Trying to help my friend- how?

amother

Mon, Sep 02 2013, 3:58 am

I have a close friend who lives right nearby. We get together many afternoons in the park with our kids, or just to play at one of our houses if it's too hot.
We both have 4 kids, similar ages. My kids ka"h are generally happy, well behaved kids.
Her kids are really difficult. Her kids have no concept of personal safety (touching hot things, climbing on really high places outside, running right near cars in the driveway) , and they have no boundaries. (throwing food, throwing things out the window, getting undressed and running around, climbing on counters , going through the fridge and making a mess, flushing things down the toilet, pouring water all over the floor etc etc).
They are extremely picky eaters, she can't get them to eat anything healthy.
The oldest has sensory issues, and is getting help. I think the younger ones follow her lead and copy the crazy things she does.

She isn't managing, and I wanted to get some recommendations of books/parenting techniques/classes to recommend to her. She vents all the time about how hard they are , so I do think she would be interested in hearing my suggestions.

junam

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 6:03 am

If you think she wont be offended if you hand her a parenting book when you next see her, then try. You could instead, next time she vents, gently hint at the huge selection of parenting books out there if she was interested...

imasinger

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 6:30 am

Junam has a good idea for a gentle approach. You really have to tread carefully in these cases, as, if she is already overwhelmed and insecure about her parenting, your attemp to help may come across as judgmental and critical.

Best bet is to casually share a book you like (one of my favorites is Howard Glasser's "Transforming the Difficult Child: A Nurtured Heart Approach", or, for sensory issues, "The Out of Sync Child", by Kranowitz.) If you know of any good parenting courses near you, you could mention how helpful they were to X, being careful to avoid criticism.

amother

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 6:31 am

junam wrote:

Thanks for answering.
I don't think she will be offended. I do need recommendations for parenting books, because I don't know any. Specifically for difficult children.

hop613

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 6:37 am

How do you know she hasn't read all these parenting books already?

I think unless she specifically asks, it will be hard to recommend a book in a way that wont make her feel bad.

Just thank hashem your children are well behaved.

amother

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 7:44 am

hop613 wrote:

She hasn't read any, she just complains that her kids are so hard and she doesn't know what to do with them.
She is in a bad place right now, I think.
for example, when they're doing something dangerous outside she just is too tired and overhwelmed to chase after them and says "let them do what they want, if they get hurt they'll learn their lesson". we're talking about little kids!
I think she would appreciate the help, we're good friends.

amother

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 7:46 am

imasinger wrote:

Thanks for the suggestions, because I don't know any books!
Are any of these books available for kindle?

pinkbubbles

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 10:52 am

There is room for improvement for every parent. Perhaps invite her to come along to a class or short parenting course with you.
Try spending some of your time with other families if it keeps bothering you.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Sep 03 2013, 12:21 pm

I completely agree with every post up there.

In addition to what other posters recommend, you might look at your friend's own level. See if you can steer her to some uplifting shiurim, or the company of a rebbetzin. There is a need to get some personal growth going, inside your friend.

This stuff goes way back; your friend really needs a lot of support, possibly serious professional help. Beyond anything an untrained friend can do, such as yourself.

I am not putting your friend down. She is probably doing her best.

The father is the crucial unmentioned factor here.