Need Tips on How to Handle First Crush

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 11:53 am

My 9-year old told DH and I that there is a girl in his class that he likes and he's not sure how to tell her he wants her to be his girlfriend. They are both reading the same book and he likes talking to her about it and just being around her. We are yeshivish and send to a yeshivish school, but OOT so the kids are still together for class size reasons. In our community, boys and girls do not socialize outside of school and the parties, etc. are single-gender.

We told him his feelings are totally normal but there's not much to be gained by telling her at this point. He's decided to just keep talking to her about books and writing about his feelings in his diary, which we said was a good idea. He doesn't talk to any other girls though and he's wondering if it's weird to talk to her. On that, I don't know. DH and I both grew up not religious, so boys and girls hung out all the time and it was no big deal. I want to advise him while keeping to our ideals, but don't want him to think his feelings are wrong or need to be ignored. He's my oldest. Can anyone offer tips on what is appropriate and how to word any solutions?

He wants to give her a MM on Purim which would not be typical in our community. Should I discourage it or let him give one to her since technically there's no way for them to know he only gave one to her and not all the girls? I don't want him to be embarrassed, I don't want to embarrass her, and I don't want his feelings to be viewed as wrong. I feel like I'm walking on glass dealing with this and would appreciate any assistance.

Thank you.

Anon to protect his privacy as there are people on here who know me and don't need to know his personal life.

cheeseblintz

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 11:57 am

I would tell him it's perfectly fine for him to have those feelings but in our community we encourage boys and girls not to date until they're much older. So better keep things platonic for now. I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it.

amother

Bisque

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 11:58 am

Yikes this is a can of worms here. If you are yeshivish, this is inappropriate. If you are not yeshivish, maybe it’s ok. If you are really yeshivish, I don’t understand how you send to a school that is still co-ed at 4th grade(?). If this is the last year coed, I say leave it hopefully he’ll forget about her and move on.

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 12:22 pm

amother wrote:

We live OOT with one Jewish school. Because the community is small, the classes are together until 5th grade by necessity. These things happen because of it.

I'm hoping he will move on at some point, but for now Purim is coming up and he's asking lots of questions about his feelings. I don't feel comfortable ignoring his questions completely.

amother

Bisque

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 12:27 pm

So just tell him he’s big now, and it’s not appropriate to be friends with a girl anymore. I don’t think anything more is needed. Obviously he should not give her MM because you are trying to discourage the relationship.

animeme

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 12:31 pm

In terms of the Purim thing: Many people hold that a boy doesn't give MM to just a girl (giving to her whole family is fine) and vice versa. Make a family one for her family and deliver.

doctorima

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 12:57 pm

Could your family give a MM to her family? If you want, you could let him be the one to deliver it, but make clear that it's from your family to her family, not from him to her.

amother

Emerald

Thu, Jan 25 2018, 3:05 pm

doctorima wrote:

Could your family give a MM to her family? If you want, you could let him be the one to deliver it, but make clear that it's from your family to her family, not from him to her.

This. If he gives one to her personally, her family may get uncomfortable with the situation.