Attractive children

amother

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 3:31 pm

What is the best way for a parent to handle the extra attention that a particularly attractive young teen recieves? Please don't take this question as an example of a mother crying over a "problem" that is not really a problem (I know there is a yiddish saying like this). I I am asking a very concrete and real question. Some blessings need to be "grown into", and I realize that at a marriageable age, attractiveness is certainly something to be grateful for, etc. But when there are many years before that time arrives, there are many years to worry about attention, and the messages and opportunities that an older child recieves from such attention.

An example: DD attends an all girls school, and male/female interaction is obviously limited. There is no "hanging out", or fraternization going on, etc. But we live in a mixed community ( I do not mean that in a bad way), ranging from yeshivish to more modern, there are boys at shul, brothers of friends, neighbors, etc. The genders are not as completely seperated, perhaps as they might be in a different type of community. I saw dd in a group of girls when the sons of a neighbor were present, recieving that extra attention. We subtley redirected the girls back into the house, but I could see that the girls were all giggling about it, ok, they are young teenage girls.... clearly they all got a kick out of it, and don't get me wrong, I am glad they are healthy and normal and all that! All of these were lovely attractive Jewish girls. And yet, some can "fly under the radar" so to speak, not attracting attention particularly, and b'ah will do just fine in the shidduch dept, come the appropriate time. But what about the girl who gets singled out during this type of occasional attention? How to protect her from the added opportunties, as well as from developing the wrong type of confidence/ or less modesty in this regard?

amother

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 8:11 pm

This is a tough one. My sister had the same problem. I don't think she ever learned to deal with unwanted male attention and I am not sure her good looks have done her any service in life. I am NOT trying to spook you, of course - just sympathizing. I am a baalas tshuva and my sister never became frum, so her looks have presented a different set of challenges for her in some ways than what your DD faces. But I agree with you that it is an issue that needs careful handling.

I agree that the importance of tznius needs to be impressed upon her. She needs to know (as I'm sure you and her teachers have taught her) that tznius is more than just about skirt length but that it is also a way of carrying herself and conducting herself with respect to her peers. A bas Melech needs to walk modestly (to paraphrase poorly) and that means when boys may give her attention, she needs to walk modestly...in the other direction, without being rude, of course. It will be incumbent upon her never to give anyone the wrong idea because unfortunately other girls are going to be the ones to give her issues. The appearance of impropriety is all it takes to set teenage girls gossiping and she could face being ostracized for next to no reason just because some girls may be jealous.

On the other hand, you need to convey all this without making her feel like she is being singled out for this advice. She doesn't need to be ashamed of being pretty. She just needs to be aware that it is a gift from Hashem that requires special handling, that's all.

I hope this was in some way helpful. I just know how hard it's been for my sister and her extremely naive, trusting personality didn't make it any easier. So my advice, such as it is, is partly based on having seen the issues she had in high school. IY"H your daughter's friends are not the gossipy type.

mummiedearest

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 8:25 pm

I don't think anything is really teachable here. you can discuss acting tznius, but no kid that age really understands what flirting is. she won't get why she shouldn't giggle, etc. you can tell her not to talk to the boys, but I doubt that'll make a difference. this is how most girls act around boys. just keep talking to her about appropriate behavior. I was mortified in hs when some girls batted their eyelashes at the male teachers (who did NOT appreciate it). I was triple mortified when I went to touro college and found that almost all the yeshivish girls used that cutesy tone of voice in conversations with their male professors. these were well brought up girls who dressed with utter tznius. they seriously had no clue that they were flirting, and they were. it's funny, my hs principal told us in twelfth grade that we should flirt a little bit on dates, that that was the appropriate situation for it. most of the girls giggled and turned red. one girl piped up,"but we don't know how to!" the principal's reply: "yes you do. you do it every day, you just don't do it intentionally. I am telling you to do it intentionally." the trick is to know when it's appropriate, and how much is appropriate.

