Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my Teenagerrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

sequoia

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 2:54 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

As for later marital attitudes, there is nothing worse than being married to a man who knows how to cut a tomato better than you do. My friend has that. She hates life. She says if she re-marries, it will be to a man who wildly appreciates anything put in front of him, because his mom fed him, he loved his mom, and if it had ketchup on it, it was all right. That's her current fantasy. Poor girl.

That's not logical! That's not how we go from the particular to the general! His being a good cook is not the salient feature of their bad relationship.

Seriously, what an enormous sample size.

5*Mom

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 3:01 pm

I don't wake my teens up in the morning but I don't punish them for being late. I stay out of it completely. IMO, instituting a punishment is still you over-meddling in his responsibilities and treating him like a little boy. Either he will or he won't and he will have to deal with whatever natural consequences result - and you should have nothing to do with it.

Barbara

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 3:05 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

You pay tuition money and they don't punish lateness? I know you pay for a lot more than that, but they are there to do that, it seems to me.

He should not have attitude that he can't make himself a sandwich if he wants one and the kitchen is closed.

But he is still a kid in age, he is in the age where he is both a kid and not a kid. It is tender to make a kid's lunch for school. When he is chomping on it, he will feel the love that made it. That is in the middle of a demanding day and it helps.

Same goes for breakfast. It is tender.

As for later marital attitudes, there is nothing worse than being married to a man who knows how to cut a tomato better than you do. My friend has that. She hates life. She says if she re-marries, it will be to a man who wildly appreciates anything put in front of him, because his mom fed him, he loved his mom, and if it had ketchup on it, it was all right. That's her current fantasy. Poor girl.

Yeah. I have a friend whose husband was abusive. He threw heavy metal objects at her. Tore up her work if she dared to bring it home at night. He once took all her money and her train ticket and abandoned her dozens of miles from home. But that wasn't so bad. He might have been able to cut tomatoes, and then where would she have been?

Barbara

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 3:08 pm

I knock on DS' door in the morning.

If I oversleep, DH wakes me. And vice versa. I'm not seeing the big deal here.

Also, and FTR, most boys don't eat before davening. At least at our school, there's cereal and milk available afterwards.

freidasima

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 3:15 pm

Dolly I'm surprised. Why do you think that his wife will ignore him when getting the kids out? Why isn't HE the one getting the kids out? Where I come from fathers of babies and toddlers with children who have to be "gotten out" go to hashkomo at 5:45, are home by 6:30 and while mommy is nursing/feeding the baby daddy is getting the little ones up and out to maon or gan by 7;15 so that mommy can take baby to maon by 7:30 and be at work by 8.

Maybe you aren't used to a society where boys at 18 have to be tough. They go to the army and if they can't get up on time they get thrown in the brig. So they had better get disciplined toute suite and better at home in their teens than sit in an army jail because they can't open their eyes on time or follow orders.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 3:53 pm

That is a good picture you paint, Freida Sima.

But I didn't get the impression that kind of social dynamic is operating here.

I was trying to get this specific OP's kid to do what she wants.

My notion was for OP to back off in some ways (his getting up, his shower), meaning negative action, and, to do some other things she may not be doing now, meaning positive action.

The positive action was offering him food - because organizing even simple food is work, as we know so well - and doing it for the kid might make his task easier for him.

Carrot and stick. The carrot is a nice breakfast with mom made by her, pure pleasure.

The stick, I thought, should come from the school. OP says she will speak to the school in frustration. But that means that the school, at present, doesn't mind when he saunters in late. He may be influenced by exactly that!! They are his teachers, and they are teaching him it is ok to be late, just by having no reaction at all to his lateness.

However the sense of this thread seems to be, "just require, severely, that he shape up". But OP has already tried that, and it hasn't worked. I thought OP might try some different symbolic acts to get the desired results.

It was an attempt to shake up a stalemated situation.

freidasima

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 4:13 pm

In that sense Dolly it's a good idea, but it has to be part and parcel of a whole picture of this DS taking charge of his time, of his responsibilities and of his life. it includes a bit of budgeting for his finances - allowance, pay for chores, after school or bein hazemanim jobs, it includes getting up on time, and going to sleep on time (or not and being tired but STILL getting up on time) and then it also includes privileges that go to responsible teens.

Having your mother make you breakfast is not one of them, it's a general family thing which is nice.

hop613

Thu, Oct 31 2013, 9:56 am

5*Mom wrote:

I agree with this. By you punishing him and taking away computer time, you are still shouldering some of the responsibility. Let him figure it out himself.