Uninvited Passengers

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 1:13 pm

My dh and I hardly ever go away together and we're so looking forward to this relaxing private time alone and the one time we go for a yt we have to take my sister with

Amarante

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 1:29 pm

I would take a sibling especially for a four hour trip. The reality is this not such a long trip and a sibling is different than a nephew or non relative.

For an eight hour trip, I probably wouldn't want to take anyone but might might make an exception for a sibling especially if the destination was my parents. But eight hours is a LONG time to have to be in such close quarters with anyone except nuclear family or possibly a sibling.

bigblueyes

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 2:14 pm

When we were married 3 months(!!!!) we had an 8 hour journey for my brothers wedding, and my inlaws asked if they can drive with us instead of flying. I said im so sorry, but we are married barely 3 months and we really need our privacy. And I smiled prettily. Lol. I would have been crazy uncomfortable and have to sit in the back as my father in law would obviously sit in front....no way hose!

BayMom

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 2:39 pm

amother wrote:

I am afraid I will feel guilty all along

So then maybe offer to take them only one way. Like that you've done a good deed and had your mini vacation and no need to feel guilty.

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 2:43 pm

It's a spectrum.... and everyone will find their comfort level in different places along it.

8 hours is a crazy long trip. I would have a very hard time being in such close contact with someone besides dh for that long. I get carsick, I want to be able to relax, stretch out, etc. I would not feel too guilty saying no, and coming up with a bogus explanation. And if there are kids in the car, even more so, because an 8 hour car trip would be a mini nightmare for all involved. I'm not the only one who gets carsick in my family....

4 hours I would have trouble saying no to, it's not that long, so in terms of personal comfort /time gained with dh, I would not feel justified turning a family member away.

Another factor is who it is. I would never turn my younger sister away. And sorry, but turning in laws down is to me an inexcusable chutzpah.

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 3:03 pm

I think one way could be a compromise for a long trip and say making vacation out of that way and perhaps sleeping in Hotel etc. This time may be a bit late but you should be ready before you go next time to plan it so that you know and are ready to respond. You want a good relationship with sibs so sometimes it means going beyond what you prefer yet you want to be able to say no too sometimes.

amother

Maroon

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 3:25 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

he already planned to go to his parents before hearing you were traveling that way, correct? that means he planned to spend money to get there. you are not obligated to save that money for him. if having them makes you uncomfortable (totally understandable), just say no.

This really gave me clarity. Thanks

greenfire

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 5:03 pm

do you have room for me too ?

really unless your car is packed - I imagine you are NOT planning to make out in the back seat ...

every year for succos a family hired sonny boy to drive them to new york - the plus was he came back with my sister for yom tov & drove her back & then drove back the family ... sometimes people just need the ease of travel because it is too hard for them

debsey

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 5:51 pm

It depends on how much of a premium private time with your husband is. I work long hours, DH is in yeshiva, so it's rare that we get time alone. I have learned to be comfortable telling people exactly that - I'm sorry, time alone with my husband is so rare, I can't give it up, I can't offer you a ride. Once or twice I've gotten judgemental/angry responses, but usually people understand. If they don't, that's their prerogative. I don't like the idea of just saying no, why not offer people an explanation? If they disagree, they disagree.

I look at it like this - it's discomfort and discomfort. I will feel uncomfortable saying no. I will feel uncomfortable if they come. Either way, I'll feel uncomfortable. Might as well feel uncomfortable and get the time alone with my husband! And how long will my discomfort last? Five minutes? The ride is much longer.

Simple1

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 6:31 pm

I'm going to differ on one point. If you're going to say no, I think it's better to be vague and say for personal reasons it won't work out. To someone hoping for a ride, you're excuse can come across as insensitive, or uncaring, even if it's not. Not to mention, you don't always know what kind of a marriage (or not) they have.

Dandelion1

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 6:42 pm

Simple1 wrote:

I'm going to differ on one point. If you're going to say no, I think it's better to be vague and say for personal reasons it won't work out. To someone hoping for a ride, you're excuse can come across as in sensitive, or uncaring, even if it's not. Not to mention, you don't always know what kind of a marriage (or not) they have.

I agree.... It's a little white lie to spare someone's feelings... It is totally justifiable to make the "selfish" choice, I put selfish in quotations because I don't believe it's necessarily wrong to choose to do something for yourself in this regard.

But proudly announcing it is another story. Like maybe I'll choose to skip an acquaintance's simcha because it's my poker night, but I won't tell her that's the reason....

salt

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 6:21 am

I would make a distinction between singles and married. Although there are obviously exceptions, as someone said "you don't know how their marriage is".

But to tell someone unmarried - sorry but we want quality time together, would really sting, and be very insensitive.
To tell that to someone married, I think they would (or at least should) understand that.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 7:24 am

This reminds me of all the people that look for rides to the Catskills. My husband has a hard time saying no to people and it's so annoying

debsey

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 9:26 am

Simple1 wrote:

I'd rather be specific - in don't want the person to think I have something against them or I'm saying no capricious.