paying a shadchan when the shidduch does not work out

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Paying a shadchan when the shidduch does not work out

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amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 8:00 pm

I know it is customary to pay a shadchan for making a shidduch. I was wondering if the shadchan put in many hours of his time and effort, and the shidduch did not work out at the end, is it okay to give him a gift for his time and efforts? I want to do what's right. Also, I would like to send him a thank you card, and need help composing the wording on the card. Thanks for your help.

mummiedearest

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 8:02 pm

there's nothing wrong with giving a gift. as for the note, how about something like this:

"dear so and so,

I just wanted to thank you for all your hard work on behalf of mr. smith. your efforts are greatly appreciated. may we all share simchas in the near future.

sincerely,
mr. smith's mother"

sky

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 10:07 pm

I think it is very nice and thoughful to give a gift and thank you card.

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 10:08 pm

I did something like that, and it was looked upon as weird by the shadchan.

dr. pepper

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 10:19 pm

I have tried very hard with shiddichim over the years.

I was amazed at one particular mother (of a boy, who has a gazillion names with lots of opportunities to date) who sent me a beautiful note and small gift thanking me for setting up her son.

Granted, they did go out a few times but actually, someone else took over in the end as things unraveled.

My reaction was 1) I would love to be m'shadech with such a family myself! What incredible middos and display of hakaras hatov and 2) I definitely will make a mental note to attempt something like this when my children enter the shidduch age.

I don't even see the question. It's like saying "should I be nice and show gratitude?"

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 10:51 pm

My parents have paid many a shadchan who got a date for my sister. It was not the full shadchanus amount, but it was respectable. My parents live on a very tight budget, but they did this anyway. not flowers and not a box of chocolates. a check.

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 10:56 pm

After my DD got engaged, the shadchan got a generous amount of money.
But a few others, who put in a lot of time and effort, and called me regularly with suggestions, received a small amount of money and a thank you card.
These people work very hard and are not appreciated enough.
They were all very grateful, for any amount, they felt it showed hakaras hatov.
Maybe they don't get it that often, but they were all happy, no one gave it back.

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 11:04 pm

I sent a nice bottle of wine to a shadchan who keeps working hard to find me a match... He was very appreciative.

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 11:07 pm

My parents and I did not give a gift to shadchanim whose ideas didn't bear fruit.

When I got engaged I called each person who set me up previously (I had gone out with around 8 guys before my husband) and I thanked them personally.

oliveoil

Fri, Apr 04 2014, 12:52 am

Most people I know give something just for setting up a date, bc so much work goes into just getting it to that stage. Something like $100. Then "real" shadchannus for an engagement. I guess if it went very far and included a lot of the shadchan's involvement, it would be right to give more.

Bruria

Fri, Apr 04 2014, 7:32 am

Around how much should one pay a shadchan?

Ruchel

Fri, Apr 04 2014, 9:20 am

A shadchan can make you pay never, when it works (wedding, or engagement), a fee to apply and open a file, I've also heard when it reaches serious level like 3rd date.

Normally he tells you before, if not then you should ask beforehand.

As usual, make sure what you do is culturally acceptable, and if it's a personal gift make sure he has use of it.

How much and for what, is 100% cultural. I normally get nothing, if you went to open a file by me etc (serious serious business) then I ask 30 euros upfront to weed out the (very many) unserious/undecided. I gave nothing to my shadchan, ended up giving symbolic 18 euros to his wife gmach out of superstition after someone on Imamother frightened me Sad

he was very upset I wanted to pay and take from his lesham shamaim mitzva. My rav didn't "get it" either. All cultural.

As I always say, invite me to the wedding and I'll be delighted. Send me a text or email and I'll be happy. But don't just ignore me and not tell me you get married.

amother

Fri, Apr 04 2014, 1:45 pm

I got a beautiful thank you card, a home made fruit platter, and a check when a shidduch I invested my heart and soul into did not work out. I was unbelievably touched and think the world of that family. So special!

sr1

Fri, Apr 04 2014, 1:56 pm

my mother is a shadchan and wrote articles in a few magazines about paying shadchunum that give their time and thoughts to u even if the shidduch didnt work out. she thinks not only is it a nice thing to do but it should b something thats required to do. it gives them motivation. so yes definitely give something nobody likes working for free.

Ruchel

Tue, Apr 08 2014, 1:02 pm

Some davka want to work for free for the highest level of mitsva (or for lower pressure compared to professionals).

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