Help me not to (express being) angry about Xmas in public sc

amother

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 8:16 am

Pita, are you upset because DD is bringing home books from the school library that are about Xmas?

Would books about winter be more acceptable (snowmen, snow days, etc)? That way, DD won't feel singled out, but you won't have to go through reading her stories about Santa. If you think that's a good compromise, you could have a gentle word with the teacher and the librarian to say "DD loves coming to library and picking books, but could you help her find some great books about winter? Snow days? <insert>" If you do it in a respectful manner and don't make it about Xmas stuff at all, you'll likely get a positive response. This teacher has gone above and beyond for your kid, and the last thing you want to do (especially if your kid is in kindergarten, she'll likely be at this school a long time) is become That Parent that the admin doesn't want to deal with.

amother

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 9:45 am

OP, I was that kid.

I used to sit out of carol singing practice every morning for 2 weeks before the annual concert, and play on my own in the classroom. There were a thousand things I wasn't allowed to participate in, from Easter eggs to church visits, and reciting the Lord's Prayer every morning. I stayed at the school until I was 9, then moved to a jewish school.

I actually felt very socially integrated, I had lots of friends, none of whom were Jewish, and my mum used to send me to their houses with a little packed lunch or supper if I went to play, which happened a lot. I even stayed over at one friend, whose mum must have turned the kitchen inside out to accommodate me, they were the real bacon/ pork sausages type.

Sitting out of Xtian activities made me feel special, not inferior at all, which must be a reflection of how my parents presented it, although I don't remember what they said. I was so proud to be Jewish, I even spent a whole week of carol singing practices writing a 10 page pencil on paper version of the chanukah story, impressed the principal so much he read it aloud at the weekly assembly, after the Xtain prayers, of course!

I remember those times with a smile, not regret or resentment, so it wasn't so terrible for me to be excluded, and if that is what you have to do, it doesn't have to harm your dc at all. I don't have any useful advice, but wanted to share this so you knew that it can be ok, you can go on and live a happy, fulfilled Jewish lifestyle, it won't harm your kids.

anon, because I tell that story a lot.

momx6

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 11:21 am

amother wrote:

Hi Pita! I grew up Xtian and converted as an adult, just so you know where I'm coming from here.

You have a tough situation, being the only frum family and sending your kids every day into an environment where you're worried other kids are going to tell them they're going to hell etc. That's a pretty vulnerable situation, wanting to raise your kids one way but knowing that the place they spend most of their day in has really different values. There are probably a lot of folks in town praying for your family to "see the light." You maybe wonder if the ones who befriend you have ulterior motives.

That must be so hard.

I'm going to assume you can't move right now, and you can't homeschool right now. So, since your kids are going to this school, how can you make it a positive situation as much as possible?

You have to understand that everything you do reflects on the Jewish People, so you can't be badmouthing Xtians. In fact, you can't be talking negatively, at all. Got it? Vent on Imamother, vent to someone you trust, but in public be regal. Act like the bas Melech (daughter of the King) that you are.

This kindergarten teacher has bent over backwards for you. She sounds wonderful! Santa, in her mind, is not an Xtian thing at all--it's a fun secular thing--so she has no idea why it would bother you. You have to explain, kindly, graciously, but with minimal detail, and you have to keep emphasizing how much you appreciate how wonderful she's been. If you're in damage control mode, which it sounds like you are, okay. Repair the damage as much as possible. And look ahead--are there going to be Easter bunny activities? Talk about it beforehand so no one is caught off guard. Send her a gift basket with a lovely thank-you note. Your kid is in her classroom all day long and you need her to like you.

The people you are interacting with now, as an adult, are not the same people who told you you were going to hell when you were younger. You can't lump every Xtian into one group. You say you have no respect for Protestantism. Fine. It's a man-made religion, and I don't have respect for it either. But, I do have respect for Xtians. They're human beings, created b'tzelem Elokim (in the image of Gd). Some of them are fine, moral people. Some of them are wonderful people (like my family!) Some are not. For every kid who told you you'd burn in hell, how many didn't?

If you raise your kids with clear, honest explanations of why Xtianity is a mistaken religion and why Judaism is correct, and you live a life of true connection to your Creator, and if you spend time with your children and make Jewish life joyful, then I don't think you need to have this strong fear that you have now, where you seem afraid of the power/influence you perceive the Xtians around you might exert on your children. However, I think that as your kids get older, it will be very very very difficult to raise them in an environment where there aren't other observant Jews. They need social outlets. They need mates, eventually. At the very least, can you arrange to go once a month to stay for Shabbos in the nearest frum community?

Hug

I hope things get easier for you!

This is an amazing post! Deserves 1,000 likes!
I like the way you said everything clearly without beating around the bush!

suzyq

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 11:41 am

Just to give you background info for where I'm coming from, I grew up in the Bible Belt going to public school. My family is not frum, but my parents always emphasized our Jewish identity very strongly. I was one of the few Jewish kids in my elementary school and the only Jewish kid in my high school.

I know there are many laws about the separation of church and state, but honestly, it's an incredibly uphill battle and very possibly not worth the effort you are going to put in. My parents fought the administration on that one several times and what ended up happening was that other children made me feel horrible for having a hard time with their religion being represented in school. Legally, yes, you have all the right in the world, but I'm telling you, if you are really in the Bible Belt, religion is so ingrained in the lives of your neighbors, just like it is in you, that they are going to take personal offense at whatever you do in your efforts to keep it out of the schools.

