It's hard for me to like my daughter

amother

Ecru

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 10:29 am

I love my daughter to pieces, but lately it's been so difficult to like her sometimes. She is 7 years old. Adorable, funny, expressive. .. but also.... an ungrateful kvetch!
I feel like I've tried from day 1 to instill a positive attitude and to teach gratitude, but to no avail. She has meltdowns almost daily about the silliest things. When someone helps her or gives her something, instead of saying thank you, she will find something to complain about.

Here are some things I've tried:
- Keep my home a positive, happy place. I have music playing, I sing and dance a lot with all the kids.
- read books and have many discussions about feeling grateful and being flexible. We role play often.
- shower her with positive attention when she does say thank you and doesn't kvetch.
- I name her feelings and try to show empathy when she has a meltdown, even though that is reeeeaaaallly hard for me. I feel ridiculous saying, "you sound disappointed. I know how difficult that is" when a seven year old is crying because she finished her favorite color ices.
- I get "busy" and don't give her too much attention when she's in a mood. As in, I'll show sympathy for a few minutes, but if she doesn't calm down, I don't want her to feel like kvetchiness is a good way of getting attention

She also has a very difficult time saying I'm sorry. She'll always get defensive instead. Like, If she steps on her sister's hand by mistake, her reaction is, "that's what happens when you put your hand on the floor "

Thank goodness, she'll say sorry and thank you if I tell her to, but at this point, I shouldn't be needing to remind her Every. Single. Time.

What am I doing wrong? ! I teach these things from the moment my kids can understand. I don't think I'm asking for too much. It's such basics; say thank you, say I'm sorry, be positive more often than not.
I don't like being around negative, ungrateful people. It makes me not want to spend time with my own daughter!

crust

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 10:40 am

Why do you think you are doing something wrong?

We all hate things we work "too" hard on. When I see my feelings towards a child are not in place, I know I have steppoed into GDs territory. I was trying too hard to make the child into a different creation.

Sometimes, its better to step back for a while, take it easy and detatch in order to attatch in a healthier way.

Kvech? Kvech.
Cry? Cry.
Not saying sorry? Dont.

She is acting like a typical 7 year old.
Yes 7 tear olds say "this is what happens when you keep your hands on the floor". (Ps I know 77 year olds that say that)

Yes 7 year olds still have to be reminded every single time to say I'm sorry but it doesn't mean you, even as the most responsible parent, has to remind her every single time. You can choose to take a break a little bit. Just let things be.

Last edited by crust on Wed, Mar 21 2018, 10:42 am; edited 1 time in total

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 10:42 am

It seems like this is your issue more than your child's. Your child is acting like some 7 year olds. You have a hard time being around a child with her disposition. Perhaps Hashem gave you this child because he wants you to work on your middos of acceptance, love, and handling people who may not have the characteristics you want.

We can try to teach our children the proper ways of behavior by modeling them, but there's a point where we have to accept that they will learn these behaviors at their own pace - not the pace we try to set. It's our job as parents to keep modeling, keep loving, keep praying...and leave the rest to Hashem. We don't get to choose pleasant little puppet children to surround ourselves with.

amother

Seashell

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 1:28 pm

OP- I also have a 7 year old. I was really struggling with her over the weekend for a different reason and then out of the blue she stopped doing what bothered me. I asked her about it and she said I thought '......." exactly what I had been telling her over and over and over and over again for years. I'm like wow it actually sunk in after seeming like I was talking to the wall. Hang in there, sometimes it seems like we might be talking to the wall but they really are processing in their own time.

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 1:43 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks for the answers, crust and chayelle. I'm going to take some time to process them.

One thing I want to say now is that I know there are 77 year old who don't say I'm sorry or thank you. And I don't like those people. When my daughter acts like that I don't like her. (Always love her, of course. Just don't enjoy bwing with her)

I know, and because there are such 77 year olds, we Jewish Moms start panicking about our 7 year old's behavior.

But she's 7, not 77.

It doesn't mean you should stop teaching her. You should continue to model correct behavior, and choose some occasions (not all) where you might even correct her or prompt her in a non-confrontational way. But at the same time, remember she's only 7, and this is normal for most 7 year olds (not discussing the Rosenbergs next door whose kids were all born angels.)

