I'm a cancer survivor - ask me anything

amother

Tue, Feb 03 2015, 3:26 am

I felt crushing pain in my chest. An unusual symptom.
Thought I was having a heart attack.
No, I'm not a health freak. I took care of myself before & after.
Everything in moderation.
I kept my diagnosis secret from all but the most immediate family.
Being that I had small children plus a newborn this was no easy feat.

chaos

Tue, Feb 03 2015, 6:56 am

Thank you for opening up.

How were you able to keep your diagnosis secret from others?

What words and what acts of chesed that you received were most helpful/meaningful/encouraging for you during that time? Or, if you didn't get what you needed from others, what words/acts of chesed would you have liked to receive?

I'm trying to working on doing a better job with bikur cholim / chesed for someone who is ill (these are mitzvot I struggle with because I never know what to do or say, so that's why I ask).

amother

Tue, Feb 03 2015, 7:18 am

The choice to keep it secret was partly because I despise pity. I'm a coper, I'm a strong person to be an object of pity is hard. The other consideration was shidduchim. My kids were very young but I was still concerned. It was stupid but being that another member of my family got the same cancer several years later & it was public (totally a fluke, it's not hereditary at all) it was just as well.
I did confide in 2 friends. One sent me her teenage daughter to help occasionally & another drove me to treatments for several weeks.
My parents & in laws helped too.
Food was a biggie.
All is a blur now. I have since told a close friend who got cancer in order to give her chizuk.
This friend was inundated with well wishers. While she appreciated all the help & support there was one thing that someone did which really touched her.
A lady in the community sent her a "thinking of you" card with some hand cream & warm wishes. She just left it at the door so as not to disturb.
My friend really appreciated it. She got to a point of not answering calls & opening her door because of the effort it took to just smile & answer sometimes intrusive questions.
Other people want to talk about it & don't want to be avoided.
I guess each person is different.

amother

Tue, Feb 03 2015, 7:27 am

BTW I wasn't that successful in the long run keeping it totally secret because one of the friends I told did tell others.
This coupled with a close relative with the same cancer did infact leak out in shidduchim for my kids many years later . We had to prove the non hereditary component to at least one prospective shidduch.
I found it very upsetting that the person I trusted couldn't do a mitzva for the sake of a mitzva but told others.
I'm sure there are more people who know then I realise.

amother

Tue, Feb 03 2015, 7:55 am

Using a color cause I'm amother here. Just found out that I have breast cancer. I think it's not very advanced but I'm waiting for results tomorrow. I'm really not scared. I believe that I'll be cured and it's just an inconvenience. I absolutely hate the idea of letting people know. I'm afraid of telling my mother. I don't want my siblings calling daily. I don't want to hear everyone's story and advice. I don't want pity. I don't want everyone whispering about me behind my back. I'm past having kids and my kids aren't so little anymore. but I know that I'll need help (I don't drive). I don't think I really have a question. Just wanted to vent.

amother

Tue, Feb 03 2015, 8:57 am

amother wrote:

OP. I actually didn't tell my mom right away. DH siblings aren't local & they don't know till this day. Take your time.
Only tell those whose help you need.
Sending you hugs. It will be good.
There was so much hashgacha during my treatment. Things that seemed terrible turned out to be a brocho in disguise.
I became a deeper individual. I discovered strength I didn't know I had.
I also met some amazing people along the way.
I learnt how to really daaven.

amother

Tue, Feb 03 2015, 12:06 pm

Blue amother, you can join us in the battling cancer forum.
I too had bc. I like your attitude. That's what the nurse told me when I asked her "Am I going to die".
There are some wonderful organizations (in ny - that I know of) that can help you confidentially. Sharsheret is a wonderful organization too for info and support. I was always amazed at how discreet their mailings were. Nothing on the box or envelope to indicate that it's from sharsheret.

I told my parents and inlaws only. No siblings from either side know. It's been a few years already. Personally I did not want to keep it a secret. But that's what we were told by our Rav whom we respect and trust immensely. So we did.
Bh I didn't need chemo so it wasn't that hard and my mom's help was enough.

Op do you ever worry about recurrence? (I don't know what type you had.) Or are you confident enough in today's technology with preventive screening?

amother

Tue, Feb 03 2015, 12:30 pm

I'm a different amother who recently had breast cancer.

I had a totally different attitude. I told everyone starting from my young kids but including family, friends, and community members. I never considered not telling and I'm so happy I did. I had so much love and support from everyone that it made the journey so much easier. I didn't need physical help as I felt well enough to cook and care for my family, but the emotional support really sustained me.

To the amother who is starting the process now, just know that treatment now is so much easier than it was in past yrs. I went through chemo and radiation (and surgery) and I only missed 1 week of work post surgery. The chemo and radiation was totally fine. They give you tons of drugs against the side effects that I honestly never got sick from it.

I'm only posting anon bc so many people will figure out who I am, but if you do want to talk please post here, I will either out myself or make an anonymous email.

amother

Tue, Feb 03 2015, 12:40 pm

amother wrote:

I'm the amother right before you. (In the cancer forum I use my screen name but here I won't out myself.) I totally agree with your attitude in regard to telling everyone. It's exactly what I wanted to do. I really could have used that emotional support.
But I was given such great brachos for a long life and full recovery along with the don't tell anyone, that I didn't want to risk losing the brachos iykwim.
But if you have the option of telling than I definitely would. Unless you know that you're family is extremely nosy and will drive you nuts.

southernbubby

Tue, Feb 03 2015, 1:15 pm

amother wrote:

I was diagnosed with an intermediate grade, stage 1 breast cancer 3 years ago. I was able to forego chemo because I had an oncotype DX test done on the lump, which was about 1.5 cm with an oncotype score of 15 (under 18 is acceptable for foregoing chemo). This oncotype score showed that the cancer was not highly aggressive and that chemo only helps estrogen receptor positive cancers 30% of the time so while I had a 10% future risk of recurrence from the original tumor, chemo would only cut that risk by 3%. The oral medication given cuts risk of future metastasis by about 50%.

Realize that many of these cancers never progress to cause major illness or even pain. They are often slow growing and about 20% are non-aggressive all together. I know you didn't ask for stories but my story is one of reassurance. You may not need chemo.

amother

Tue, Feb 03 2015, 3:13 pm

amother wrote:

I did not have breast cancer.
For the first few years every ache sent me panicking & to the doctor.
After 20 years though I'm no longer paranoid & know that my chances of recurrence are unheard of.
On the look out for leukaemia but not overly concerned about it either .

amother

Tue, Feb 03 2015, 5:15 pm

Thanks for all the replies. I told 2 of my sisters (and husbands) tonight. By chance we went out to dinner and just before dessert the conversation moved to talking about sick people and I said "let me tell you what I have"... I told them it's not major and they better not call me every day. Slowly I will tell people and then the word just gets around (I'm not Chareidi so I'm not worried about Shidduchs for my kids). I don't want to suddenly start to get phone calls from long lost friends. I would love to not let people know but in the end it makes it impossible to talk with anyone about anything.