Spinoff of the scarred thread - Will I scar my kids?

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 9:17 pm

Overall, I had a great upbringing. My parents were dedicated first and foremost to being the best parents possible and had (overall) solid childrearing ideas, practices, and guidance. There was a lot of unconditional love, firm but reasonable boundaries, etc.

They came from difficult backgrounds - my mother was horribly abused by her parents and my father had overly disciplinarian and somewhat distant parents. They shielded me from this as much as possible, and I actually had great relationships with all my grandparents.

There were a couple of periods of unrest in my home, where situations with extended family caused major shalom bayis, but overall my parents have/had a great relationship.

By all accounts, I've turned out great. I'm still scarred, though. I've done a lot of therapy, and have so many deep down issues, mostly subconsciously picked up from my parents as a result of their upbringing, rather than because of anything that happened to me.

I'm so scared about what I'll do to my kids, no matter how hard I try. There is a lot of love in our home, and laughter. My kids have a lot of healthy boundaries - they know what they are allowed to do and not, and are reasonably happy to follow the rules. I get told left and right by friends and their teachers about what good, healthy, kids they are. They believe in their abilities, they have brilliant self esteem.

But I'm not always perfect - or even what I'd call normal. Especially when I am dealing with issues (which seem never-ending). Sometimes I'm in so much emotional pain and then it's one thing after another with the kids, and I just lose it. I'll shout, cry, throw them in to bed (not quite literally, but you get the idea). I can be rough physically at those times, not actually hitting them or anything (though I have spanked in the past but no longer do) but more like "I must relocate you into your bed because I am disintegrating as we speak" in not the most gentle way. I try to make up for all this, sometimes telling them I'm sorry and I didn't mean it, I was very sad or whatever they'll understand.

There's a lot of snuggling and I love you's and smiles and wonderful memories. But I grew up with all that, too. And still struggle so.

I am working so hard at breaking free from the pain buried deep inside me, and I hope and pray that one day I will be 100% healthy and able to parent my children without negative emotional "residue".

But will these difficult early years scar them anyway, no matter how perfect a home I can offer them in the future? And no matter how wonderful things are around here 80/90% of the time? Will the negative affects of my grandparents childrearing (and their own difficult upbringings) be in our family forever?

I always assumed that everyone is scarred in some way, that no parent is perfect, that getting over the mishugasim we got from our parents is a universal part of life. But so many people in that thread said they were fine.....

amother

Tue, Oct 29 2013, 4:00 am

Wow, I could have written certain parts of your post. I am the original op who asked who wasn't scarred by there parents.
And like you my parents were way more scarred by their parents then me.
Obviously it contributed to their lacks.

Like you, I'm resolving a lot of issues. I've been taking anti-deppressants which have helped enormously with my anger issue and have made me a better mother and wife.

But like I said, so many issues still remain. I still remember so many things from my childhood. Being one of many kids, not getting attention from my parents, having no-one to speak to. My parents brought a lot of their own issues into their marriage and there were often times that you could cut the tension with a knife. I was so scared to get married because I thought marriage was unfulfilling, boring and tense. I sometimes felt uncomfortable in my own house as I was scared of my father who enforced yiddishkeit on us in the most unhealthy way.

Despite this, I cant say I didn't learn anything from them and each and every one of my siblings is amazing in there own way. Not without their fair share of issues and counselling.

I am scared of scarring my kids, but I have been thinking about it. I realize that these days their is so much more self awareness(just the fact that we are acknowledging and discussing show this.) I am aware of how my childhood affected me and I am a concsious parent and wife. The important thing is to make that effort and WORK,WORK,WORK. Because being a parent or spouse requires work and effort, and will then be so rewarding.

Yes , we all have our limitations but I guess the way that we effect our kids will be their avodah when they grow up.

Oh and daven Exclamation