Dh doesn't help ds for bar mitzvah

amother

Sun, May 11 2014, 7:25 pm

Ds is 12 and 6 months, exactly 6 months away from bar mitzvah b'ah. He is a well behaved boy, a bright and kind boy b'ah, but not studious at all, and tends toward being lazy, hard to motivate, stubborn, a little immature, etc. I'm sorry to sound unkind but I want you to have a clear picture. He has a bar mitzvah teacher who comes once a week, but I get the impression that it is not enough. It is very hard to get him to do any review during the week. If I nag enough he will spend 10 minutes maybe.

I have a few questions for anyone who has experience in this area, like how much is a typical number of lessons per week? and how much review is typically necessary? How do you handle motivating your ds?

I don't have any insight into this. I grew up in a single parent home, with no brothers or extended family, etc. Dh is not useful at all. Whereas he is very involved with the shul and community and is frum, he is extremely self centered and has never dedicated any time to the children in this regard. He has no patience whatsoever, and very little ability to prioritize their needs over his own. Again, I am sorry to sound blunt and maybe cruel but this is the reality.

On one hand I am so burnt out in general that I am tempted to just take myself out of the equation, and say whatever happens happens. But on the other had, I know my dh well enough to know that he will never look at himself and say "I messed up by never studying with my son" he would just transfer all the blame to ds. And I know that ds would feel awful, just awful, if he wasn't able to do a wonderful job.

Any advice would be very very appreciated.

November

Sun, May 11 2014, 8:05 pm

Back in the day, my father learned with my brothers for their bar mitzvah. Now before you think all was lovely dovey, let me say that it was very contentious. There was a lot of arguing and pressure and push-back. IMO it's very good that your son has a teacher that is not his father. If the teacher is experienced, ask him how DS is progressing at the current rate. It might be a good idea to have your DS meet with the teacher more frequently at first, if the teacher thinks it's a good idea. You can also ask your son to go through what he's learned so you can hear him- he'll think he's reviewing for you but really the repetition and review is good for him. Also be sure to remind your son how awesome what he is doing really is, and how exciting and lucky it is for Am Yisrael that he is becoming a bar mitzvah. Good luck!

CP123

Mon, May 12 2014, 6:04 am

My father used to give bar mitzvah lessons. He gave lessons to boys with a wide range of abilities, and he varied his involvement based on each boy's needs.

For most of the boys, my father used to make a tape that was a recording of the laining and give it to the boys to listen to during the week between lessons. Ideally, they were supposed to read with it or after listening to it, but even just listening without practicing reading gets stuck in your head (after listening to my father's lessons in our house, I knew the laining by heart too!).

Also, some boys need lessons more than once a week.

Some boys need greater motivation - make a chart of how often he practices, and offer him a reward if he practices at least 'x' times a week - maybe promise him an extra special bar mitzvah present?

I recommend talking to the teacher and brainstorming ways to motivate your son or at least get him more practice time.