not helpful advice

morah

Thu, Jun 12 2014, 5:28 pm

I agree. Whenever that sort of thing comes up, I assume the moving option has already been thought of and dismissed for whatever reason. Kind of like that fat thread from the other day- people know when they're overweight and if they're not losing it, there's a reason, no need to state the obvious.
I do take issue with the word "cannot". With few exceptions, you absolutely CAN move if you really want to. "Can't" means that the other factors at play are more important than than the factors that would make moving a good idea. If its that bad, you can decide you'd rather take your chances with the job market or whatever rather than stay. But again, when a poster comes asking for help, and moving seems like the most obvious solution, assume it has been considered and rejected.

Fox

Thu, Jun 12 2014, 6:50 pm

In theory, I agree with you. However, I find myself constantly frustrated by amother posters who describe serious, life-affecting problems with their communities but then blithely state that they "can't" move as if that closes the discussion.

Certainly, it's ridiculous to cavalierly suggest someone pull up stakes if they're simply venting over a minor aspect of their community that irks them.

But frankly, there are a lot of posts in which people may actually need to hear the equivalent of, "Hey, this is obviously not working for you, and you need to think about a change."

If someone is seriously unhappy in her community and someone suggests moving, I don't think anyone should read that as, "Call the realtor and start packing boxes." Rather, they should read it as, "If this community is really not working for your family for whatever reason, perhaps you should explore other options; get advice; and plan for how you might pursue an alternative."

If someone says, "It's not practical for me to move for the next five years," we can all give suggestions to help that poster tolerate her surroundings for the time being while planning for the future. But someone who says, "I can never move" while simultaneously saying that her life is being ruined by living in community X . . . well, there's not much useful to say to such a poster.

One of the frequent misconceptions about Imamother is that it's all about "validation." No. Sometimes it's about tough love -- or at least firm love.

Let's compare this to a woman who is in an abusive marriage. She may indeed need validation that she's not crazy; that her situation is truly abusive; that her feelings are appropriate. But at some point, she also needs to be prompted to think about solutions. The "solution" may not turn out to be leaving her DH or making any radical changes -- maybe the only practical "solution" for the time being is developing a hobby or finding a way to get out of the house. But she needs to carefully consider all the options and think through the ramifications. Simply throwing up her hands and saying, "I can't" will do nothing to improve her situation, and her online and RL friends will ultimately develop "support fatigue."

Having a dysfunctional relationship with your community is sometimes only slightly less debilitating than having a dysfunctional marriage. It can eat away at you and affect your family negatively in the long run. "Can't move"? Join the club! Between affiliation with particular kehillas; underwater mortgages; aging parents; children settled in schools; jobs that can't be easily replaced . . . there are very, very few of us who just pick up and go.

But if someone is really, truly that unhappy in her community, she needs more than just everyone chiming in that, yes, her community is certainly rotten. She needs a gentle nudge to consider the short-term as well as long-term solutions that might improve things for her.

amother

Thu, Jun 12 2014, 9:08 pm

amother wrote:

It's a personal choice if you're single and don't have other obligations or other people to worry about. When it's not just you, there's a lot more to it.

There's a lot more to it, doesn't negate the fact that it's a choice. My husband and I really want to move and everything about the place lines up except for the fact that one of our children gets certain services, which he qualifies for here (barely) and probably wouldn't elsewhere. We are staying put solely for that reason because that one factor outweighed everything else. Still a choice though. If we really wanted to, we could make it work where we want to live, though it would require more footwork and money. We have decided, at least for the time being, that it's worth it to stay just for that (and we do like our community for the most part). If I were to gripe about it and be told "so move", I would probably say I can't, but that's not entirely true. I can, but it's not worth it at the moment.