Cruel way to teach table manners?

amother

Fri, Apr 25 2014, 11:16 am

Op here.

Thanks for all the suggestions.

Amother who wrote about the friend in camp- that struck a chord in me- because I also grew up with rushed, even unpleasant mealtimes.
She already sees an OT for other issues, and while she may be low tone in some ways- and has poor posture, she doesn't seem to have major sensory issues.
Either way, no OT can really work with her on this facet, because at 13, they're not going to practice chewing and swallowing. Home is a better lab for this. I see the general consensus is that she needs to be on board.
I like the idea of having it work 2 ways- she can correct me too, but I'm not sure - should we encourage kids to correct parents? I never would comment on my own parents table manners.

seeker

Fri, Apr 25 2014, 11:17 am

Was the intervention suggested by "a" therapist or "her" therapist? OP does not specify. I think it makes a difference. If it was recommended by someone who understands the child and the situation well, then go with it. If it was a friendly suggestion by your friend who happens to be a therapist, or anything like that, then go with your own judgment and keep looking for a different solution if this doesn't feel right. Some good suggestions above. And I agree 100% with those saying that a 13 year old is old enough to be part of the process, not to have a program imposed on her without her involvement.

greenfire

Fri, Apr 25 2014, 11:47 am

chani8 wrote:

Ive just gotta say, FS, that was brilliant!! Make a date yith your child to go to a fancy resyurant and then explain the expected table manners and make a lovely bonding experience out of it. I LOVE that idea!!!

typing one handed with baby on lap - sorry for typos

where did ya get a baby ... I want one LOL

I vote for fancy restaurant as well - sounds like FUN !!!

FranticFrummie

Fri, Apr 25 2014, 12:06 pm

My gut says that this is a sensory issue, but that's because my DD has it too. She always eats with her hands at home, but she will eat like a proper princess in other people's homes. (It's taken lots of gentle reminders, though.) I refuse to talk to her if she talks with food in her mouth, and hand her a napkin if I see her hands heading to her skirt to wipe. She is very picky about flavors and very sensitive to spices, but extremely sensory seeking when it comes to textures. (For example, snacking on raw spaghetti noodles. Ick!)

Once she was secure in knowing that she has permission to engage her senses at home, she devoped the maturity to control those impulses when in other people's company.

In my case, DD has the opposite problem, of being way too ADD to focus on her food. I can't get her to eat more than 2 bites in a row unless she is watching a video or reading a book. The only way she will eat enough to sustain her is if her brain is completely occupied with something else. The process of eating bores her to tears. (We should all have this problem, LOL!)

I still struggle with getting her to stay at the dining table, even at someone else's house, and I do sometimes cave in and excuse her from the table for a few minutes between courses, even when other children are sitting patiently and behaving. She just can't sit still that long, although the times she sits still gets longer as she's getting older. Some parents give me looks when I let her get up, but she does ask permission first, and she really does try to sit as long as she can.

Sensory kids are always a work in process, and you have to accept that they will come along at a slower pace than others. The point is that you have to help them change very, very gradually, and not expect results overnight. Be gentle, and keep consistent. Be patient and kind, or else you can set everything back and create resentment and rebellion.

ElTam

Fri, Apr 25 2014, 1:27 pm

Does she understand why good table manners are important? I would sit down and talk to her about that, and then I would ask HER to come up with ways she can remember to eat properly, either with your help if she wants it, or without. I think punishments having to do with food, whether it is withholding food or whatever, are a very good way to cause real emotional damage to your daughter.