obsessing about weight spin off of fat shaming thread

detroitmom

Fri, Dec 06 2013, 1:18 am

I'm not thin. Not by a long shot. I'm not going to sugarcoat it and say I am plump or voluptuous either. I'm chubby. I absolutely need to lose about 25 lbs in order to look thin.

Does that mean I am going to drive myself nuts in order to do so? Heck no.

There is more to life than those extra lbs.

Don't wear baggy clothing, you will look like a heavy person wearing baggy clothing.

Believe it or not, you can look attractive at pretty much any weight, you just have to buy clothes that flatter you. Yes it's more of a pain in the neck than if you were an 'ideal' weight but it's worth it for your self confidence!! Clothing that accentuates the positive aspects of your body does wonders for your look and for your self esteem.

I am not a big overeater. And there are plenty like me, who are chubby - not obese, just chubby. I have a very well balanced diet but allow myself simple pleasures like a piece of pizza or some chocolate every so often. No I am not going to feel like less of a person because I can't be a size 2 without starving myself.

Life is very short. Don't waste it obsessing.

Tablepoetry

Fri, Dec 06 2013, 3:36 am

mandksima wrote:

Maybe I'm naive but I don't see a whole lot of people obessing in real life, only on Imamother.

Actually I do see people obsessing, at least in certain circles. In one work place ALL my colleagues talked about was weight loss. Both men and women (ok, half the men, and most of the women). Compliments to those who lost weight. Advice on new diets. Fat free recipes. Etc. Etc.

Where I work now it's not a topic of conversation. But yes, in some places, it's an obsession.

amother

Fri, Dec 06 2013, 5:28 am

Looking overweight can give you such a self loathing, even if it is due to something else.

For years, I thought I was disgusting because I had loose skin and uneven small rolls of fat over my torso and stomach, and one hip stuck out really far, the other one not at all, I hated myself for not only being fat, but unevenly fat, how gross is that? And I wore the baggiest clothes ever, so I looked twice the size I was. Even my OB, when he did an intrrnal, said my pevic organs were angled and lopsided, and I blamed it on being fat.

Then I had an xray, and discovered that I had a very severe curvature of the lower spine, so my ribcage was basically sitting on my pelvic bone, twisted and lopsided, so there was no room for any of my organs to sit, they were pushed out and one hipbone stuck out rrally far, the other sat directly in line with my head. I was so twisted up that the surgeon couldn't believe I stood, walked and wasn't in a wheelchair, but all the time I thought it was all my fault for being fat.

Then I had surgery, and they straightened me out, and all the sticking out bits I thought were fat vanished!

I still have rounded hips, stomach and behind, but in a normal way. My back wings were all because my spine had a reverse curve, it curved out instead of inward from the waist down. Im not skinny, but medium to slim with a normally curving body and can wear fitted clothes, instead of looking terrible in them.

I can't believe how conned I was by the world that my bad figure was due to fat and all my fault instead of really seeing what the problem was.

obviously, this is not true for everyone, but I wanted to share how much we are obsessed with being overweight and self blame, so we don't even recognize true abnormalities when they stare us in the mirror Crying

mandksima

Fri, Dec 06 2013, 6:39 am

Oh, I have come across people in my life that have been obsessive even once they were an ideal size (maybe not according to them who would never be happy) but never on a daily basis.

I get together with lots of women in my community and there may be a few dieters that talk amongst themselves what dishes are better for their diet and all but for the most part, all shapes and sizes of women still enjoy a treat at a simcha and eat well in front of other women. When I share Shabbat meals, I am the weirdo with the special foods but I share them and people like them and no one really minds eating something unrefined. I really don't make a big deal about it and no one does either. Maybe some would call me obsessive about what I eat but it is for health reasons and not for body size even though that can be a bonus. I don't veer off because I feel I can't sacrifice my health, I don't think that is anything like what people are complaining about. I do promote the Paleo lifestyle when I feel it would help an illness or difficulty that someone describes they are experiencing and I'm sorry if some are sick of it but I get comments all the time that this knowledge has made people so happy and feeling better so I am not stopping even if I am told I am getting obsessive. I get sad when I keep hearing a fat free diet wil help one lose weight when there has been so much evidence to the contrary so I do speak up when people ask why I am eating the way I do and those I speak with are happy to hear even if they don't feel it is the way they could eat. To each his own!

Chayalle

Fri, Dec 06 2013, 9:42 am

OP

ITA with every word of your post.

As a young girl/woman I was quite slim, but at some point in my upper 20's my metabolism began to slow, and by now I've gained about 25-30 pounds (it goes up and down). It's not that I eat more than I used to....I just seem to burn it less.

I don't feel like I should obsess my whole life about this. I have other areas to focus my thoughts and energies, and being slim is not my life's goal. I can wear nice clothes and look good, even if I don't look 20 anymore.

I so don't enjoy it when I go to a Simcha and find myself surrounded by people who obssess over every food item on the table. They can't wash, because Challah has so many carbs. The salad dressing is calorie loaded, so they moon and moan over it while I try to enjoy it on my own. The main dish has roast potatoes, oh no! And the chocolate-iced praline dessert is for a different generation. And they can't begin to understand why I have not hopped on their bandwagon.

I actually grew up in a somewhat European family, and the culture I've absorbed is very different....I think ultra-thin is a little bit gross. I wouldn't want to be a size 2, though I wouldn't be averse to dropping 20 pounds...but not at the price of it taking over my life.

groisamomma

Fri, Dec 06 2013, 12:16 pm

roch84 wrote:

mandksima wrote:

Maybe I'm naive but I don't see a whole lot of people obessing in real life, only on Imamother.

