Does sorry really help?

amother

Blue

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 4:48 pm

I lost it at my dc today. He pushes the limits,doesn't listen to a thing I say. So I yelled (really yelled) over something so stupid and petty.

He ended up so sad with me and I feel so guilty. He didn't even say goodnight. I feel horrible about it.

Obviously I'm planning on apologising. How am I different from those abusive people who abuse and then make grand apologies till the next time.

How am I different.

Please don't bash. I'm doing that for all of us

proudma

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 5:18 pm

Hugs to you. Sad

All will be good. Yes - sorry will help. He will feel the regret even though the words may not have much meaning (if he is young). If he is older, he will feel validated and respected.

Please don't be hard on yourself. You are not abusive. The fact that you feel bad shows that.

Good luck.

chicco

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 5:35 pm

The thing that make you different is trying really hard to make sure that doesn't happen again. Explain how you were pushed to the limit and not that that's an excuse, but you feel terrible that it happened and will work really hard to not let it happen again. I think it's really important to apologize to your kids when you mess up. And I think it's ok to be human every now and again too.

Good luck.

mummiedearest

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 5:38 pm

chicco wrote:

it does make a difference, but don't explain why it happened. that doesn't matter. explaining that you were pushed to the limit puts the blame on the kid. have a separate discussion about his own behavior. do not link it to your misbehavior. the blame is completely yours, regardless of your triggers. own up to it. apologize, tell him it was inappropriate of you, and explain that you are working on coming up with a way to prevent yourself from doing that again. and do come up with a system.

amazingmommy

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 5:57 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

This

imasinger

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 6:21 pm

I think it can be helpful to explain why when the explanation is not blaming the victim.

"I'm sorry I yelled so hard. My head was hurting all day, and I couldn't think clearly. I'll try to do better next time." might be helpful, while, "I'm sorry I yelled at you; it was just that you were being SO obnoxious" is not.

This, BTW, is one of the differences between a parent who loses it once in a while, and an abuser. Abusers are very quick to blame others for their lapses.

A second difference is what happens the rest of the time. Do you give your child meaningful praise, and daily undistracted attention, so that he has more attention for pleasing you than for causing trouble? Do you laugh together? Do you give him choices when possible?

But most of all, do you tell him regularly about all the wonderful ways you see him working hard and pleasing people?

If so, then you really can relax. He will forgive you, and probably apologize as well.

mummiedearest

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 9:34 pm

imasinger wrote:

actually, some abusers explain away their actions, not necessarily blaming anyone else. as long as the blame is not on them (the headache was to blame, the traffic, the boss, the computer crashed and aggravated me, I had to wait at the doctor's office for hours, the neighbor was playing rap music all day, etc...), they can apologize. that's not a full apology. best apology includes taking full responsibility for your actions, outlining what was wrong with your behavior, informing the kid that you plan to do better, and if possible, outline that plan. emphasize that you love that child very much. it's actually pretty short. "I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday. Mommies should not scream at their kids like that. I love you very much, and I don't want to scream at you anymore. from now on, I'm going to try to count to ten when I get upset so I don't scream."

Seas

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 9:39 pm

amother wrote:

1. If he's really that obnoxious 'losing it' once in a while isn't such a crime. It makes a point.

2. Do you feel guilty b/c he ended up sad or b/c you lost your temper? If the former, don't. You can feel bad for him but not guilty, as he brought it upon himself. If the latter, that is something you need to work on.

3. Only apologise (IMHO) if the answer to point 2 was the latter. Otherwise you can emphasise and sympathise with him for his behaviour which brought him sadness, but no need to apologise.

4. Even if you were abusive, a single incident of 'losing it' doesn't render someone 'abusive' (applies to domestic as well, BTW). It's repetition that does that.

5. If it keeps happening, learn to identify the triggers and work on diffusing the situation before it escalates (also applies to spousal fights).

6. All the above is my opinion. Feel free to disregard etc.

gold21

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 10:42 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

um. the kid is to blame as well for pushing his mom's limits. moms are humans. I see nothing wrong with saying "I feel really bad that I lost it today. you were really not listening to me and mommy got really stressed out and then I finally ended up screaming at you. I feel bad that I screamed at you, I shouldnt have done it. its really hard for mommy when you dont listen." yes, there totally IS a link between the kids behavior and the moms reaction, and im not sure why the mom should feel the need to gloss over that.

