Giving info without being asked

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 9:28 pm

My cousin "Sorah" is getting married next week for the first time. She is 41 and wants children and is well aware that it won't be easy at her age. Another cousin of ours, "Rivkah", went through IF for a while and now has 3 beautiful children and she is always praising the amazing doctor who helped make it happen. Rivkah wants to give Sorah this doctor's information so that she knows where to go if there are problems or to possibly go from the start so she doesn't waste any time, as time is of the essence. I feel like this may be rude, kind of like saying "you're old and probably going to have IF, you're going to need this if you want a kid"; on the other hand, this is valuable information that could be very helpful to Sorah, and she may not feel comfortable asking for it. Also, giving it to her now could save her precious time. Rivkah is sure it's the right thing to do, and while I agree in theory, I worry that Sorah may get offended. Is it the right thing to do? And if it is, what would be the most sensitive way to go about it?

Fuchsia

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 9:34 pm

Does Sorah know that Rivkah went through infertility? If she needs info about doctors, she'll ask her. I think it's highly inappropriate and very rude to "offer" any information regarding infertility before someone is even married.

amother

Wed, Feb 15 2012, 9:40 pm

Yes, she knows. I even asked Rivkah, won't she know you're the one to call about that sort of thing? Rivkah said yes, but what if she waits 6 months or a year to call? I think Sorah knows not to wait that long to see someone, but Rivkah isn't so sure.

amother

Thu, Feb 16 2012, 6:10 pm

I don't think there is any way you can give Sorah the info.

It is good tha she knows Rivkah went through treatments because as Fuchsia said, she'll know that she is the one to ask if she feels the need to.

Rivkah should not worry that Sorah will wait too long. It is not a secret that it is more difficult to get pregnant at the age of 41 and it is unlikely that Sorah hasn't already thought of that. Maybe she wants to wait a few months and see if things happen naturally before persuing treatment. Maybe she already knows she has a problem and has lined up a doctor to see right after the wedding. Either way, it is never appropriate for another person to get involved in such a sensitive issue, no matter how well meaning they are, and especially in this situation where Sorah knows someone she can talk to if she wants to.

seeker

Thu, Feb 16 2012, 6:26 pm

I am going to differ here and say I do NOT think it's rude if the offer is made nicely and diplomatically. It saves anyone from having to be even more awkward later if there is an issue. Asking is pretty hard. Rivka can give Sorah the doc's business card so Sorah can choose to forget it and stuff it in the bottom of her purse, and neither of them ever has to say anything on the touchy subject again. Rivka can simply say "I hope you won't be needing this, but since it was so helpful to me I wanted to offer you the contact info for Dr X who helped me conceive my children." Hand over the card, and all Sorah needs to say is "Thanks" and then she has the info and nobody needs to do any more mixing in each other's business.

At any point farther in the future this would be meddlesome but at this point it's pretty parve.

tsiggelle

Thu, Feb 16 2012, 7:01 pm

my first reaction was 'let them live' 'let them start to build their marriage' before you throw them on the doctor's path. but I dont know of these things

amother

Thu, Feb 16 2012, 7:59 pm

My reaction is, to let Sorah be. If and when she wants the info she can seek it. Do you think you are telling her anything she is not aware of? There are many amazing Drs out there for this kind of thing. Maybe Sorah wants to build her marriage first. Let her wait if she wants. Neither of you are the expert. Do you realize she is probably being bombarded by everyone who knows someone who used afn amazing Dr.?

I got married at 39. I has my first child at 41. I used to joke that my biological clock hass a nuclear explosion.

She does not need well meaning advice just well wishes.

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