Do a lot of people in real life tell you about their husbands having p*orn problems?

Personally, I believe that Imamother is the place where people share what they are REALLY thinking and feeling but can't tell you face-to-face.

Do you believe people with fat wives are justified in watching p*rn? I wonder if they are using it as an excuse and would do it even if the wife was rail thin.

So sad that on top of the low self-esteem from her weight, she might be blaming herself for his addictions. No one specific, just such women in general.

Runner18

Fri, Dec 06 2013, 12:26 pm

groisamomma wrote:

roch84 wrote:

mandksima wrote:

Maybe I'm naive but I don't see a whole lot of people obessing in real life, only on Imamother.

Whoa, I hope my post didn't sound like I was linking overweight wives with husbands watching [filth]...

My point was that just because people don't talk about something in 'real life' doesn't mean it's not happening. Imamother is so appealing because people CAN talk about what's going on for them without fear of judgment and feeling ashamed. We constantly see posts here about husbands watching [filth], but you don't often hear your friends/relatives telling you their husbands have that problem. Yes, we only see the posts here about the ones do, and we hear more about the bad marriages than the good ones, but there is no q in my mind that what you read on Imamother is far more raw and sincere than people would acknowledge in their day-to-day conversations with you.

amother

Fri, Dec 06 2013, 1:33 pm

Some people automatically blame everything on weight. It's hard for me to imagine that a person could have such severe scoliosis and think it was her weight. But then, someone whose brains I respected told me that my fingers and nails are shaped the way they are because of my weight. That neither the fingers nor the nails changed shape when I lost weight I attributed to the fact that they had grown that way for so long, they couldn't reverse the process. That I know obese people who have piano-player fingers and hand-cream-model fingernails never made me doubt this woman's pronouncements.

Then I had a baby, and one of the first things I noticed was that this individual who weighed about as much as a 2-liter Coke had fingernails exactly like mine. Genetics and bone structure, nothing to do with weight at all.

amother

Fri, Dec 06 2013, 5:51 pm

Ok, I TOTALLY obsess about my weight. I am the amother who posted in the shaming thread about my hoshimotos. BUT I don't blame everything on my weight. b"h I have a great life, great career, great husband etc. I did grow up with parents who were on me 24/7 about my weight so I carry it with me all the time. That said, its a huge problem in the community. Anyone have a daughter in shidduchim? Every time I try to set a girl up the guy wants to know what size she is. They all want a size 0 or 2....I don't even think they know what it is. A friend of mine told me thats what his MOTHER told him to say. Another time I was speaking to a rav about setting someone up and he said the girl wasn't right because she was easily a size 6 or 8 and the guy wants a 2. I asked him what size his middos were? Its a huge problem everywhere.

rainbow dash

Sat, Dec 07 2013, 3:12 pm

amother wrote:

What did this rabbi answer you?

amother

Sat, Dec 07 2013, 6:54 pm

rainbow dash wrote:

amother wrote:

What did this rabbi answer you?

He didn't answer me. It was a rhetorical question. I don't think he is used to women speaking to him that way. I just couldn't control myself. I understand if a guy wants a "fit" girl and he should be attracted to her, but only dating girls who are size 0/2 - and encouraging this as acceptable seems downright appalling. A size "6 or 8" is most certainly fit and in shape. Why is talking about womens bodies like this acceptable? To me, it just seems so far from a frum value. Should we start asking what guys waist and chest size is for shidduchim? Measure their biceps? Check to see how much hair their father and grandfathers have left?

Its just my two cents. I am 30, so I don't have daughters in the shidduch scene, but I have younger friends who are and I just feel like its changed a lot since my day - for the worse - and I am not sure how I size 0/2 has become something so important to many of these young guys. I don't even think my husband would know what size a size 2 is - he doesnt know women's sizing - all he knows is if someons is slim, average, or overweight. These guys are getting it from somewhere, its not just popping in their heads. I feel like I know so many amazing girls looking for shidduchim....or I am in a conversation with someone and they will say "I don't get it, shes a size 2, pretty, nice, good job, whats wrong, why can't she find a shidduch" It bothers me the way people throw this size nonsense around - building it up to be the ideal. Yes, its important to be healthy and to be in shape. But a random size - that for larger boned people is not even feasible - is not a healthy mentality or an ideal that should be encouraged.

OK, gonna hop off my soap box and gonna melava malka it up over here woot woot!

detroitmom

Sat, Dec 07 2013, 7:45 pm

I absolutely think it's the mothers behind this. Men have no idea of women's sizes for the most part. Most men don't have these crazy standards of all women being skinny minny to be attractive. Men love curves - they don't want a fatty but most certainly would like a woman who was a size 8 or so, if they were compatible with her.

Guys like a woman who has chein and has some life in her and is passionate about stuff other than her looks. She doesn't have to be a size nothing to be hot.

amother

Sat, Dec 07 2013, 7:59 pm

detroitmom wrote:

Really? After the fat shaming thread?

PinkFridge

Sat, Dec 07 2013, 9:36 pm

There was a Mishpacha article featuring a few shadchanim sometime last year. I think it was the senior Rabbi Yanofsky who was told a boy wanted a size 2 girl and he called his wife in because he couldn't understand; if he was a 48 did that mean the girl would be 1/24 his size?
The best line is from a rav, as well as a mechanech I know, who when asked ridiculous size questions (and yes, people will ask a rav) say, this girl's not for your son, have a nice day.

Last edited by PinkFridge on Sun, Dec 08 2013, 10:53 am; edited 1 time in total