Four Children - How do you do it?

amother

Brown

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 1:43 pm

I recently had my 4th bh and there is an 18 month difference between him and the next, my older ones are 5 and 7.
Question for all you "together" mommies---
How do you do it?
Even with full-time help during the day and my husband home at night, I find myself in these situations where everyone needs only me at the same time.
Specifically, how do you establish a set schedule for bathing and dinner and homework after school.
Any advice is helpful!

saw50st8

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 3:06 pm

I'm not all "together" and I don't have help, but here is how I structure the evenings:

Walk in the door at 5:30, heat up dinner while kids put away coats/shoes/bags. Have them sit at the table while I am getting everything ready.

Serve dinner. Talk to them while dinner is going on.

6 pm - older kids do homework while I bathe the younger two and get them ready for bed
6:30 - older kids shower and get ready for bed while I read to the younger kids, sing and snuggle.
7 pm - read stories with the older kids, talk to them about their day and put them to bed
7:30 pm everyone is in bed*

(this is how we normally run - sometimes they have a little more homework or they need help which needs to wait until the little kids are in bed and then their bedtime shifts later)

They might all want you at the same time, but they don't need you.

the world's best mom

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 3:47 pm

I am all together I think- my nose hasn't fallen off yet, has it?

Our schedule? Forget about it.

Homework- One night recently, I studied for a Chumash test with dd while nursing the baby and holding a screaming three year old and the other two kids kept fighting with each each other. Wait, maybe that's because I have 5 kids, not 4. But I think it's more because there's a new baby in the picture. Things tend to be crazy with a baby around, but they settle down eventually (I hope). Two nights ago, both of my girls had tests to study for and the baby wouldn't stop crying from 5-8, so I sent the girls to my parents house to study there.

Bathing- when the baby is crying, it's time for the older kids to shower without help. When the baby quiets down (IF he quiets down ever), then the others get a bath. Sometimes my oldest (10 years old) bathes my 3 year old- she offered. How old is your oldest? Does he/she like to help? My 10 year old begs to hold the baby, even when he is crying (which happens quite often).

Bedtime- I tell the older ones to go into bed. Then I have to choose to sit on my 3 year old's bed with him so he can go to sleep, or stand so the baby might stop crying for a couple of seconds- but then my 3 year old cries. Sigh. Can't please everyone.

Honestly, we have our better nights and our worse nights, but it ain't easy for anyone to have a bunch of tiny people depending on you for every little thing. B"H, they grow up and things get easier.

cip

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 9:45 pm

Hey. Here's some of my tips:
*Things won't always run on a train schedule with kids. They need flexibility.
*remember a newborn takes up lots of time. Its gets a little easier after the first three months.
* kvetchy kids usually are hungry, tired, or both.
*Think of your hardest part of the day(morning,bath hour...) and see what solution might help(maybe push bath time a bit for when husband comes home or video for toddler during homework time...)
*music helps the mood. So does dancing.
*phones and computers can wait till after kids sleep ( for mom;))

Gerbera

Wed, Dec 02 2015, 10:37 pm

It's challenging to have everything completely together!

I have six kids under 7 ka"H and work 20 hours a week. Key thing for me is organization.

As one person mentioned-feed the kids early. Dinner is 4:45 here followed by the youngest ones bathing while I do homework with the older ones. Older ones bathe while I read a bedtime story to each of the little ones. Bedtime starts at 6 and last one is in bed at 8.

If your kids aren't bathed every day it's ok!

What is most challenging for you?

cinnamon

Thu, Dec 03 2015, 3:19 am

Hugs to you op!
Life was a blur when my fourth was born. I have no idea how we survived. I do know supper was sandwiches or cereal and milk very often, for a while dh kept buying more socks for everyone cause I didn't get around to washing any and forget about bathing every day.
Funny thing is I had such an easy time with three I wasn't even worried about having a fourth. It was a real blow.

