move him? | Imamother

amother

Fri, Jun 28 2013, 1:08 am

We've been considering moving our ds (7yr) for a while.
One of the problems is that his class is so small, he's suffered when one kids in his group of friends has marginalized him), leaving him with very few other kids to socialize with.

The school we'd like to send him to works on bullying awareness and middos.

Seems like a no brainer right?

Here's the catch. The kid who's been hurting him this year is also moving there.
So, even though it is a school that has an anti bullying approach, we know that there is will be a new kid in the class who has a history of excluding our son.

I'm concerned that the pattern will continue, especially as they will both be trying to find themselves socially in the new school. I think they would end up in the same class.

You may be thinking, "if the problem kid is moving, then let your son stay!"

Yes, we thought about that, but we see the small class size as a disadvantage generally to the social dynamics of the class. We think that it will be easier for him to have more kids to be friends with, more choices etc.

There are other schools around, but this is really the school that we feel most suits us and him.

Maybe we should just move to NY/NJ and then we'll have a more choices....

but seriously, what do you think?

Kugglegirl

Fri, Jun 28 2013, 1:15 am

I think you should speak about your concern openly with the administrator or menahelet/menahel at the school you are considering.

Le toeles you should mention the specific child and the specific issues your child and that child had with each other. If the school is truly sensitive to the issue, they will appreciate that you are concerned about the interpersonal dynamics between these 2 children and work with both children to make sure that the transition to the new school is successful for all.

This discussion should give you a good idea of weather the school is actually addressing the issues of bullying, or is just putting up window dressing for public consumption.

My children have also been in very small classes. The social dynamics can be very delicate. Having a larger group of children to socialize with promotes more normalized social relationships. In my children's school, they have taken 2 grades (ie 3rd & 4th grade boys) and put them together for gym, art, lunch, davening etc. to give the kids a bigger social group to interact with. This has been helpful to some degree.

If you are otherwise happy with your son's school, aside from the problem of the small class group, maybe you can discuss this option with the administration at the current school.

amother

Fri, Jun 28 2013, 1:23 am

Kugglegirl wrote:

I was thinking along those lines, but I don't know if it's fair to declare the other kid a bully before he's even in the school.

anon for this

Fri, Jun 28 2013, 9:45 am

amother wrote:

Kugglegirl wrote:

I was thinking along those lines, but I don't know if it's fair to declare the other kid a bully before he's even in the school.

Maybe you could tell the administration that your child was being mmarginalized in his former class (as can happen in very small classes), and that you are moving him to a new school so that he can get a fresh start and because you believe that a larger class will benefit him socially. Then you could say that you know another boy from his former class is moving to the new school, and that you want to ensure that this boy doesn't inadvertantly "bring along" the old pattern of marginalizing your son. Ask how the administration can help your child with this. That way, you are not blaming the problem on the other boy, but on general class dynamics, but still telling them about the problem.

amother

Fri, Jun 28 2013, 10:24 am

imasinger wrote:

You don't have to say he is a bully. What you do is state that your DS is a bit afraid of this boy, and factually list a few specifics of incidents that explain why. Let them draw their own conclusions.

To be precise, he's not afraid of him, we are. We're concerned that he will use exclusionary tactics again in the new class.
It was subtle, the teachers never caught it this year (or never admitted it), even after we told them about it.

morah

Fri, Jun 28 2013, 10:27 am

You can tell them that your son and this other boy have a "history". That way,you are not specifically labeling the other boy, just stating concerns as they pertain to your son. If the school is as good about bullying as they claim, they will use this info well, either putting them in different classes or watching the situation closely and working with both boys.

imasinger

Fri, Jun 28 2013, 10:29 am

Here's another thought for you to mull over.

Social skills groups can provide training to a kid that has been marginalized, and help them learn how to handle subtle (or less subtle) social situations. Maybe your DS would benefit from such a group? It would also provide him with a group of friends in addition to and outside of the classroom, which can be great for self esteem.