Is something wrong with me?

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Dec 03 2015, 7:56 pm

I love Pity. I cant stand this part of myself. I just don't understand why I run after pity or people feeling bad for me. Deep down inside I want to stop this pity attention seeking and start living for myself. Any advice?????? anyone has the same feelings? is something wrong with me? Sad

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Dec 03 2015, 8:01 pm

I so know what your talking about. when I recognize it. I realize that I do it because I feel helpless about a situation and I just want someone to have pity and solve it for me. cause its easier to feel like self pity then to work hard. working hard takes telling yourself that you arent different then anyone and everyone has the same issues. its hard for everyone. life is about earning our way into it. I get into the habit too. I think alot of us do. I dont know why you are doing it. but you will if it gives you results. albeit not good ones or healthy ones but results nevertheless.
does this make any sense at all?
please dont take this personal this is what I feel about self pity and myself and I could be totally wrong.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Dec 03 2015, 8:18 pm

Op, I'm going to use an imamother cliche - "I could've written ur post"
I too in recent years have begun realizing more and more that I do this as I took a painfully honest look inwards.
I also am trying so hard to fight this natural inclination to be weak, to look to others for protection, for sympathy.I hate it.
Do u do it a lot in ur marriage? That is where it bothers me most. I find myself being all weak and painting myself the victim always with dh. It really does not benefit our relationship. I wish I could change. What I envy most in other women is happy, strong independence.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Dec 03 2015, 10:21 pm

I am like this too. I agree with previous poster that some people are born with it. I have been this way as long as I can remember.
Was always making myself a helpless victim.

Unfortunately, I see the same pattern in some of my kids. Being on the other side makes me see how terribly annoying it is to hear people make themselves sound nebach. My dd talks as if everything in her life is so terrible and it's not fair... All said in a negative, pessimistic tone.

I am trying to change myself but it's a lot of work because it's so ingrained in me.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Dec 03 2015, 10:30 pm

This is just a habit and can be broken in about four days of hard work. Simply catch yourself and stop. It will be very painful. Force yourself to mentally say positive Pollyanna-ish sounding positive things. This will feel stupid and dangerous.

After four days of doing this every twenty minutes, you will be all right. The pain will go away and you will never do it again. Never let yourself fall back into it.

If you do this, your dd who picked the habit up from you will copy this positivism, too. As you constantly think and then say positive things, she will also. In time. Meanwhile just ignore anything negative she says. What gets no response will not be useful to her.

Things like, "oh well, we can handle that. It's not so bad. It's a beautiful day. I love a gray day, the colors are so softened. It's only a little rain. We can do without that. It's not a problem. I don't really need it. You look so nice. Oh this is so comfortable. This is so pretty. Thank you, it's delicious. Yes, I really like that. I feel fine, thank you. It wasn't hard, I managed. No I'm fine. Isn't it fun how... Isn't it interesting how... yes we had a great time. I'm sure you will enjoy it. I'm sure you will figure it out. I'm so excited for you. It's so great so and so has ..... I hope it will be lovely. I'm sure it will be lovely. She can handle it. It's not so hard. Well in time she will get better. Maybe someone else can use it."

That kind of thing.

amother

Lawngreen

Fri, Dec 04 2015, 12:36 am

I don't think that would work. I don't know about the others on this thread, but I've spent my whole life up until this moment focusing on the negative things. I spent many long hours discussing my controlling father with various teachers when I was in school, and I remember living for their attention. I'd sit in class, day after day, and think about what I could ask the teacher that was teaching at that moment that would make her realize that I was going through a hard time and give me some attention.

I lied and invented horrific tales of abuse to get attention when I was in sixth and seventh grade.

its a pattern that's continued into adulthood, and it has caused me much pain. I hate it, but I can't help it.

Dolly Welsh

Fri, Dec 04 2015, 1:47 am

Ah. There are some mothers who only pay attention to a kid when the kid is sick. Or who only relate well to the "crisis solver" role. So when little, you learned that was the key to getting some normal nurturing. Those were the rules, there. That was the recognized currency. This may need therapy to unravel.

Some people decide, fine, that bus isn't coming, and make a conscious effort to nurture themselves. This can involve lots of thinking and devising concrete ways to spoil one's self.

I would stop the hate. If you are hurt, you don't need to be hated. That will immediately turn down the noise. If nobody hates you (including you) you won't be a person in need of rescuing.

I know this is complicated. I am no shrink or medic. Maybe you need help with this.

You sound smart. That's a good thing right there.

amother

Coffee

Fri, Dec 04 2015, 1:56 am

I can totally relate...

I do not think that its "in-born" rather something left over from our upbringing.
For example, the poster that got the warmth and positive attention when she complained about her father. She probably couldnt have gotten that amount of love and support and closeness to the teacher without it...
so it was a very successful technique for a young teen, and her brain made a mental note that pity can bring closeness.

I had a great carefree childhood, but wasnt paid much attention to. In a difficult marriage now, and I got so much attention about it at one point (from rabanim, therapists, friends). Now that things are improving, it scares me, like if things get better then I wont have that support system, and feeling of being seen and understood....

Can we try to find positive attention and connection and help our mind rewire and seek out that type of relationship with others?

Any idea how?

seeker

Fri, Dec 04 2015, 2:04 am

Maybe some very deep, old part of you is missing empathetic validation and still looking for it in the wrong places. Is there a part of you in childhood that was hurt and never got the soothing it needed? Was your pain ever pushed aside, either because someone thought it was unjustified or because someone else's pain was more "important?"

Maybe instead of fighting it, you need to find this hurting place and give it what it needs. Then go back towards the present and give yourself the validation and sympathy that you've been looking for all along. If you've had pain and struggles, they are real. Sometimes we don't want to know that because it hurts. You get pity from others but it doesn't reach into that deep part of you that needs it. Only you can reach that deep, to accept yourself and give yourself permission to feel pain and need sympathy.

FASMA

Fri, Dec 04 2015, 4:29 pm

I am not like that but I find myself sometimes doing it with my husband. I complain about my haaard day (even though it wasnt as bad) and haaard stuff and Ive come to the realization that this is because I want his validation and his understanding, I want him to ask me how my day was and his sympathy.
Maybe thats what you are looking for? Maybe you dont feel validated enough?
It is definitely something you can change with hard, hard work, stopping yourself every time you start, and you will get used to it.
Also, when you start your pity party think of the good things that happened to you