soul clutching, finger clenching, couch jumping anxiety.

amother

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 7:02 am

I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately... something I wrote to express how I feel.

There is a little girl inside me. Little me says there is a monster chasing her. I looked everywhere but I can't find him. I cleaned under the beds, I jumped on the couches, I screamed from the rooftops but the scary monster wouldn't come out from where it was hiding.

Maybe little me is responding to my anxiety. Maybe there is no monster.

But I'm sure he is just hiding somewhere. Right around the next corner. It's the reason my body is in a constant fight and flight mode. It explains why I keep jumping at the smallest things. Now I understand why my mind is competing on that racetrack. I know for sure that is a contest it will never win. But Little me wants it to keep going round and round to chase that invisible monster.

I'm sick of this war. I want to cry. The need to feel tears running down my face in overwhelming. But my eyes remain as dry as as the desert burning on a scorching hot day.

Right now little me is curled under a blanket in the fetal position sucking her thumb. But she will be up in a minute or two. She can't sit still. She tapped every nerve in my body to play with her. She wants to be a child. Run in the fields, bounce of the bed, throw her toys on the floor. I know. Little me is confused, really all over the place. Too young to make up her mind.

I wish there was some big monstrous supernatural being. If it didn't just live in my imagination I could confront him. Being to being. I could fight him. Maybe I would even win. And little me would be comforted. Little me could finally fall asleep.