Now my baby is three and things are a little more normal. We have a sort of schedule that works for us. Clean clothes (not always folded) mostly cooked suppers.
Things aren't easy but kind of settled. Not ready to have a fifth though...

Looks like my only advice is to buy lots of socks...

rowo

Thu, Dec 03 2015, 5:15 am

Just had my 4th ka'h,
Thanks so much for this discussion! Making me feel normal Smile

I'm still getting meals, don't know how I'm going to cope once I need to start worrying about making dinner and shopping for it etc.
Taking care of the baby is pretty much full time atm, don't have patience or head space for the others. I know I'll have to return to normal life eventually, just don't know how it will work.

My house is pretty upside down as well, laundry, baby stuff, school bags etc etc everywhere....

saw50st8

Thu, Dec 03 2015, 6:32 am

cinnamon wrote:

I think 3-4 is a much harder transition, especially with young children.

gold21

Thu, Dec 03 2015, 1:58 pm

does it have anything to do with the fact that this baby is your fourth? possibly; possibly not.

it is always hectic and overwhelming when theres a newborn at home, regardless of the number- and its like that for the first 4-6 months with a new baby, in my experience.

you also have an 18 month old child KA"H, so you have them close in age. its hard to balance the needs of an 18 month old with the needs of a newborn.

your older ones are still young, and probably not yet capable of being that helpful to you.

im just pointing out that its not so much the number. people always say "what was your transition like from this # child to that # child" and I always think- everyone's family situation is individual!

ok, anyways.... im wondering if you could find a high school girl near you, either to volunteer (like through a chesed program), or for pay, to help you in the evenings, maybe for 2 hours a night twice a week? at the end of the day, no matter how organized you are, another set of capable hands is what would help you the most. I think, for the next few months, take whatever paid or unpaid help you can get.

good luck Tongue Out

observer

Thu, Dec 03 2015, 2:19 pm

Gerbera wrote:

Who bathes the younger ones while you do homework with the older ones?

amother

Crimson

Thu, Dec 03 2015, 8:40 pm

First of all give yourself a break, you just had the baby.
Soon enough everything will settle into routine.

1. You must have cleaning help.
2. You must have cleaning help.
3. You must have cleaning help.

My first 3 kids were 13 months apart. Then my 4th came 3 years after that.
My 3 kids were in school when the baby was born (21 years ago). I had cleaning help 3x a week for 8 hrs each day, but she did everything including all the laundry, and helped prep veggies in the kitchen. I worked during this time, though.

Does your 18 month go to a play group?
Does he/she know how to play alone?
Does he/she demand a lot of your attention?
Does he/she take naps? Go to bed when told?

Bathe newborn and 18 month later in the evening after 5 and 7 yr old are asleep.

Try to have dinner ready to serve when 5 and 7 yr old gets home.
If they are hungry later they can eat a snack.

Dinners need to be really easy. Use your crockpot. Make one dish casseroles. My families favorite chicken and rice. Noodles (takes the least amount of time to cook from all the pastas) with cheeses and omelets and carrot sticks was every Thursday night. Breakfast for dinner was another favorite peanut butter sandwiches with slices of banana, yogurt, rice cake with cream cheese, and cereal and milk. Slices of tomato and cucumber for the veggie.
If you want to make something that takes a little more time like meatloaf or lasagna, make an extra 3 or 4 to put in the freezer.
Meatloaf, mash potatoes (also can be made and frozen), frozen veggie roasted in the oven. Lasagna and a salad.