Also, I'm not sure exactly why you are so vehemently against Christianity, but imagine that other responded to your Jewish practices the way you are responding to their religious practices, and that they taught their children to react in similar ways to Jewish holidays the way you are teaching your children to react to Christian holidays - wouldn't you be offended?

It sounds like your daughter's teacher has bent over backwards for you, which is amazing and above and beyond. Appreciate it. Let her know how much you appreciate it. And then, let go of the hatred, it really doesn't do anyone any good. You are living in a Christian world right now - teach your children, by example, to get along with those who surround you. This does not have to be at the expense of your Judaism.

I often tell people that I think I had a stronger Jewish identity growing up than those who grew up in NY and had all Jewish friends. Because 1) I had to work to know what being Jewish meant, and my parents had to work to teach me what it meant. And 2) because it made me special. Let your children see the beauty of being Jewish, and why it is so special. Make them proud of being Jewish and teach them to be able to explain it to their friends who don't know. You have a great opportunity here - don't waste it being angry and hating what surrounds you. Use it as a teaching tool and to strengthen your children's Jewish identities.

Pita

Fri, Dec 20 2013, 11:52 am

I know my hostility is uncalled for. And yes, I would be offended were someone to react similarly. I appreciate all of your suggestions and stories. I read this morning during the Pajama Party and things seemed find. I read about a little Japanese girl who wanted to wear her Kimono to school, and about the Underground Railroad. And I gave a gift card to the teacher (it said thank you, not happy anything). She seemed ok. I hope things are ok.

I am reading all of the replies and taking all of your suggestions. I do think there is a benefit in learning early to be proud of who one is no matter what the setting. I agree it makes kids stronger.

Ruchel

Sat, Dec 21 2013, 4:05 pm

Quote:

I often tell people that I think I had a stronger Jewish identity growing up than those who grew up in NY and had all Jewish friends. Because 1) I had to work to know what being Jewish meant, and my parents had to work to teach me what it meant. And 2) because it made me special. Let your children see the beauty of being Jewish, and why it is so special. Make them proud of being Jewish and teach them to be able to explain it to their friends who don't know. You have a great opportunity here - don't waste it being angry and hating what surrounds you. Use it as a teaching tool and to strengthen your children's Jewish identities.

ITA.

amother

Sat, Dec 21 2013, 5:09 pm

I am really upset with my 5year dds teacher. She goes to a Jewish school which also has non Jewish students. On friday, the last day of school, as we are driving home, my daughter asks me if santa is real. I explain to her that he is a made up person and really parents buy the presents and put them under the tree while the kids are sleeping. She is quiet and then says, But Mrs ________ says that if we are naughty Santa won't come.

My daughter thinks that everything her teachers say is Toras Moshe msinai. Its one thing to hear about santa from her non Jewish (and non frum) friends. (some kids are Jewish but have non Jewish fathers, grandparents etc) but when she hears it from her teacher she thinks it must be true. I am also completely baffled why the teacher did this - she is lovely, very respectful, and has been teaching in this school for many many years and should know very well not to talk about santa.

I am not sure if I should say anything to her teacher since a) I won't see her for another 2 weeks. and b) I don't want to upset her. While we get on very well she does have a tough side.

I guess chanuka being so far apart from xmas this year makes it all much more challanging!

imasinger

Sat, Dec 21 2013, 6:45 pm

amother wrote:

OF COURSE you should say something!! And if she does anything other than apologize and say she will be more careful in the future, you should tell the administration.

In fact, I think you should tell the administration, regardless.

It is completely and totally inappropriate for her to be mentioning Santa like that in a Jewish school.

I teach music in many Jewish schools, from very RW to daycares that have non Jewish students, like what you describe. But none of them would condone such statements at all.

chatouli

Sun, Dec 22 2013, 8:43 am

ElTam wrote:

Start prepping your husband now that your kids are switching to the Jewish school come the fall. If you have a Jewish school option, take it.

I'm inclined to agree but it does depend on the type of school. If OP's kids have been in a Xtian environment and then switch to a Reform school, where girls wear kippot and kashrut is still not observed to OP's standards and there is a school wide Kabbalat Shabbat pajama party at 7 pm on Fridays that everybody drives to, it will be even more confusing because it's a Jewish school. It's easy to say "we don't celebrate the same holidays because we belong to a different religion." It's much harder to switch them to Jewish school where they still can't participate fully.

I know such schools exist. I just don't know what OP's Jewish school alternative is.

Ruchel

Mon, Dec 23 2013, 8:12 am

chatouli wrote:

ElTam wrote:

Start prepping your husband now that your kids are switching to the Jewish school come the fall. If you have a Jewish school option, take it.

I agree. As rabbanim here put it at least public school is neutral Judaism wise...

JollyMommy

Mon, Dec 23 2013, 11:41 am

This is so tough.

I would just chicken out and have the child be "feeling sick" that day. Wouldn't even bother to address it.

I learned school law in depth (part of my degree) they are 100% allowed to have santa, X-mas trees, but not religious symbols like baby-J.

I went to a school that was a bit different than my household (both Jewish but different customs, think of it as Ashkenaz and Sefard though not exactly) and it was just emphasized that we do differently in our home. No anger. Just fact- what your friends do is lovely for them, but we are different and do differently.

Also, I cannot emphasize how important CAMP is- summer camp and if available winter camp can make such an impact.

Also, if there's a counselor type frum girl in your city that can do special things with your daughter like challah baking, parsha talk or something once a week or once a month hire her...like a big sister/little sister type thing.

Good luck! Not easy.