I slapped my best friends son

yiddishekup

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 12:32 am

user2 wrote:

The mother was there and heard OP's threat. By not stopping her child-or telling op something if there are any issues- she was sort of allowing op to carry out her threat. (or she should have at least said something like "don't touch my child)

And I think it's the greatest offense here! Allowing someone else to hit your child? OP asked her question and she got the right answers. She regrets her actions but I don't get a good vibe from the other mom, which probably explains the kids behavior in the first place.

SRB

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 1:31 am

I find this situation disturbing - all parties have inappropriate behavior in my opinion... The mother for not disciplining her son. This is probably her parental norm and why the kid is spitting. You OP, were way out of line for slapping someone else's child. You should have addressed the issue with the mother not child or left the scene. Do you slap your own children? If yes, this is also not ok.

heidi

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 1:56 am

I am not in any way defending OP, I think it is wrong to slap any child, and especially someone else's. BUT
I just had the "privilege" of spending two shabbatot with some family members for various family smachot.
In all my (many) years of parenting I have never seen such neglectful parents.
This is a couple with four children under the age of 6. They were busy getting themselves food and then eating peacefully while : the six year old was taking tea from a big water urn, the 5 year old was walking around the table taking a bite from each challah roll, the two year old was sticking her fingers in the buffet food and the baby was crawling on the filthy gymnasium floor with 40 people walking around and over her to get food.
During the speeches the mother sat and listened with a beatific smile on her face while her 5 year old talked (screamed) during the whole speech. I finally told her to take her kid out.
At one point the two year old was hanging out an open window with no screen. My husband jumped up to get her and I said, "Leave her, she has parents right there." DH told his sister and she took care of it.
Now, I am not saying that is like smacking a kid, but at that point I was so fed up with the parent's disgusting, neglectful approach to parenting. . .

chani8

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 2:49 am

Lesson for life, OP. Never be a woman of your word when you threaten to punish. You *can* change your mind and do the right thing instead.

Children rarely need punishing. Instead, direct them to do what you want them to do. For example: "Instead of spitting, let's go play!"

Likely he was spitting because he wanted your attention, or his mother's attention. That's all.

When you want attention, when you act like a btch, how would you like it if you got slapped? Usually when we are bad it's because we're miserable and need a hug, or chocolate. Same with kids.

notshanarishona

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 3:14 am

heidi wrote:

This is her best friend, not some stranger , distant relative.
If you are best friends with someone you need to be able to communicate with them and if their parenting is that neglectful not regularly spend time with their kids.

Brownies

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 5:03 am

heidi wrote:

I think this is way worse than smacking a child. I thank G-d I was raised by parents who occasionally slapped me but loved me and actually cared for me and not parents like these!

chani8

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 5:30 am

Brownies wrote:

I think this is way worse than smacking a child. I thank G-d I was raised by parents who occasionally slapped me but loved me and actually cared for me and not parents like these!

Why assume they dont love their kids. Their parenting style is based on their personalities, which is *very* laid back. That doesn't mean they are neglectful or dont love their kids. They seem to lack a sense of safety though with the hanging out the window thing.

Brownies

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 5:42 am

chani8 wrote:

I'm sure they do love their kids in their own way. My point was more that my parents smacked me but I knew and know they loved me. And sorry but there is no excuse, no matter how laid back you are, to allow your kids to behave like this in public. It indicates extreme selfishness with regards to all the other guests and speakers at the event and neglect to the point of negligence of your own children.

chani8

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 6:12 am

Brownies wrote:

There are a lot of reasons people are like that, which have nothing to do with selfishness and neglect.

I'm glad you were able to feel loved despite being smacked. My kids survived my bad parenting, relationship intact, as well. B"H for miracles.

None of us are perfect, especially at parenting.

What Heidi and her husband did was perfect. They encouraged the parents to do what was appropriate in that situation, but they only got involved when it was absolutely necessary, overlooking that which wasn't life threatening or deafening.

Brownies

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 6:27 am

chani8 wrote:

I agree that Heidi did the right thing. I wouldn't have got involved either -especially with someone I would not be seeing frequently. I just have a problem with people who jump on and judge any parent who smacks their child but manage to find any excuse going for people who are less than ideal parents in any other way. Smacking is not the worst thing you can do to a child and no, it is not a miracle that I have an intact relationship with my (very good, for the record) parents-who-smacked-me. Where I come from. it is very much the norm, even if the current generation does things differently to the way their parents did them.

Anyway I'm going to stop watching this topic as I've only got a few hours until Shabbos. Shabbat shalom to all!

chani8

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 6:37 am

We probably need to define 'smacked' for a more detailed discussion. Spanking with a belt is different than potching a hand. And I've seen potching and Potching with a capital P. Very different.

If I recall the stats correctly, something like 60% of parents think that spanking is bad parenting, but like 90% have spanked anyway.

Most people try it once or twice, and then hopefully realize it's not nice or necessary.

Anyway, you are sticking up for OP, which is fine. Everyone needs someone on their side.

Shabbat shalom.

observer

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 9:10 am

Brownies wrote:

I think this is way worse than smacking a child. I thank G-d I was raised by parents who occasionally slapped me but loved me and actually cared for me and not parents like these!

Guess what, it doesn't have to be one or the other, slapping or borderline neglect. There are ways to run a well disciplined home without slapping or yelling.

observer

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 9:11 am

chani8 wrote:

This sums it up!

chavs

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 9:24 am

Heidi, it is entirely possible to at the same time set boundaries and at the same time not smack. It's neither ok to be neglectful and imo not ok to smack.
Your story is horrible but doesn't really have anything to do with op smacking other than both your experience and what happened with op was wrong.

heidi

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 9:36 am

What I was trying to convey was that just like OP's friend seemed neglectful and unaware of her child's behavior, so were these relatives. It is disgusting to bite out of every challah roll on the table and to stick your hands in buffet food. Just as disgusting, in my opinion, as spitting. And these parents did nothing. So no, I didn't smack the kids, and I don't agree with OP smacking. But I was trying to say I understood her disgust and helplessness dealing with this child.

observer

Fri, Feb 19 2016, 9:56 am

heidi wrote:

The feelings she had are understandable. What she did with them is inappropriate and unacceptable.