seriously- how should I know?

amother

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 11:50 am

All over facebook and in discussions in real life, people say things like, you know your child best, you do what works for your child.
But how do I know? My kids are under 3 years old and I dont feel like I have the experience or insight to understand which discipline things will work, when they need to eat or when they are sick or when they are tired. I have a schedule that I base more or less on the baby whisperer but beyond that I have no clue.

MORE THAN THAT....

How do I know regular things about bringing up kids? What is considered good food? how much is normal to give them for a meal? How many outfits they need? How many toys they need? How much crying is normal? How to entertain them? I feel like I'm always one step behind. I think I got it and then it's summer and I need to figure out if she needs sandals and shabbos shoes or rain boots or do I buy her umbrella? Is he understimulated? Is behavior something to ignore or look into? Sometimes I feel so neglectful because there's no rule book and everyone kind of expects you to know what to do, what or how much stuff to provide and how to bring them up, but what if I don't know anything?

I've read the baby whisperer, and some toddler discipline books, I have a bunch of books but they don't help me with the practicality. I've been asking around but people have just made me feel silly, like do what works for you, or I don't know you just know... I DONT KNOW. I DONT HAVE SOMETHING THAT WORKS FOR ME. I just want to know what's normal.

Is this totally crazy?

Can you tell I have not grown up with little kids in my house?

Lady Godiva

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 12:33 pm

I had my oldest children when I was pretty young, and it was not easy! I grew up with them. I made mistakes, and I learned from them. Every mom does. Nobody is born with a manual on raising kids. It's completely normal to feel unsure and need advice.

There's no magic answer to any of your questions. You're the mom, and you get to decide what they eat, how many toys you think they should have...
For questions regarding developmental concerns, or health and behavior questions, don't hesitate to ask your pediatrician. There's no shame in not knowing, and it's your pediatrician's job to help you determine if your children are developing well, if they need more help (therapy), or if any changes should be made at home.
You can ask him/her for advice on what to feed your children and how much they should eat. There are some amazing pediatricians who go as far as giving you recipes or ideas of good food combinations. Don't be afraid to ask questions.

Regarding clothing, shoes, accessories... It's REALLY up to you. I don't think it's necessary to buy a toddler a raincoat, but I have friends who'd never take their kids out in the rain without a raincoat. Sandals are not a must in the summer, but if you can afford an extra pair of shoes for the kid, why not? Same for Shabbat shoes, umbrellas... None of these things are right or wrong; they're just a matter of preferences. Just like you'd decide if it's worth it to buy yourself an extra whatever, same too with your children.
As long as your children have enough clean clothes to wear and a good pair of shoes that fit, that's ENOUGH.

Jewishmofm

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 7:35 pm

A basic kids closet - a good base to start with, tweaking to fit your style:

7 weekdayl outfits (can be actual outfits or shirt/pants shirt/skirt/ I love mix and matchables - all our tops match all our bottoms)
2 sweaters/hoodies
1 winter coat (we live in a warm climate, use our hoodies for this)
1 raincoat
2 dressy outfits
3 pajamas (maybe 4-5 for the toddlers)
10-12 pairs underwear
10-12 pairs socks/tights
8-10 undershirts
1 pair school/play shoes
1 pair shabbos shoes
1 pair sneakers (I buy sneakers for school as we're hard on our feet here, and it's one less thing to buy)

A good place to start for mealtime basics:
http://www.letsmove.gov/healthy-families

the only thing I take exception to here is the fruit juice for drinking - yes, it's better than soda or kool aid, but water is best for thirst. I try to save juice for shabbos - I'll have a bottle of juice and a bottle of soda on the table, and my kids will take them equally.

Jewishmofm

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 7:39 pm

One more thing: I heavily relied (and still do rely!) on same-stage friends (we all have school aged kids now,and had toddlers at the same time). We discuss our kids lunches, bedtimes, scrapes, behavior, clothing, etc. I've never done it in an official sense, but a mommy support group is a must. A mother does know her child best - after years of getting to know the child. Give yourself time and a pat on the back for reaching out. Remember that Imamother is a great place to put your specific bringing up family questions.

bamamama

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 10:54 pm

It's hard. Do you have any intuitive feelings about any of the situations you mentioned? Once I started to pay attention to my intuition (instead of drowning it out with books and other people's stuff) I realized it was pretty reliable. Took a few years to get to that point, though.

chocolate chips

Sun, Aug 18 2013, 10:58 pm

You know your child best whether he likes oranges or apples but not whether either may be good for him.

I get you.

As others said I guess we learn from our mistakes. I am b"h lucky (and can you believe I used to hate being the oldest) that I am the oldest of a large family and my mom still has little kids at home so I usually have who to ask for advice but even then, I "adapt" the advice to my kid.
Sometimes when people say you know best, its because they don't know what else to say, other times its as an end to a suggestion. Here is what I would do, you would know if it will work for you either because you know he does/doesn't like this idea or because you have/will try and find out.

I know this may not sound politically or well, very much correct in any sense, but raising kids is pretty much trial and error. I would know, Im the guinea pig Wink

flowerpower

Mon, Aug 19 2013, 2:28 am

Many people don't know!! How should you know??? You need someone thats right before your stage and been through it to give you good advice and help you out. I always help out sil. She asks me questions all the time and sends me pictures of stuff that she is undecided when shopping. You learn from experience.