How to involve DH in the finances?

amother

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 10:55 am

I have been married for a while (8+ years) and I always handle the finances. B"H even though we've had ups and downs, it's generally been fine, and I believe that it will continue to be so in the future. The problem is that my husband refuses to look at the day to day financial matters, and it's all on me. I have a number of little kids, plus yom tov coming up. I also am a consultant, so I won't be paid for much of September. I have a lot of decisions to make - for example, how much to pay the babysitter? Whether to work on chol hamoed or spend time with the kids? But I can't ask my husband because he doesn't have a clear picture of the finances. It's really stressing me out to handle this alone. I tried to just give it all over to him "cold turkey" (around this time last year) and it backfired - he wouldn't touch anything and we had tons of unpaid bills, bounced checks, and lack of transferring maaser, etc. Can anyone think of a way that I can gradually ease my husband into taking over this responsibility? He's very talented in other areas and I think he could do it, he's just never needed to ...

amother

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 11:09 am

Yes, I have especially tried to share my feelings with him at non-stressful times. His response is usually something along the lines of - "Well, you're better at it" or "I'm not good at things like filling out forms ..."

Both of these statements are true expressions of how he feels, but I know that when he's motivated, he can be awesome at this stuff - he did our entire house purchase from start to finish even though there were tons of forms and details.

So I think that he is just making excuses because he'd rather me handle this chore. And I don't want to be responsible for it anymore.

hoboken

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 11:27 am

I feel for you. I think though that if you're truly better at it, you might just have to suck it up and keep managing the finances.
I'm going thru something similar, though I'm not working. DH has no idea why his paycheck is different every month, and when I beg him to just call HR and find out, he says he's not bothering since the boss wont want to explain it and is very controlling. I think that's ridiculous, since it's a huge organization, and there's gotta be a record as to why he's paid what he is. and he won't manage the maaser and tzedaka, or insurance payments, or mortgage, or bills, or anything else. he tells me I'm much better at it. and truthfully, I am. I dont want to do it, or at least I dont want to do it all by myself, especially since he's the one earning the money, and I wonder how someone who's a professional and is so responsible in everything else in life just has no concept (or desire to have any concept even) of money. sometimes I humor myself by running investment decisions or tzedaka amounts by him, just to see if he even pays any attention.
but like many other things in life, sometimes you just dont have a choice. bills need to be paid and money needs to be managed. and it's far better to have the more responsible party take care of it than to have things fall by the wayside and potentially ruin your credit.

amother

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 11:40 am

OP here. Thanks so much hoboken for your reply. I like the logic of it. I have two (or more) follow up questions -

1) Sometimes I think that if he really knew the nitty gritty, he'd be motivated to earn more money. Right now he earns a decent amount, but he has zero motivation to increase it. Unfortunately we can't save so much, and I use our tax refund to get through Pesach and the summer. I "let" him keep his bonus, but who knows, we might need that for future tuitions IY"H. When I ask him how we are going to manage, sometimes he says - "you will get a better job," meaning me. I feel like if he was engaged in the bill paying, then he would want to "man up" and earn more money. Maybe. Any thoughts on that?

2) I also think that as a more global thinker, he might be able to do a better job on the whole. Because I make all the decisions, I just go with my own feelings about how much to pay the babysitter when she's not working, or when to shop for the kids, go on vacation etc. The truth is, we don't have much discretionary income, so it's not like this is a major point, but I would like some reassurance that I'm not mismanaging the expenditures. Also, because he's not connected, he says crazy stuff like he wants to do high end renovations of all the bedrooms, etc. We have absolutely zero money for that, so I tell him to use his bonus, but it's very unrealistic because we need that extra money for a new car and other things ... so we end up living in a bizarre disconnect and it's making me angry (I stay up late agonizing over the finances and he looks at home renovations on houzz.com on his iPad) ...

amother

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 11:49 am

By the way - here's a clue into your paycheck amounts question. After a person makes around $110k in a year, the government stops collecting social security and medicare tax - it's some number under $400 a paycheck. When I was working at a high paying job, my paycheck would jump by a couple of hundred dollars when August rolled around. Also, the first paycheck this happens for, it's going to be a little less (like $100) because the govt still needed to collect some of it, and by the second paycheck it should be more. Otherwise I also would panic to see different paycheck amounts (unless you recently switched insurance plans).