amother

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 9:01 pm

Thank you so much for the responses. I am learning on the job, so to speak, as this is my eldest, and these realities are just beginning to dawn on me. Amother, thanx for sharing your sister's experience. All of your advice was valuable. Mummidearest, I relate to what you are saying as well. I see that flirtatious behavior very starkly in these young girls, again, normal, healthy, and yet, very very challenging to channel and direct. There was an incident in which my daughter was at a school friend's house with a few others, where apparently the supervision was extremely lacking, and the girl's male cousin and friend were present. When dd came home she told me they were all hanging out without the parents present. To be honest, she was in no way upset, more accurately, impressed and intrigued by this freedom. I was very surprised at the complete lack of supervision and called the mother, honestly not to confront but just to understand what the actual situation had been. The mother's response was that the other girls had no issue with this but my daughter was the most flirtatious and I should keep an eye on her.

Aside from the fact that this obnoxious and completely irrelevant response completely excused her lack of supervision, the fact is that I have seen enough examples of it to know that in all likelihood, my dd was acting the same as all the others, but was the center of the boys attention, and thus looked the guiltiest. But, I am starting to realize that this is a self-fulfilling prophesy! The more "positive feedback" this "harmless/normal" teenage behavior recieves, the more it is reinforced!

mummiedearest

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 9:21 pm

amother wrote:

I advise you go over the halachos of yichud and negiah with her. keep discussing it openly. she will probably grow out of a lot of the flirtatious behaviors.

amother

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 9:34 pm

I really wonder if prettiness is such an issue here.
I was a pretty girl and never got into trouble, my friend who wasn't exceptionally pretty did.

If statistics would show that pretty girls get into trouble more than the not so pretty ones I would be more concerned but I don't think statistics show that.

As long as your daughter is behaving normally and you are instilling tznius and associated morals in her then I would just a keep a close watch but not worry excessively.

amother

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 9:49 pm

Amother, I agree, there are many factors. But recieving the attention is something extra to address/contend with. Particularly in this day and age where these young girls are so savy with regards to fashion, appearance, etc. At a certain age, I grew into my looks, and at a certain age I understood their effects. This was a much later age than I see it happening with my dd and her classmates. Until that time, myself & my friends were silly, gawky, clueless.... and as a result, fairly safe. I worry about this combination of early awareness and ability to attract attention.

amother

Mon, Oct 17 2011, 11:55 am

I may be able to provide some advice on this one..I am now a 23 year old married woman with 2 babies but not too long ago I was in a position very similar to the one your daughter is in....by what I believe is God's love and some "luck" I did not end up in serious trouble as some attractive girls I know have but what would have really helped a pretty, somewhat naive girl like me was a talk from my mother which did not come because even talking about boys in ym family was not appropriate. it would have helped me to have been told that being excited by male attention is normal and that being pretty is a special gift that must be used properly. that one day I would meet and marry a man who would really love me and appreciate my looks and feel lucky to be so attracted to his wife. at the same time, in the years before marriage, while feeling giddy over receiving male attention is normal, getting involved with boys can be and often is heartbreaking and even dangerous. while boys may like your looks, they arent looking out for your best interests and dont love you like abba and ima and a husband do. love relationships between men and women are difficult to navigate for young teenagers and therefore, often result in heartbreak. now is the time to find YOURSELF and discover who you are and who you want to be...to develop lasting relationships with other girls and have fun and enjoy yourself. this is the greatest gift you can give yourself- self-discovery!!! and if you ever find yourself questioning what I am telling you, or you need advice about boys, friends or anything else please come to me!!

basically, as her mother the best thing you can do is be there for her. be there when you are proud, when you feel dissapointed, when she is happy or heartbroken....be there with understanding and guidance, not accusations and judgment- so many teenage girls dont have this and need desperately to know their parents are there for them NO MATTER WHAT...not just when they are doing what their parents want. and you would be surprised how having confidence in your parents' love can actually be the best encouragement for teenage girls not to look for that love in teenage boys...they have it already!!

good luck!