USE DISPOSABLE EVERYTHING

Dinner
HW
Bath time for 5 and 7 yr old
Dinner for you and DH
DH puts 5 and 7 yr old to sleep (holds baby)
Bath time for 18 month
DH puts 18 month to sleep
Bath time for baby

The house will be upside down by this time. This is why YOU MUST GET CLEANING HELP.

amother

Red

Thu, Dec 03 2015, 11:43 pm

I have 4 kah and can totally relate to the struggle. I have 8,7,5 and 1. So three overtired little children come home to one part time working mother with a very challenging adorable baby who is either wrecking the house or screams ( was a colic baby and that was pure insanity!)
I come home from work at 3:00, with the younger two. Place a snack out for 5 year old and nurse baby while she does homework.
All supper has to be prepared before any children come home otherwise it will never happen. I do no housework between 3-8 aside for putting some things I their places. Children become needy, cranky and fight when they feel neglected.
When my older two arrive home I serve everyone supper . Baby too. We sit at table and they go around table and each say things about their day so everyone shares and forgets what they're eating . I only make suppers I know they'll eat. I have no time or patience to cajole them to finish their food .
While baby is still in high chair ( and I'll give him a cracker or you to entertain ) I do homework. You can try this with your 18 month old. It may seem cruel but I find that I need baby restrained otherwise I can't focus on homework. When he starts to scream I suspend homework and bathe, nurse and get him to bed and everyone can play/ read until he's asleep. Yes it gets a bit later than id like but That's the only way I do it. ( my kids are all in bed by 8 though)
While I do one child's homework the other s can go play in playroom or color at kitchen table. Many times I'll put on a story tape in another room...
When e/o is done hmwk we go upstairs and I bathe one at a time and then give each a book to read while I go from youngest to oldest to say shema and schmooze a few mins then lights out for all.

I used to try to give each a separate bed time but that didn't work. I was jumping all over the place between this ones bath that ones bed and the others work. I find it much easier to just do each step with all three together.
As I mentioned before I ignore the mess and don't clean up until they're all asleep.
Sometimes I will ask an older one to listen to a younger one read/ do kriyah if I need to.

I know it sounds ideal and trust me sometimes we sound like a three ring circus and all I want to do is hide in the bathroom!
It's a lot of juggling and takes some letting go and flexibility .
The most important part is that each child feels like he/ she was listened to, cared about and tucked in with a kiss!

lfab

Fri, Dec 04 2015, 12:43 pm

amother wrote:

1. You must have cleaning help.
2. You must have cleaning help.
3. You must have cleaning help.

Sorry, I don't think cleaning help is a must. It would be very helpful, very nice to have, but not a must. Not everyone can afford cleaning help. I have 4 children (ranging from 15 months to almost 7 so when baby was born oldest was only 5 1/2) and have no outside cleaning help (but my husband does do a lot to help). My husband is not home in the evenings-he gets home about 6:45 so I do the homework, supper, bath time routine on my own. No I am not super woman, and no my house is far from perfect. Yes, things are often chaotic and hectic but we manage.
OP, if DH is around in the evenings there is no reason that everyone should need you at the same time. Let DH hold baby or entertain toddler while you bathe older ones. Let him help older ones with homework while you feed the baby, etc. Try to get on a schedule where things are staggered so you won't be needed by everyone at the same time. If the older children insist they need you to help firmly tell them you are not available they need to ask abba/daddy. Then leave the room. The beginning will be hard but eventually they will learn not to only turn to you for help.
It sounds from your post like you already have a lot of outside help (you stated that you have full time help during the day). I think you just need to give it some time to settle into a routine. I always found the first few months post birth the hardest. After 3 months or so things settle into a new routine and it gets easier. At least that's been my experience.
Mazal Tov on the new baby.

happymummy

Sun, Dec 06 2015, 1:25 am

I have 4 BH and some days are easy some are not. I take time to enjoy my kids, read stories, play games. Makes it easier for me because it keeps things positive and it gives them positive attention so there's less attention grabbing behaviour. Also I get my kids in pyjamas before supper. It makes bedtime smooth and not in a rush (and I think it's worth the extra laundry). I also give my bigger ones small jobs around the house. Doesn't help very much with the house work but it a) keeps them busy for a few mins b) teaches responsibility c) they are getting better at said jobs! Mazal tov on your new baby. It gets easier