5 year old little monster

amother

Tue, May 29 2012, 9:36 pm

My little boy used to be so sweet. The last year or so, he has found an angry side. He is basically a nice boy when he is not frustrated but any little frustration or set back and he just completely loses it. He will cry and scream at the top of his lungs. If he is in trouble, he will direct all his venom at his parent using all kinds of inflammatory language a 5 yr old could possibly think up. Things like "I hate you' "I'm going to kill you" "I'm going to cut your head off" "I'm going to stab you in the heart". Today he called his sister a swear word.

He often now will threaten to run away and if I don't stop him, he will walk out the door and start walking down the street.

If I put him in time out, he basically destroys anything within reach. he is out of control. I rarely spank.

Taking away privileges does nothing. How am I supposed to parent this child? For example, I told him tonight he needs to take a bath, he said "why should I?"

He called another adult stupid the other day. I was mortified.

I have never seen a child like this. It is like he has no filter in his brain to prevent him from doing any of this unacceptable behavior. He'll have a break down at home, in front of a guest, at a friend's house, shopping. It doesn't matter. I don't think he has had such a breakdown at school though which I am thankful for. It makes me think that there is some self control but it could be he has not had such a scenario push his buttons yet.

Suggestions and books would be appreciated.

the world's best mom

Tue, May 29 2012, 10:08 pm

That sounds very tough.

These are some random thoughts that came to mind while reading your post:

-If you think of your child as a monster, your son probably senses that. It's important to see the good in him and praise him for everything good he does.

-When your child deserves a hug the least, that's when he needs it the most. It sounds to me like he needs a tremendous amount of love right now. He still needs consequences, but those should be given calmly, and not out of anger.

-Where did he learn swear words and bad language from? Do you have a TV? You should definitely be monitoring what he watches if that's where the lanuage came from. (Cartoons are often not okay, BTW.)

amother

Tue, May 29 2012, 11:33 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

I don't think I think of him as a monster. I labeled the post though so it would get noticed. I will say, that I'm dreading more and more his next upsets.

I do praise him a lot on all the good stuff he does.

I also hug him a lot too. It's easy to do when he is not in one of his rages. In one of his rages, he is not even approachable or consolable.

I'm pretty sure he learned the swear words from little boys at school. There are a handful in his class that get together and play. They also get into a lot of mischief together to.

To me, his behavior is over the top and I am at a loss of what to do. I have three other children and they have not behaved this way. I'm considering a child therapist but I'm hesitant. There are so many contradictory theories. I also hesitate because I don't want him to get a label. I don't want to think of him as the "label". I just want him to be a kid. But I'm worried there is something amiss.

bamamama

Wed, May 30 2012, 1:42 am

MY DS 5.5 has also started tantrumming - calling me brat and trying to hit/pinch me wheneve he hears the word "no".

I'd cut the time outs for sure. Try having him sit close to you or in a chair in the same room with you. He'll prob still lash out but you'll be there to contain it.

I have a suspicion that this is part of normal development which manifests more strongly in some kids than others. I haven't figured out how to solve it yet but I do see the tantrums being less severe lately. I don't think your child has a disorder simply based on this.

chani8

Wed, May 30 2012, 3:20 am

There are so many ways to address this, that I would just first ask,

Were there any new or major stressors in his life, back when his temperment seemed to change?

Does he have trouble expressing himself? Can he tell over a whole review about a story, for instance. Can he tell you a story? How is his reading coming along?

If there is no underlying emotional reason (like a stress) or language issue (expressive language) then it would seem that a cognitive behavioral approach might help. That would mean teaching him to control his self-defeating thoughts that cause him to spiral out of control, which will help him to control his own behavior. In other words, give him tools and skills of self-control. This is a preventative and problem solving way of handling it. But meanwhile, explain that when he does lose control, you will have to take control of him (stop him), until he learns to control himself (no hurting, hitting, damaging property).

Wed, May 30 2012, 4:49 am

I don't really have experience with 5 year olds, but as I was reading it, I said to myself - he must be learning this behavior in school! And I see I was right. So maybe I'm also right in thinking that he is possibly being bullied in school, which is exposing him to so much of this behavior, and may be a cause for all his anger.

I think I would talk to the teacher and ask him how your son behaves in class... interacts with the children... because lately he's been acting very angry at home and you were wondering if something is happening in school to prompt it.

sped

Wed, May 30 2012, 5:51 am

My friend is going through this with a 5 year old too. It took a bit of time, but she realized that he is VERY frustrated in school. He is not keeping up academically, not picking up letters and sounds, and has a hard time with language. She took him for an evaluation and found that while in most areas he is scored average to above average, in language he scoreed far below.In addition, they found a sensory regualtion disorder. They are dealing with it by setting up a behavior modification system - points, stars and prizes and by getting him INTENSIVE help next year, while working with this years teachers to help him feel more success in school.

amother

Mon, Jun 04 2012, 9:27 pm

OP here,

We had one of his classmate friends over this shabbos. Well, his friend got upset because he was accidentally banged in the head when my son let go of his swing to get off. The flurry of statements and "I hate you's" coming out of his friends mouth was so reminiscent! Wow.

DS does have problems with expression. He was slow to speak, had speech therapy. He seems much more immature than his siblings at his age. He is very inflexible with foods. Will freak out if something unapproved gets on his plate. Only eats 1 type of meat, and basically 3 other foods. He is wearing out his socks because he refuses to wear new ones. He has to have his shoes a certain tightness. He will not wear shorts even if it's a 100 degrees out. He is not interested at all in writing like my other kids were. Pediatricians have always said their is nothing to be concerned about but I think they are wrong.

precious

Mon, Jun 04 2012, 9:41 pm

did you have him evaluated for OT?

I agree that you should speak to teachers and find out how he's doing academically and socially in school.

When he's calm, maybe you can have a discussion about appropriate and innapropriate words, etc. Give him the proper language to use when he's frustrated, and practice by role-playing when he is calm.
Maybe you can use positive reinforcement - if you speak nicely during xyz, you'll get x.

My son often says crazy made up words or bad words: WHEN HE DOEN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
he's not trying to be mean, but if he doesn't know the words to a song or the answer to a question, he'll say ridiculous and bad words.
When he calls someone a not nice name, and I reprimand him, he'll rephrase that the person is "yummy" - its the go-to nice word!!

If you want, you could do pepper or soap to wash out the mouth, but lots of people don't like that!

A great book is 123 Magic - excellent!