Wanna move and my kids are against it

amother

Cerise

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 4:18 am

If this where me

I would either find a way to make aliya happen, or move to a community that isn't perfect but that has these requirements:
- chinuch that works for our family
- same language and culture ( so the hurdle is making new friends, not restarting life)

I would sacrifice my standard of living significantly, and having a community that I love for these to things.
When you have kids this age there needs are more important then our socail life or loving a community as parents.

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 4:18 am

Reality wrote:

What you are really saying, you are choosing your husband's work schedule over your children's school options and overall wellbeing.

I don't agree with that. Better your husband has worse travel for business and happy, well adjusted children in schools that meet your needs then convenient work commute and miserable children.

I am not against moving with older kids, obviously. I think people on this board view it as more traumatic then it really is. But your plans really don't sound in the best interest of your children and I think that is wrong. Before you have kids, when you have little ones and when you are an empty nester, you can move wherever and however often you want. Now is not the time for that.

Its not schedule.
It’s that we can afford that country for now. We may grow business and afford Israel a few years down the line.

We cannot currently afford Israel. We cannot rely on finding jobs there, at least in the beginning. That business will be our source of income.

We have wanted to move for years. Now is the point where we can suddenly afford it, just not to Israel or any other really expensive places.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 4:28 am

amother OP wrote:

That's what everyone else who makes aliya does. Why can't you do that?
It sounds like you even would have a cushion of some income from the buisness that most people don't have.

It sounds like you have put financial security and stability over chinuch decisions.
I think that is perfectly legitimate, and there is a lot of sechel in that - but there are consequences to that decision. One of them is that you pushed of moving until its to late - at this point it can only happen if the kids are on board.

If you can get them on board to the community you want - that's great. Otherwise you need to stay where you are and pay the price or go to a different place where they are on board - or at least you are not asking them to learn a new language and culture.

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 6:21 am

amother Cerise wrote:

We don’t speak Hebrew. I don’t think we would find well-paying jobs right away. We are not Americans. An alternative would be to have dh work back here a few days a week.

I felt that moving without the financial cushion would have jeopardized both our chinuch and our marriage and also our health, which ultimately would have been more detrimental than staying in our current community.
Now I, as a carrier of the most emotional burden, who would have to support my kids through these transitions, feel more equipped and ready than earlier.

It is very sad, we are all a work in progress.

amother

DarkRed

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 6:43 am

amother OP wrote:

You say you don't speak Hebrew so you can't move to israel yet you expect your children to learn a new language to move wherever it is you want.

amother

NeonPurple

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 6:49 am

I moved 3000 miles in 11th grade because my father’s job sent him to a new city. Was it easy, no. Was it traumatic, also no. I think your teens could cope well with a move if they wanted to. But a move to a whole different country/language/culture? That’s hard. Can’t you find a community with good schools that’s in the same country they grew up in?

amother

Taupe

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 6:53 am

amother DarkRed wrote:

You say you don't speak Hebrew so you can't move to israel yet you expect your children to learn a new language to move wherever it is you want.

Yes! I am really baffled by this. How will the kids pick up a different hashkafa from a school or classmates if they can't understand the basics of what's going on around them? Maybe I'm missing something.

I think moving for better schools is understandable in some situations. However, moving to a school where your kids don't speak the language but expecting the school to nevertheless be positive influence on them isn't realistic.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 7:08 am

amother OP wrote:

In that case, you need face reality, here are the realistic options:

a: stay where you are, even though you are unhappy, and accept that DD will be influenced by the school environment
b:move to another community in your country, possibly making sacrifices on lifestyle and have a tighter financial situation for the right schools.
c: move to the community in your country that you like but don't like the schools
d: go with the original plan and cause tremendous issues for your kids (new country and new culture) and hope for the best
e: make aliya without the financial cushion that you want

I would choose b or e, I don't think the others are in your children's best interests.

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 2:05 pm

amother Heather wrote:

Just throwing this out there, not sure if this would be an option, probably not for most, it's unique & will come with expenses like extra traveling, & the family I'm thinking of as far as I know is a very happy, close family - I'm not sure if the following was done due to the DC wanting or not wanting to move, but while they made aliyah, their highschooler stayed put & boarded by a family, I'm assuming her family offered money for food, expenses & what not.

I agree with another, that while op you can get some good ideas here perhaps, I'd seek wise guidance through this process as while on the one hand kids are resilient & can adapt, otoh, should be handled carefully & will need a lot of siyata dishmaya. Hatzlacha!

I don’t think it would be a good idea.

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 5:12 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

The second community would be like that.
The same language. Theoretically easier to come back if things don’t work out.
We know many people there.
Still the benefits that we don’t have in our current community.

There is no girls school but under current circumstances, what you are telling me is that she won’t integrate into a more restrictive RW school anymore even though we are RW at home.

Reality

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 5:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

The place you want to move to has no school for your daughters?

amother

Lotus

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 5:43 pm

I didn't read all replies. Maybe someone mentioned this already.
Would you consider 'vacationing' in that place where you're considering to move?
Go with your kids for say 2-3 weeks. Let them tour and see the place and look at houses. They might get a liking to that place. Regarding the language, they can start learning before the move. So once the move happens, they will know it pretty well.

amother

Maize

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 6:44 pm

We moved with an older teen and younger teen to a state where older Dd was already traveling to for school. She stayed in her school and already knew some girls in the town we moved to. Younger teen Dd graduated elementary and would be going to the same school so it was a natural transition. She also knew girls in the town. We’ve also spent summers there so it was a familiar place. Even with all of these familiar circumstances, the move has still been hard and an adjustment. All new everything, especially when they are not on board, may be too much.

amother

Cerise

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 3:26 am

Is there no RW school in your country?

I know everyone is saying its to late to switch to a RW school - I don't think thats true if it is in your country, with the same culture, and same language. But to pile everything on a young teen is basically a recipe for disaster.

The way you described it, she seems to basically be still on the same page as your family, but moving in the direction of the school. It is possible to make the switch, just not when it includes so many other challenges. And it should be to an in between kind of school - not as LW as where she is, but not so RW that she is choking.

I also think you are dismissing aliya too early. You would obviously need a financial buffer of a few months living expenses and for the move itself, but you do get some benefits for that.

Assuming you work full time and bring in 8-10k nis (that's what decent office jobs for english speakers bring in) dh works pt because he still has the business and brings in 5k nis, plus lets say the business brings in another 10k, you guys would be ok living a middle class Israeli lifestyle even in a city like Beit Shemesh, which I think is a good idea with a teen this old.

amother

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 4:50 am

Update:
I listen to all you smart Imas.
We had actually talked our kids into the interview.

But the dayan also said not to move to that place but rather aim for EY in the future.

I am very very sad. I keep crying. I don’t know why.