak with someone who could help her communicate what's inside her. She says "No".

I am at a total loss here. I am tired of her chutzpadik ways and I really do think we need help to make things better. I am so worried that if I let things slide, that she will have a very hard time being married and she'll make herself and her future husband miserable.

Anyone who would see her from the outside would never guess that she has any issues. She looks so put together and socially savvy.

Any input from you wise mothers?

ElTam

Wed, Aug 24 2011, 4:07 pm

Do you have regular one on one time with her? I find that if I make special time for each child (hard to do), they don't feel the same need to fight for territory/time/space.

On the chutzpadik talk, what do you do when it happens? My kids are not at that age yet, but I find that it works to say, "I'm sorry, I don't respond when I'm spoken to that way." I just say it calmly and repeat as needed. If it continues, I send to the room until they are ready to speak appropriately.

I do think the unwillingness to talk is normal for a girl her age. Teens are figuring out their own place in the world and separating. Try talking to her in the car, while doing something side by side, etc. Try less direct questions. Keep the lines of communicaiton open even if she doesn't always use them.

In terms of worrying about marriage and seeking therapy, I think you are borrowing trouble. She's not dating. She willl grow and mature a lot before that happens. From what you've said, I don't hear anything so abnormal it would warrant therapy. I would try a parenting class or some books on talking to teens/communication with teens, etc. before I started into making what sounds like normal teen behavior into something pathological.

amother

Wed, Aug 24 2011, 4:15 pm

Eit, you sound wise. I'll tell you something. This "normal teenage" behavior has been going on since she's been little. I have quite a few other kids and noone, but noone talks with the chutzpah that she has always spoken with. I sense that she's sitting on alot of anger. Even as a baby she cried more than any of my other kids.

As far as how I respond to her - sometimes I let her push my buttons and I answer her in anger and sometimes I tell her that she simply may not talk to her mother in that tone or with those words.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 24 2011, 6:18 pm

When she says "I don't know", she really doesn't know.

You could try directing the conversation a little more. You see what she fights about. Mention a specific conflict, and ask her what she thinks would make things better. Maybe she needs help establishing boundaries with her brother, and needs you to back her up (he stays out of her room, doesn't touch her things, doesn't potch even in a playful way, etc.) She needs a sanctuary, where she can read quietly, can work on a hobby, or just be alone with her thoughts.

Acknowledge that being 13 can be really tough. She needs to hear that you understand how much she's struggling right now. Try to remember a story from when you were her age, and how hard it was for you. Kids love to hear that parents have gone through the same thing. When I say "When I was your age" my DD is all ears! It forms a very powerful connection between the generations, and shows that her feelings are universal - that she's not alone in the world. She'll be reassured to know that it's totally normal, and that "This too will pass".

She's definitely wanting more of your attention. I find that my DD really mellows out with the chutzpah if I let her make challah with me, or chop up the veggies for salad. Keep everyone else out of the kitchen so you can just hang out together. You don't need to talk about anything serious unless she brings it up first, just have fun.

If you get a few days in a row of her being pleasant, or a particularly nice Shabbos with her, IMMEDIATELY take her shopping and get her a little something. Even a pair of cheap earrings or a blouse that's on sale would do. Tell her how much you enjoy being with her when she's in a cooperative mood, and how much it makes you want to hang out with her even more.

If you take the time to lay the groundwork now, her teen years will be easier for both of you. Good luck! Smile

amother

Thu, Aug 25 2011, 3:13 am

Thank you FF.
I actually spend alot of time with my daughter. Alot. It's never enough. I give her my time. I play board games with her. I go out with her sometimes. Frankly, it's never enough and this is how it's been for her since she was a small child. She's never happy. Except right after I buy her something. She used to like making challah with me and now she's no longer interested. She doesn't usually feel like making salad - with or without me. She's not interested. She loves talking on the phone with her friends - which teenage girl doesn't? She loves spending money. She works hard in school, does babysitting and is generelly very responsible. She and I have always clashed though and she talks disrespectfully. By the way, I think that she just has a very hard time controlling her mouth. I know that she loves me. She is very, very negative and controlling with her sibs and when she's around there is alot of negativity. This is not a new thing from her teenage years. That's why I think that there is stuff going on inside that needs to be dealt with.
In any event, thank you all for listening and commenting.
And, regarding the book - I have it; I've read it and I practice what it preaches.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Aug 25 2011, 5:22 am

OP, it sounds like you're really doing everything you can. You're a good mom.

If this is her real, core personality, then answers won't come easily. It sounds like she needs to see a therapist to help her process some of her anger and neediness. Some kids are naturally anxious, defiant or obnoxious. She needs someone who'd emotionally neutral to help her get through the "terrible tweens".

Although I do believe in behavior modifying meds, I'm not the first one to run to the pharmacy. I would definitely give therapy a try FIRST, but after a while if you feel like it's not going anywhere, then you may need a child psychiatrist to prescribe something. She may need a low dose of antidepressant or anti anxiety medication to help her learn to regulate herself.

One thing that I've found helpful, is to realize that your child's greatest weakness is actually their greatest strength, but it needs the right channels. Your defiant child will never be taken advantage of, and she'll never have trouble speaking up for herself. Look at the behaviors that drive you crazy right now, and try to image how they could be assets later in life. Maybe she'll become a famous defense attorney!

If you catch her in a receptive mood, you could bring up her behaviors in a POSITIVE way, and brainstorm some activities that she could use to find some good outlets for her attitude. A speech and debate team would be excellent. If she feels like she always has to be right, then get her tennis lessons - she'll love the fast pace, and she'll REFUSE to lose the game! (If she's not the athletic type, then maybe a chess club would work better.) If she has no respect for authority, then a kung fu class would be just the ticket.

In my community we have a "Kosher Kung Fu" teacher who does classes at all levels of ability. First and foremost, he teaches respect and Torah values, and the martial arts moves are secondary to the character building. He and his wife have turned around dozens of kids with behavior issues, and saved many severely OTD kids who were on the verge of getting kicked out of their homes. He does it with love, humor, and an ocean of patience. As long as the kid shows up, he will NOT give up on that kid, no matter how bratty he or she acts in class. It's all part of the lesson.