Advice needed | Imamother

amother

Thu, Jan 03 2013, 10:07 pm

My 10 year old DS is a wonderful boy, good middos, a great student just an all around fantastic kid at home and at school.

I got a call from his Rebbe tonight as he is concerned, when my son makes a mistake (answers a question incorrectly etc) he says my son is on the verge of tears. At home if someone kibutz him and he is insulted by it he gets very upset and runs crying to his room. This does not happen often maybe once a month.

I want advice how to deal with this sensitively with my son.

I did not speak to DH yet. A fault of DH is that he expects perfection from the kids (he would deny this of course). I can just see DH say stop acting like a baby and I don't think this will help. I will be telling DH the conversation I had with the Rebbe and I want to have a game plan how to handle it and have DH on board. He does listen to me so I can work with him.

Just to clarify my son is an excellent student and gets straight alefs so this is not happening daily as he usually knows his work.

I want my son to know it is OK to get something wrong and you don't need to be embarrassed about it. That is my goal!

Thanks

bamamama

Thu, Jan 03 2013, 10:38 pm

I was just like this as a kid. Many times I wished I could stop my tears from coming. They came when I was embarrassed, angry, ashamed. I don't know what would've helped. Part of it was that I also always got straight A's and had perfectionist tendencies in that regard. My parents would never accept B's without chiding but I also put a ton of pressure on myself. It might be a good idea for your son to see a therapistto help him develop a thicker skin. Being sensitive is a wonderful trait, but so is being the master of one's emotions.

bamamama

Thu, Jan 03 2013, 11:27 pm

In me, this trait stayed until I was in my 30s. It gradually made me avoid more and more situations where I would be involved in conflict. The perfectionist tendencies around school performance transferred over to job-performance and I would focus on stupid little things ad nauseum until they were perfect but the bigger picture was lost on me. I really wish someone would've helped me learn earlier to be assertive. Tell me when it's ok to show emotion and when it's better to take a deep breath and soldier on and what to do with those feelings. Tell me I'm not weak and I'm not a victim of anyone.

You will only be doing him a favour by helping him channel his emotions. If you and your DH can't do it, he needs a therapist. Telling him to "man up" isn't going to teach him how to channel the emotions, it will teach him how to stuff them. Big difference. He's 10. You're the parent. If therapy is needed, surely you can convince him to go.

Merrymom

Fri, Jan 04 2013, 12:15 am

He's 10 years old, he doesn't have to be willing to see a therapist, you just bring him. That's just a side point, I'm not sure if that would make a difference or not. I have a couple of kids that are super sensitive so I understand it. I think just showing that it's okay to make mistakes, and don't overeact when you see a bad grade would probably help in itself. This is a thought process that's not going to change overnight however, it takes time.

amother

Fri, Jan 04 2013, 12:30 am

my son sounds very similar.

He started crying tonight because he couldnt find a paper, and I told my dh that he is hard enough on himself, you dont have to "rub in" the fact that he is irresponsible at time (like a 9/10 year old should be).

my son's rebbee is actually a behavior therapist and I think is known not only in our town. Most of the kids he works with are behavior issues, however ,this is a different type of behavior issue.

I've tried teaching my son to write down his feelings, so when he feels them inside he writes on a paper or in a journal to let out his thoughts before they can turn into tears.

I've also found it helpful to show the positive at the same time as pointing out the negative. For example, tonight's issue was irresponsibility. So we (he wasnt able to identify even 1 way, I had to point out his positive actions) listed 3 ways he WAS responsible today, and 3 ways he WASNT. Then I did explain to him that it was easier to list the "bad" verses the "good" but the more he works at it the easier it will get because he'll become more responsible.

I am similar to him. I am hard hard hard on myself, and I hate when people make me feel worse because it only affirms my feelings. So be careful to not ignore the "bad" things (it's not bad to get a wrong answer) but give him tools to fix the problem so he doesnt feel hopeless.

anon for this

Fri, Jan 04 2013, 1:43 am

One of my dc also tends to be a perfectionist, but he's improved a lot. One thing that I found helpful was to model and narrate appropriate reactions when I'm around him. For example, if I missed a turn while driving, I'd say, "Oops, I made a mistake, but I'll just drive until I can find a safe place to turn around." Or if I couldn't find an important document, I'd say aloud, "I really need that paper for an appointment, what can I do? Maybe I can get a copy from another source, or just bring the paperwork I have and hope for the best. I'll be extra careful to file the papers next time so I'll have them when I need them." I think this helped him realize that even adults make mistakes, and they don't have to be a big deal.

