Is this considered affording?

amother

Tue, Feb 26 2013, 10:20 am

We have been married a few years before having our 2 kids, a mix of choice and infertility. Over that time we both worked very hard to put away savings and BH we have enough for a down payment on a house.
The problem is that month to month we are barely covering now. About 1/3 of DH's pay goes to insurance and the rest we are very careful with but most months we cannot put anything away. I have 2 little babies at home and after paying childcare and transportation, I would not be able to bring home any money, so for now we are relying on DH's salary.
My son needs to go to playgroup, I can push it off until the beginning of next year but that's all. That's about $120 a week right there. We have no cleaning help or extras because we can't afford it. Obviously we need to start bringing in more money but until that happens do we afford these things by dipping into savings? Or does affording something mean from your monthly paycheck? Will we be expected to dip into our savings if we cant cover tuition?
This all just makes me cry. Everyone around here, leading the same lifestyles and brought up the same way, all send their kids to playgroups, having cleaning and babysitting help and enjoy these little luxuries. We worked so so hard and we are left with money in a bank and breaking even month to month.
I know how they do it. I'm going to get shot down for this but I know they don't pay for playgroup because they get headstart. They don't pay for insurance they get medicaid. You can tell me how you don't and many people don't but these people do and I feel as though we are just suffering for doing the right thing. Oh and then everyone thinks we're rich because DH has a job, well all our money is spoken for.

I just feel so sad. DH's reaction to everything is, we can't afford it. I saw the numbers and we can't. So how should I make pesach? Clean for pesach? Do everything? how do I manage when I speak to everyone about tips for managing and they just suggest getting household help. I really hate this.

Tamiri

Tue, Feb 26 2013, 10:29 am

IMO, affording is being able to take it out of your salary. However... you did save. Are you willing to sacrifice house money for your child to go to playgroup? So that you can make a nice Pesach? If you are willing to make that sacrifice, then you CAN afford those things. However, where do you draw the line in the sand? At what point do you stop dipping into the savings? That's what you must think about. Good luck, this sounds painful.
Oh, and don't look at everyone else. You aren't doing what's "right", you are just living properly. How the others handle things can be annoying but it's better to mind your own business and focus on yourself.

zaq

Tue, Feb 26 2013, 10:38 am

Tamiri wrote:

.
Oh, and don't look at everyone else. You aren't doing what's "right", you are just living properly. How the others handle things can be annoying but it's better to mind your own business and focus on yourself.

Not to mention that people always assume that everyone else is able to "afford" what they have when it's quite possible that they are up to their eyeballs in debt. With apologies to King Solomon, better a supper of herbs that are paid for than a fatted beef on credit.

SivanMom

Tue, Feb 26 2013, 10:39 am

I agree with the others. Don't look at other people. By having a job, your husband has prospects for a salary increase, bonus, etc. Even more important than that, your husband can have dignity knowing that he is providing for his family. Believe me, we've been through stages of needing government assistance. It is not fun. My husband now works insane hours. He hardly gets to see the kids and he comes home exhausted. It's so hard but when he gets that check at the end of the week, it makes it all worth it.
Once you are sending out your older child to playgroup, the cost of send one additional child to child care will not be as much a hit on your salary, so you can get a job then. Even if it only covers the two playgroups and some cleaning help (if that's what you need most), it may make a huge difference for you.
Next year I will have to pay tuition for 4 children (2 in school, 2 in playgroup) and my entire salary will go to cover that.

SingALong

Tue, Feb 26 2013, 10:41 am

Would you consider babysitting at home or opening a playgroup for your sons age and you could be the Morah? That way you can earn extra income and your DS would have friends and activities. Or see in your area what age Playgroup is needed, and if its not your child's age then at least you can earn his tuition to go elsewhere and more.

Some people in my area do an after Playgroup program for 2 hours, and bring in a nice Amy of $$$ for just 2 hours a day...maybe one if those work at home options is something you can think about.

amother

Tue, Feb 26 2013, 10:41 am

uhm yes, I am frustrated beyond anything by the same things you mention. I am a single mother of 3, I work full time, like crazy hours, and see my kids maybe 2hrs in the evening before they go to bed. This is my life for years already. I have no savings, nothing to fall on should chas v shalom the need arise. I run like a maniac, never having time. I feel old and exhausted, even though I'm not that old. Forget cleaning help or anything. My entire pay goes on rent, tuition, babysitting for evening hours until I get home from work, phone, electric. I barely have anything left for food. BUT I make too much to qualify for any government help, and I have a decent job!!! I go to the food stores, cutting everything, not allowing myself or kids barely a treat ever, or meat for that matter, meanwhile, the folks shop and load their carts and pay with food stamps. I could cry, this is what I'm working for? And I have so little time for my kids? My oldest needs braces, my insurance from work doesn't cover this, but medicaid does to some extent I've been told. So again we are worse off..... I could go on. Sorry I don't have any advice.

zaq

Tue, Feb 26 2013, 11:02 am

Ages and stages, people, ages and stages. few people manage to save anything when they have small children and are paying either fulltime childcare or yeshiva tuition or both. Plain fact of life. It usually gets a bit easier when the youngest kids start school because then their mothers can go to work and not have to pay fulltime childcare. Or they can start or expand their home business. Keep in mind that very young families are also usually still in entry-level positions or just starting a business and their income is likely to increase over time.

