Would you give maaser to s/o critical of DH?

ora_43

Sun, Jun 14 2015, 9:10 am

amother wrote:

She was married off young without a high school education. Her rov forbids birth control. She is fertile and usually is expecting with a baby already and another young child who gets home early. She didn't pick her husband who is not a provider. She didn't make these choices.

It is only my husband she insults usually although she disagrees with me about things. That's OK.

That is a tough situation. But she still has the power to make decisions for herself now, as an adult.

I'm not saying you should judge her for living the way she does. It sounds like she's doing what she believes is the right thing. But if you're her friend, and if she might listen to your advice, it might be worth encouraging her to take steps to get herself into a more stable position.

5mom

Sun, Jun 14 2015, 9:30 am

amother wrote:

Where is her rov in all of this? What about the people who married her off? Do they know what's going on here?
Again, I think that the money problems are a symptom of larger issues that must be addressed as part of a comprehensive plan.
Your involvement may be enabling some negative behaviors rather than helping. Please invite in some professional help. This family needs more than a lay person can give.
I have a feeling that dh might be more willing to give more generously if he could see that there is a plan, however modest, for getting this family back on track.

CPenzias

Sun, Jun 14 2015, 10:19 am

I'm sori. I really don't understand how people can't make their own choices. She can't ask her obgyn for a prescription for birth control? Her husband can't hold down a job. ..stop making babies for the time being. This seems ridiculous.

notshanarishona

Sun, Jun 14 2015, 10:57 am

amother wrote:

Seriously... Unless she is mentally incompetent, she needs to stop acting like a little kid.
Having a child is a choice, as a friend, giving money is enabling. The correct thing to do is find her a rav/ therapist who understands that she is living off tzedekah and not managing.

There is no such a thing as a husband is not a provider . His job is to find a job / any job, to feed his kids. He might not be capable of making 10000 a year but everyone can work.

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Jun 14 2015, 4:07 pm

5mom wrote:

This family can't get back on track because there never was a fiscally responsible track they were on. His parents were supporting them until they lost their money. He never learned to work and can't keep a job. The jobs he gets barely pay anyway. He has no skills and is in la la land.

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Jun 14 2015, 4:14 pm

OP here: it is not for me to tell her to go on BC, nor is it for me to fix her family. It is not my place to tell her not to listen to get rabbi. I only want to ease her distress a little by giving her some freedom and choice.

DH doesn't mind helping except when she criticizes him. Then he gets fed up with the whole situation. Perhaps she is jealous. That just occurred to me.

PinkFridge

Sun, Jun 14 2015, 7:11 pm

amother wrote:

Maybe she is. But you will not be able to help her heal. She'll have to that help from outside your relationship.
I think it would be good to continue to help in some way, but make it very clearly delineated, and not major.

justcallmeima

Sun, Jun 14 2015, 7:58 pm

I don't understand why you have to tell dh every negative thing she says about him. Obviously she is hurting because of her situation. You seem to be willing to give more, but clearly told her you wish you could give more, but dh doesn't allow you to do that. So she grumbled about it. Why did you have to tell him she grumbled? How was that helpful to you, dh or the woman?

Jeanette

Sun, Jun 14 2015, 10:12 pm

I would be a little perturbed if a person I was trying to help had complaints that I wasn't helping even more. I understand that desperate people do desperate things. But if you want to help her anyway, I think the best bet is to do it in a way that you don't need to discuss it with your husband. Not because you're going behind his back but because both of you already agreed that you're each free to spend $x without having to give an accounting.

One option is to give from your discretionary funds. You each control a certain amount of money which you are free to spend as you wish without having to discuss or ask each other permission.

another option is to decide with your husband how much tzedakah you want to give, then divide the money evenly. He gives to whomever he chooses and you give to whomever you choose.

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Jun 14 2015, 10:49 pm

justcallmeima wrote:

She asked for considerably more money several times. I told her I must speak to DH. When she didn't get what she wanted, she grumbled about DH not about the fact he didn't give her want she wanted. DH asked me her response. I wasn't going to lie to him. I also was upset about her comments about him. That is not a normal thing to criticize someone else's spouse.

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Jun 14 2015, 11:00 pm

Jeanette wrote:

This is what brought out the problem. We have both been pretty free to spend what we like without any conversation. I need to get a handle on what we are spending before we can allocate any money anywhere although I don't think there is a need for secret spending.

I spoke to him about what I gave her this month and he was OK with it. I didn't tell him yet that I give her the same amount of cash every month. I would be hurt if DH gave to someone who criticized me.

5mom

Sun, Jun 14 2015, 11:26 pm

amother wrote:

And she's going to keep asking for more, and she's going to keep insulting your husband. When she asks for more than you can give, she will start insulting you. Because, as you know, she's not OK. If you want to go on this way, just be prepared for the demands to escalate. She's figured out that you are kind and generous and she is using your goodness to perpetuate this unhealthy cycle. After all, you're her cash cow, and you feel guilty about your good fortune.
Please find a less direct way to help her. Personal involvement with someone like her can become problematic.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jun 15 2015, 6:01 am

5mom wrote:

OP here: she is not cra cra. She is actually a lovely person who because of circumstances has a tough life. Perhaps I wasn't clear that I like her very much except for her insults of DH. Her life is not easy. I would be her friend in other circumstances also (except for her insults of DH).

5mom

Mon, Jun 15 2015, 6:14 am

amother wrote:

And if you weren't in this symbiotic relationship, you really could be friends.
Report back in a year. I am interested in knowing how this turns out.