Because he's more sensitive than my other children, I tend to under-react a bit when he makes mistakes at home. For example, he was running in the living room, and when I walked down the hall and turned to enter the room, he ran into me (I wasn't hurt, just startled). If it were another child, I might've said something like, "You know that you're not supposed to run in there, please be more careful in the future". But I know that this dc already felt badly about his mistake, so I just made a joke that I'd wait for a left turn signal next time before entering the room. He laughed and apologized immediately, as I knew he would, but the humor helped defuse the situation so that he didn't feel badly about himself.

granolamom

Fri, Jan 04 2013, 11:46 am

therapy is nice, if you think he'll go willingly and if you can afford it and if you believe in it. I am really not supportive of the idea of bringing him against his will.

I have kids like this, I was a kid like this.

its hard. what's been working (slowly) here is to point out my own mistakes when they happen and comment on how I've learned from them. when ds makes a mistake, his (wonderful!) rebbe will say 'AH! a learning experience! fantastic!" and then use the mistake to show the correct answer. on tests, his teachers no longer circle errors, they only check correct answers and his papers do not get a typical grade (the teachers keep track of his grade but his paper will state the number of correct answers).
another technique, if you have a very secure sibling around, is to bring this up at dinner, when everyone is around. have you made any mistakes you've learned from? been embarrassed by? and tell of your own experiences too. being wrong wont kill anyone but the shame feels like death. noticing that others make mistakes, and that *I* make mistakes and have lived to tell, helps. this may need to be pointed out for him many many times before he begins to internalize it. and it must be done in a gentle supportive loving manner.
one thing to be careful of with straight A students, when you praise their academic achievements they sometimes get the sense that their worth is determined by their school performance and that makes a mistake on a test a really tragic thing. I try not to praise the grade, but the effort put in. the studying or if he doesnt have to study much, the responsibility for going to bed on time so he is refreshed or whatever.

its a challenge, that's for sure. wishing you lots of siyata dishmaya and success

ElTam

Fri, Jan 04 2013, 12:13 pm

Quote:

A fault of DH is that he expects perfection from the kids (he would deny this of course).

Your DH needs the therapy more than your son. Your son's fear of failure is directly tied to knowing his father will be disappointing in him if he isn't perfect.

Your son needs to understand that he is still loveable and still good enough if he makes a mistake or doesn't get an aleph. And your husband needs to understand that he is setting your son (and other kids) up for serious long-term issues with the need for perfection.

I would suspect that deep down, your DH has his own concerns about his worth and his worthiness. And he projects that onto the kids, because if they are perfect, then people will look at him and say, "Wow, must be a great Abba if he raised kids who get straight alephs."

Problems is, straight alephs don't guarantee you will be a happy person, or that you will be able to form good adult relationships, or that you will succeed in learning or work.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jan 04 2013, 1:04 pm

I agree with all the above!

I tell DD that a test is a way to help the teacher. Tests are merely a measure of progress, not a moral judgment on how good or bad you are, or even a measure of how smart or dumb you are. If she already knew all the answers, she's be bored to pieces! This way, a wrong answer lets the teacher know where she should be focusing next.

I also model behavior in the home. I readily admit mistakes, look for solutions, and show how to handle feelings of disappointment when things don't turn out (burned dinner! Let's get pizza!) I also apologize to her when I have been wrong about something or used a sharp tone with her when she didn't deserve it. I tell her I'm proud of her when she does something good, but never over praise (which she hates). If she comes up with a better idea for something I'll say "Wow, you're right! How did you get so smart?"

All these little building blocks add up to healthy self esteem and confidence. Daily criticism will tear those blocks down.

I am not saying to let bad things slide. If DD brings home a paper where I know she knows the answers, but she just gave up and got a bad grade I'll tell her "I'm disappointed in this paper. I know you know the answers to this. You are not a dumb kid, you are very smart. Let's hope you can show me how smart you are with the next paper." Note, I said I'm disappointed in the PAPER, not in HER. It's subtle, but it's crucial at the same time.

My mom always said, old age doesn't give you gray hair, parenting does!

Hug