she made my daughter cry again

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

She made my daughter cry again

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amother

Sun, Nov 26 2006, 11:04 pm

the neighbor girl has been systematically destroying my dd confidence

when we moved here 6 years ago, they became friends (dd is a year and half younger) there were nice times and other times like she would tell dd, 'you look ugly when you smile' or 'you need to go to {name of special ed program in our city}

once, at my home, she was with another class friend and they were having the girl-triangle issue so I flat out told her to stop excluding my dd in her own house. the girl didn't speak to dd for several months

Before Rosh hashana dd wrote asking for mechila (cause she's that way)
after they became friends again, girl told me it wasn't dd she was mad at it was me

so now, I (and others) know she's mean, manipulative, chutzpadik. there's another neighbor, same grade as dd. the 3 have been friends since she moved in (4 yearsago).

so another incident at shul -girl berated dd for something that dd wasnt a part of (we had just gotten there) and I angrily told girl she was wrong

then I go to her house to apologize for doing that in front of her friend, but she begins the silent treatment for (me and) my dd. this was last summer

since then girl has made every effort to monopolize other neighbor girl (who is shy and once admitted she is afraid to make her mad because she knows what girl can do) and exclude dh every Shabbos

I try to explain to dd that its not her fault, she did nothing wrong, I cross many lines of lashon hora to try to get her to see girl is not worth her time (she did ask mechila before Yom Kippur this year too, just in case)

it just kills me to see her cry about it, yes she has school friends but these are neighborhood/shabbos playmates

I talked to other neighbor's mother, my friend, she is at a loss-she cant justify forbidding her daughter to see girl (when she has so few school friends)
I talked to mean girl's mother, also my friend, and she admits there is a problem but feels she cant do anything

everytime dd sees them together (e.g. tonight at a community concert) she gets upset what can I do?

faigie

Mon, Nov 27 2006, 9:29 am

I dont know if youre going to like my advice,,,,,,,,,
IMHo the chevra of a class is extremely important. and if my kids chevra isnt good in a particular school, id pull her. let her have a fresh start somewhere else. this doesnt mean the school in general is bad, just her class isnt the greatest, or even just the kids in her area from the class are a problem.

Esther01

Mon, Nov 27 2006, 9:37 am

it seems to me that this girl in not only manipulating your dd and other girls her age but all the adults of the neighborhood too. I would say that gilr's mother needs to go for some counsiling on how to deal with this behavier.
can you tell her that ?
sorry I don't have advice for your dd... this situation really sounds so sad...
hatzlacha.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2006, 9:51 am

Esther01 os right. Although I too have been in a sitch where the mothers can't be spoken to or has no control over the child. I told my ds gam zu l'tova these are nasty boys. Two of the group were in his school, not his grade & they were constantly in th princp office. WE as his parents had to make a concerted effort.#1- there really may be other kids in the neighborhood, look around. We had to reestablish older friendships with boys not in the imediate back yard but a block or 2 away. #2 We also had to be willing to walk him places on shabbos. Yes it interfered with shabboss nap.But my kid is worth it.#3 we told the nasty kids to stay away. We have some backyard equiptment taht we told "nasty boys " that can't use however their sibs can. The Mom who "stays out" of these things justb shrugged b/c at least shes consistent & stays out. The momwho has no control told her son "to bad, thats how you treat him You can't expect him to share his things while you are being nasty to him"

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2006, 12:08 pm

op here

faigie wrote:

I dont know if youre going to like my advice,,,,,,,,,

I love that you gave advice at all-I agree that social success is paramount to life success (esp. in girls) I would pull her out in a minute (switched a daughter's school for academic reason already) but this is not a school situation, its at home-and in her face

that's the thing, I tell her to be strong, we don't know the whole picture, she's not the problem, and we avoid her as much as possible etc but this girl is in her face about it.

esther you're right about needing counseling, I overheard girl talking to father (a rosh* in the community) and couldn't believe the chutzpa and what was tolerated

I know the problem is not my daughter, she has friends, is smart, etc. its just that she's a victim of severe and cruel bullying and it hurts no matter how strong you are

yoyosma

Mon, Nov 27 2006, 12:51 pm

You didnt mention this information, but how old are these kids?

happymom

Mon, Nov 27 2006, 2:01 pm

why do u allow ure daughter to play with her? I think its good lesson for you to teach your dd that ppl who make her sad and upset are NOT friends and she can choose to have NOTHING to do with them.

faigie

Mon, Nov 27 2006, 3:24 pm

I have another idea.......
can her good friends from school sleep over for shabbos, or can you dd do the same? this way she wont be at the mercy of only having this sick kid to play with.....
is there a bnos group in your area? this way shed have a new set of friends for shabbos.

faigie

Mon, Nov 27 2006, 3:33 pm

...........more advice that youre not gonna be crazy about..........but you need to hear.....sorry.
whena kid is being bullied, they need to learn to stand up for themselves.
ouch ouch ouch.
its helpful if you rehearse combacks with you dd. but you cant come to her rescue ( I know, ouch).
when one of my dd was small she was actually getting punched around in school. my kid was like 3 or so. I actually got on my knees and taught her how to fight back. I dont remember the sitch exactly, but as I recall all it took was ONE altercation with my kid fighting back to put an end to the bullying altogether.
rehearse with her, it will give her the confidence she needs........ and just think of the personal growth shell have once she is able to deal with that bully! it will help her believe in herself.
sometimes awful situations have great growth potential.

mumoo

Mon, Nov 27 2006, 9:40 pm

my mother says, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger-we all have to learn that we can't change others, only ourselves

Last edited by mumoo on Mon, Nov 27 2006, 11:03 pm; edited 1 time in total

healthymama

Mon, Nov 27 2006, 10:40 pm

1. It is so important to do everything possible to make sure your daughter has OTHER friends. Afterschool activities, clubs, groups, sports activities- anything and everything that will boost her confidence and give her opportunities to be with other kids with whom she may get along.

2. About bullying and comebacks, see this : http://www.bullies2buddies.com/

3. About teenage girls and their form of emotional bullying, see this : http://www.opheliaproject.org/.....n.htm

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2006, 11:01 pm

Quote:

About teenage girls and their form of emotional bullying, see this : http://www.opheliaproject.org/.....n.htm

relational aggression-never knew it had a name-totally fits except this girl is very subtle, nothing blatant

I think we have the self esteem thing, family/friends love you thing... I just want her childhood to be 'perfect'-
thanks, healthymama

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2006, 11:04 pm

yoyosma wrote:

You didnt mention this information, but how old are these kids?

12.5 and almost 14

faigie, sleepovers are good, we try to have one every Shabbos here or there

happymom, I don't let or not let-dd avoids her totally-girl she just like to get in her face, like parade in front of our house arm in arm with other neighbor girl

thanks for all your great ideas, I just think no matter what we do or don't do, it's her nisayon- I try to cheer her on, we just don't have control over other people

carrot

Tue, Nov 28 2006, 5:14 am

How would your daughter take to the idea that she is gaining from this because in the future she will always be able understand and be sensitive to the feelings of people who are left out or bullied. She can use this painful experience to become a special person.

Give her a "why" to deal with her "how."

amother

Tue, Nov 28 2006, 5:41 am

100%-
I hope dd can get it, even if she can't embrace this idea totally now

I've said things like that. Really, my dd is pretty amazing to withstand what she has. we played this whole thing out knowing we can only change ourselves-actions, perspectives. I just hoped there was something we could do to stop it, make it go away.

like I said before, no matter how strong you are, how well you accept-if you're 12 it hurts

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