21young

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 11:58 am

It sounds like to me like your DH is living in the dream world of a child, allowing you to do all the hard grown-up stuff for him, and you're enabling him by allowing this to continue. No, it's not fun to manage money, but that's part of growing up and running a family.

IMO you need to sit him down and tell him that you don't expect him to run the finances, you will still pay the bills and do the actual bookkeeping, but he has to be part of financial decisions that are made because if not he's spending on an unsustainable budget. He has to go over the budget with you, adding up the dollars and cents every month. Even if you're the one to actually pay the bills he has to know what's in the account at all times. You can't be expected to shoulder the entire burden on your own. Seeing it with his own eyes might motivate him to work harder.

amother

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 12:04 pm

21young wrote:

You are exactly right. Yesterday I told him that money was tight, SOOOOO ... he called me during the day and told me he "took one for the team" by foregoing lunch and buying a Clif bar instead. I said - that's just great. Then I will have a husband that comes home starving on a Thurs nt when I am cooking for Shabbos and have no food to give him. Does he really think that saving $10 is going to magically cure everything.

And I definitely think that I am enabling. It's a major problem that I have had, and I am gradually cutting back from the enabling in all other areas (I have been easing him into the cooking and the childcare, to preserve my energy and sanity, and now I am looking to ease him into this as well, so he doesn't get a free ride while I work myself into a shmatteh).

hoboken

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 1:04 pm

so I can't really offer advice on #1, since thank god DH makes a nice living, and he does do some extra things anyway that earn even more. he'll do some extra work and then call me and say "oh, I just made us another $2000". so at least he's aware of that! I'm fairly financially savvy and have set up automatic savings plans and I move money into savings and investments all the time (I used to tell him we need to have a discussion about it, but then I'd have to wait until he had time or patience to talk about it, and he always basically just told me my plans were fine, so I've given up on consulting him and will occasionally mention that I've moved the money). I have my own financial advisor from before I got married, and I made him come with me to a different one together.
but in terms of #2, I think that going with "feelings" is a bad idea to begin with. you should have a system for paying your babysitter that does not rely on your feelings or emotions. set up policies with the babysitter, like if you cancel on her, you pay her, but if she cancels, you don't pay her. or something like that. set up a separate savings account that you put a little bit into each week for a vacation fund. or start an account on ING or smartypig or something similar for a discretionary spending account, and have a little automatically transfer each week. even if it's only $10, at least you're saving for a goal. you can always add in lump sums to beef it up if you have extra cash on hand or from bonuses. he shouldn't get to "keep" his bonus - that's part of the income you depend on, not a huge wad of cash for him to go blow on xbox games or a fancy watch. take a chunk of that and put it into the discretionary fund. and when he comes up with grand plans to renovate your entire home, hand him your computer with an excel spreadsheet open and tell him it's fine with you as long as he comes up with a detailed plan on how you will pay for that without affecting your other bills and financial obligations. it may seem like you're treating him like a child, but honestly, these men who wont deal with the financial side of their life are acting immature and are kind of asking for it Smile

JollyMommy

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 9:59 pm

Make a very basic budget and go over it with him:

one side what you make after taxes. other side what you must pay- rent, gas, childcare, healthcare, tuition and include blank spaces for food, clothes, savings and entertainment. Discuss the blanks- food, clothes, entertainment, savings because these are where the decisions occur. Let's say after the things you must pay you have $3000 left over. You can choose to go nuts with food, but guess what you won't save any money or do anything fun that month.

I think of my budget this way. I have an amount I must save every month, after that I have options on what to spend, and if I spend less then I get to save more and invest more, which makes me very happy.