"the blame is completely yours"... why is this a blame game? moms are humans, and some of the most successful moms out there have had their low moments. theres no blame here. ill bet the OP is an awesome mom and is doing a fantastic job with her kids. nobody gets through their parenting career without a few road bumps along the way. accept what happened, dont dwell on it, move forward feeling confident that youre a great mom, and yep you are human like every other mom. yes, you should address what happened with your child.

you can apologize, but no, I dont think you should be sharing with your child the ways you plan to work on yourself for the future , I.e. "in the future I will count to 10 when im feeling angry at you." thats your business. you dont have to grovel and beat yourself up.

Last edited by gold21 on Tue, Dec 22 2015, 11:01 pm; edited 1 time in total

gold21

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 10:59 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

im not sure why the term "abuser" is being referenced here. she yelled at her kid- ONE time. not abusive. simply a facet of being human.

gold21

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 11:03 pm

chicco wrote:

no, the thing that makes her different is that shes not abusive. end of.
she came on imamother feeling really upset because she yelled at her kid ONE time. very far from abusive. in fact, shes probably a really fantastic mom.

amazingmommy

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 11:44 pm

Seas wrote:

3. Only apologise (IMHO) if the answer to point 2 was the latter. Otherwise you can emphasise and sympathise with him for his behaviour which brought him sadness, but no need to apologise.

4. Even if you were abusive, a single incident of 'losing it' doesn't render someone 'abusive' (applies to domestic as well, BTW). It's repetition that does that.

.

If abuse is there even 1% of the time it is abuse. I.e.: if I don't want my children to live in the fear of the abuse, I would need to apologize every. Time. Something like that happens. If my children know that mommy lost it, but she will come around and apologize, the fear is not there.

gold21

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 11:58 pm

amazingmommy wrote:

But this is not an incident of abuse. So why are we discussing that.

amother

Blue

Wed, Dec 23 2015, 2:10 am

Thank you everyone for your input.
It helped a lot and dc is all smiles and hugs today

mummiedearest

Sun, Dec 27 2015, 10:04 am

gold21 wrote:

ok, the point is not to gloss over the kid's behavior. the point is to separate that from the mom's reaction. the mom feels she overreacted/mistreated her kid. if she did mistreat her kid, she misbehaved herself. taking full responsibility models good behavior and proper apologies for the child. including the child's bad behavior in the apology involves excusing yourself for bad behavior because it really is the child's fault. as adults, we have to take full responsibility for our own actions, regardless of our children's bad behavior. of course there is a link between others' behavior and ours, but we can't use that link as an excuse.

as for the blame, it's not a blame game. and that is why we can't blame our kids. we can address our kids' bad behavior separately, we can even address how their behavior might make us feel, but we shouldn't lay such pressure on the kids that they feel responsible for our (very human but not the most mature/healthy) loss of control. that is a very scary idea to a child, and mixing the cause and effect in our apologies can become a dangerous habit that eventually can be seen by the child as emotional abuse. no, I would not consider a single incident to be a pattern, but it's good to establish healthy patterns for apologizing before we have to get rid of unhealthy patterns. op is concerned about the difference between a mom who loses it upon occasion and an abusive one. that is why I reference abusers, not because the mom is one.

as for sharing how you will be working on yourself, I think it's very healthy for children to see that parents have behavioral struggles as well, and it's great for them to see what kind of simple trick you are using to maintain control. this is very relevant to kids, and telling them that you are working on it lets them know that you care enough about them to try to be the best mom you can. telling them that you're going to try to count to ten next time lets them know that counting to ten before reacting, which is something they are capable of, is a good thing to do when you're getting frustrated. it also lets them know that if they see you counting to ten the next time, they can assume that you are getting frustrated. that gives them the opportunity to stop what they're doing and see if what they are doing is affecting you negatively. it gives them awareness of other people's feelings in relation to what they are doing. this has absolutely nothing to do with groveling or beating yourself up. groveling and beating yourself up would include apologizing repeatedly for a month, making their favorite breakfasts/suppers, buying them that toy you can't afford that you have repeatedly said no to, relieving them of all chores for the foreseeable future, letting them stay up past their bedtime until you know they've forgiven you, etc. letting them know that you will work on yourself is not that.

Ruchel

Mon, Dec 28 2015, 12:21 pm

It shows you care, it models apologizing