Kibud Av v'Em- listen or honor?

studying_torah

Mon, Jun 24 2013, 9:30 am

Does this mitzvah mean we need to listen to our parents & do what they tell us to do, or just honor them? For example, if a parent calls you up and says- do xyz, do we need to listen to them, or just say, thanks for that suggestion and do whatever you please?
And what does honoring them mean in practical terms?
Is it different once a person is older or moves out of their parents' house?
I'd appreciate any clarity!

imasinger

Mon, Jun 24 2013, 10:38 am

There is some extent to which it depends on the situation. The following is JMHO.

For sure, if a parent directs you to do something against halacha, we respectfully say no.

When we can make a parent happy by following their wishes, and the only thing preventing us is yetzer hara/laziness, we should make the effort.

A child who is still living under a parent's roof has more obligation to accede in the minor things, but within reason. (One would expect a parent to let a girl of 16 choose her own hairstyle within reason, for example, but if the parents insist on a certain style of dress for a simcha, the child should go along.)

The challenge comes in the gray area, where a parent directs an adult child to do something that the adult child considers unreasonable. I believe most rabbanim would say that it is all right to respectfully say no. "I 'm sorry, I cannot do that," with some reasonable explanation, is a respectful way to say no, IMO.

However, it can be worthwhile to ask specific questions of a rav to get further clarity.

Last edited by imasinger on Mon, Jun 24 2013, 11:47 am; edited 1 time in total

fromthedepths

Mon, Jun 24 2013, 10:45 am

All of that is discussed extensively in Halacha. So if you have a specific question, AYLOR. There are two categories involved: honoring and fearing parents. IIRC, honoring involves providing them with food and drinks. Fearing involves not contradicting them, not sitting in their seat, and so on.

If a parent makes a specific request, the general rule is that if that request is for the benefit of the parent (e. g., could you make me a cup of tea?) then the child is obligated to fulfill it. If it's not for the parent (put on your coat before you go out) there are grounds to say that the child does not have to obey.

someoneoutthere

Mon, Jun 24 2013, 10:49 am

Chazal explain kibbud av va'em as doing practical things for them specifically:giving/making sure they have food, clothing, escorting them/helping them walk, as well as rising in their presence

Yiras em v'av includes not sitting in their place, not contradicting them

So if they ask something, it really depends. There is definitely a difference between someone will lives at home and one who is independent in terms of what the parent can demand of them outside of this

busydev

Mon, Jun 24 2013, 11:08 am

Also a woman who is married al pi halacha has an obligation to her spouse before her parents. (ex she must serve her husband first and then her parents). a man still has the obligation to his parents (he should serve his parents and then his wife).

If a parent tells you to name a child x name, you do not have to (unless you want to). so in the calling up example you gave most likely you can say thank for the suggestion. (based on things I can think of parents telling their children.)

relish

Mon, Jun 24 2013, 11:39 am

busydev wrote:

This. And also, the husband does not halachically have to listen to in-laws, so if they tell daughter something and husband says no, she goes with what dh wants...

studying_torah

Mon, Jun 24 2013, 4:27 pm

Thank u all so much! The reason I asked is because my partner that I'm learning with emailed me about this topic, and before I learn with her next, I wanted some clarity and more detailed information to give her.
I don't yet know if she has specific questions on the topic of Kibud Av v'Em or wants general information on it.

marshmellow

Tue, Jun 25 2013, 6:47 pm

one has to respect them in the sense that were it not for them you wouldn't be here
one does not have to admire them, if they are not the sort of person to be admired.
one does not have to love them, but if they are someone you CAN love you should love them a lot.
I don't believe one should always listen to their parents if they are not wise and/or religious people, and I believe that occasionally only you know what's right for you, and you have to follow what your own instinct is telling you. Yes it is important to listen to the advice of your parents if it's good, but as adults we also have the freedom and right to make our own choices. That's part of life and learning to realise (sometimes from mistakes), that we have to try and make the right choices on our own. But if you are lucky to have a wise parent/s, you should definitely seek their advice.