For many of us, the dream of home-ownwership is just a dream. You have to decide how much you're willing to sacrifice for that dream--if anything at all. You might decide that you'd rather rent forever and be able to afford household help now. Or you may decide that the scrounging now is worth having your own house someday.

TwinsMommy

Tue, Feb 26 2013, 11:26 am

we're almost 40 and are just NOW starting to think about buying our first home. And no, we don't have any savings/

We don't qualify for goverment help and we both work..... it would be SO NICE to own a home and be able to afford all that we need, but we were dealt the hand we were dealt.

a lot of people, I think, get money from their parents. I have no idea how their parents are all affording this, but there you go.

When my kids are old enough to beg us for money, we won't have any because we'll be paying down the debts we're incurring now. lol. cycle of life.

nyer1

Tue, Feb 26 2013, 12:43 pm

I kinda feel like, your income needs to be able to afford your expenses.... putting aside money to save is a different story... but if you're buying a house and you can't afford your basic expenses, that's kindof a problem.... I have a relative that takes food stamps and is on all the programs but owns her own house because of an inheritance that got her a down payment... owning a house is a luxury... if you can do it, great, if not, rent... no?

Liba

Tue, Feb 26 2013, 12:52 pm

Why are you not buying now? Houses are (in general) getting more expensive, not less. The money sitting there isn't likely growing. The longer it sits there the more temptation there will be to use it for things like cleaning help and the more likely the tuition committee is to see it (rightfully, if you would touch it for playgroup and cleaning help, why can't it be for tuition?) as available for tuition payments.

amother

Tue, Feb 26 2013, 2:05 pm

op

We havent bought a house because we can't afford the mortgage payments which would be about 600-1000 more than rent each month. Although in a few years we'll need to move and that would be what we would be paying.

I cannot babysit others I barely have patience for my own.

My DH hasnt gotten a raise in years. His work is not like that and now they are in deep financial straits. We were able to save because we didn't have children. Now that same salary is not enough. He has tried looking for other work but so far he has found nothing. We even looked into moving but still no suitable job prospects. I can work in about 6 months but I have no idea what kind of job to get and anything I get will be very very entry level, it will barely be worth it.

I know I shouldnt look at others but it is so hard. I'm human. It's hard to not have even though you have a job.

On top of all this DH wants a large family. How the heck will we do that if we can't even do this?????

Health is a Virture

Wed, Feb 27 2013, 12:31 am

most women are not working, getting household help and sending their children to playgroup. It's just not true! and if they are, believe me, majority of them are in major debt. You too can be on medicaid, and all those other things, if your husband worked less, learned more. It's your choice. other people made their decisions and you make yours. stop looking over your shoulder at other people. life is hard for everyone; for some its harder than for others; and some people have financial difficulties and some don't. at the end of the day, we will all be wearing the same clothing.

asp40

Wed, Feb 27 2013, 4:06 am

I think that you have a few things going on:

1 - you have some savings that you want to use for a down payment on a house. But, even if you d this, you cannot afford the mortgage. Do not buy a house. Better to rent and have sacings than buy, and lose the house.

2 - you believe your child needs playgroup. If you cannot afford this, then you cannot afford this - he/she will survive/ Or maybe look for a short inexpensive program. When my kids were toddlers, they went to preschool 2x/week for 2.5hrs. I was a SAHM, so I just needed a short break (and always had a baby at home)

3 - you think everyone gets money and help form others, and they have household help. This may or may not be true, but they probably do not have your savings. Where I live, every single person I know has cleaning help and or child care help. Guess what - I just hired someone to clean my house a few months ago -they come every other week for a few hours. And we have had a 6 figure income for many many years. This is the first year I felt like we had the extra money.

4 - Pesach - are you saying that you cannot afford food or you cannot clean alone?

I find that the most helpful thing for me is not comparing myself to others. I have friends who I think are doing well and then they admit they have zero retirement savings or whatnot. When I just focus on myself and my family, I can block out what other are/ are not doing.

spring13

Wed, Feb 27 2013, 7:21 am

I'm in a similar boat. B"H my husband has a good job and his prospects will improve over time, but for now I'm scraping together random income and doing whatever I can to save. My older DD absolutely needs playgroup, we're both much happier that way, but yeah, the expense is tough. And we've got student loans on top of that, for the degree that I'm not really able to use because my field is saturated and not working on Shabbos is a problem.

I don't get any kind of help. I constantly see other women asking on facebook about cleaning ladies and babysitters and wonder how everyone can afford it. I try to take pride in the fact that I'm more self-sufficient, but its still disgruntling. And now the house where I'm renting is being sold, and we could be kicked out in a few months - but we'll never find a place this size for the amount we're paying in rent. Ugh. Maybe we should have a safe haven or private forum for people who are barely scraping by without relying on the system.

It sucks. If you can't afford a mortgage though, don't buy. Talk to a financial advisor and see if they can help you decide what, if anything, to do with the money you've saved.