S/o uninvited guests; setting boundaries with relatives resp

amother

Brunette

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 12:33 pm

rowo wrote:

I was thinking the same thing.
Depending on how long you are going for, can you ask her to come for a few days or a long weekend.
I feel like it also gives you a bit more control of the situation. 'We are planning to spend the summer in California, we know how much you would love to go there, would you like to join us for a weekend. We were thinking XXX or ZZZ, what is good for you?'
Rather than 'we are going to California for the summer'
'Oh lovely, I'll think I'll come too!' - which it sounds like she is liable to say and puts you in an awkward position

Yup! I can just hear her say say that. I like your suggestion. Thing is, we're only going for about 10 days, not the whole summer. Having her join us just for shabbos sounds great. However, (I know I sound very pessimistic) I don't think she'll get it. It's quite a long trip from NJ to CA and why would she come for a weekend only, especially when she wants to sightsee. I doubt she would understand.

mummiedearest

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 12:41 pm

may I ask, OP, why you chose to go to California knowing she is likely to try to come along?

honestly, easiest thing would be to tell her you'll be in Florida, but I don't know if that's a good idea.

amother

Beige

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 11:45 pm

amother wrote:

As far as what I would want from my DIL, I can only hope and pray that my husband and I grow old together and that we are physically, mentally and emotionally healthy enough not to have to be dependent on our kids or make difficult demands. That's my prayer.... One of them.

I just want to point out that this was probably your MILs prayer as well.

youngishbear

Wed, Jun 08 2016, 1:10 am

amother wrote:

I just want to point out that this was probably your MILs prayer as well.

You'd be surprised (or maybe not, depending who you talk to IRL and how long you've been on here) that some people pray that their children keep them company and help them in old age.

It has even been put forth as a legitimate reason to have more children in the first place.

amother

cornflower

Wed, Jun 08 2016, 1:21 am

youngishbear wrote:

It has even been put forth as a legitimate reason to have more children in the first place.

Omg, I always cringed when reading such things. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it the first time. A woman writes that she doesn't want to have children and you try to convince her by telling her when you'll be old you'll have her/him to lean on for your emotional needs?

What an insanely selfish reason to bring a child into the world.

gold21

Wed, Jun 08 2016, 1:21 am

I totally get the need for space. To me, space is a basic need, lol.

I would say she can gladly come along- that is, assuming she stays in her own apartment or hotel room- one that is not adjacent to yours- and she join you for the big outings and trips, but does not spend every waking hour in your daled amos. Theres really nothing unreasonable about asking your MIL to book a room seperately from yours, and only coordinating your schedules for the big outings, allowing you to maintain a routine of your own for the times that you just chilling out in your hotel room/apartment.

Anyway, good luck and enjoy!

vicki

Wed, Jun 08 2016, 4:38 am

Am I the only one who feels intense gratitude to my parents and in-laws?
Though the trip would be different, I would never consider telling them they cannot join us.

Even if they were not perfect parents, they raised us, they sacrificed for us, they gave us whatever they had - physically, financially, emotionally until we could care for ourselves. And then they continued to host us, give gifts for occasions, the list goes on.

If your MIL is not toxic, tell her yes and give her a joyful vacation as well.

imasinger

Wed, Jun 08 2016, 6:52 am

I'm totally with gold. One can be intensely grateful to parents, demonstrate that in many ways, and still not be able to function with 3 adults in one teeny tiny space.

The nice thing about what gold suggested is that it can be spun so positively.

"Wow, we're so excited to have you join us on our trip! We've already booked the rooms for our family at X -- if you can't get a room in the same place, here are some options that are nearby. We'd love to have you join us for dinner every night, and for lunch on the following days -- and here are some trips we are planning that you may want to do with us. We're sure you will want some time to do other interesting and fun things that are just not practical for us to join you, since our kids are so little, so let's make a schedule together. This is going to be a blast!"