I don't know if this helps, but my DD, who will be 10 this Shabbos, was, shall we say, a more challenging child ~~than her big sisters but I know comparing is not fair~~....All of a sudden, this year (4th grade) we've suddenly seen a totally unexpected, remarkable jump in maturity and reasonableness in her nature. I would not have believed you if you would have told me last summer that this would happen.

I don't know if this is because she has finally reached a certain milestone, or Hashem has been hearing our tefillos to help us raise her, or something has reached her, or a combination and all of the above. But I do think that if you love your daughter, and continue modeling good middos and positive parenting while accepting her at the stage she is up to, you will get there B"EH.

InnerMe

Wed, Mar 21 2018, 1:48 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I know, and because there are such 77 year olds, we Jewish Moms start panicking about our 7 year old's behavior.

But she's 7, not 77.

This!!!!
Calm down, relax. Your daughter is acting her age. You sound like you're doing a lot of wonderful things already, so just give yourself a pat on the back and remind yourself that your daughter is acting like a normal healthy 7 year old.

mandksima

Thu, Mar 22 2018, 9:50 am

Just when I have the moments when I think I must be the worst mother in the world and none of my kids have internalized a single thing I've tried to teach them about proper behavior and good middos all these years, I hear them telling each other either in play or in telling off the other - the very words that I have been saying! They definitely hear what you say and teach and know right from wrong. Sooner or later they will mature and you will see their sense of right and wrong kick in. Always have faith in them! Children learn to mimic their parents and teachers, it is a given. They may choose to be disrespectful at times or seem uncaring but you should know they know the right way!

Instead of criticizing wrong behavior, it may be helpful to word the idea that you know they will do the right thing like:

"Oh, you are so good at cleaning up when you're done. Come to me when it is all done and I have something special..."

"Oh, I know the two of you will find the right words to say you're sorry and you'll work it out yourselves...I have the best kids!"

Kids hear it as if it is a truth already and know you believe in them and think highly of them. YOU hear yourself say it out loud and renew your belief in them. It doesn't really matter if they will really do the words you say this time, the optimistic feeling will sink in over time.

If you see a kid do something great that you didn't think they'd choose to do, don't go crazy complimenting. State very sincerely that you expected this great behavior from them because they are such great kids and they know very well how to do the right thing. Just simple and believable. Sometimes kids just need some positive reinforcement that they are capable of things and they are good kids. Sometimes they just pay attention to criticism and other negativity and focus on that and start believing that. This changes the atmosphere for them.

amother

Silver

Thu, Mar 22 2018, 12:04 pm

amother wrote:

She has meltdowns almost daily about the silliest things. When someone helps her or gives her something, instead of saying thank you, she will find something to complain about.

It could be normal 7 year old like others wrote. Or it could be she is a bit bored in general and not occupied with enough things to feel like she had a good day so she just ends up being kvetchy.
On busy days when she works harder and is more productive do you notice her attitude seems better ?
Sometimes when my kids get like that they become "mommy's helper" until they find something of their own that is productive to do.

Fox

Thu, Mar 22 2018, 3:21 pm

ITA with everyone's advice.

When you think about it, it's pretty amazing that most of us like our kids as well as we do. I mean, you're given this human being and a hearty mazel tov. You have no idea who you're getting! You're taking this person into your home without so much as an online review!

Seriously, though, I think what Octopus said is very important. You can be a great parent without particularly liking your kid. And even if you like your kids, there are going to be ages and stages that are awful in general or awful for particular kids.

I notice there's another thread going about a bored 8-year-old, and I was thinking back to those days with my own kids. The 6-9 ages can be tough because kids are starting to grow out of their interest in imaginative play, but they're usually not quite old enough for hobbies. They're bored with anything they consider "babyish," but they don't necessarily have the patience or persistence to undertake more demanding endeavors.

So they kvetch. Or they annoy their siblings. Or they find new and innovative ways to bring minor dysfunction to their families.

And just when you think, "I'm going to have to kill this kid," the worst will pass, and you'll get a reprieve for a few years.

Keep experimenting, OP. Do what works and stop doing what doesn't work. It sounds like you're a good mom, and your DD will be just fine.

behappy2

Thu, Mar 22 2018, 6:04 pm

My 7 year old too!

2 things that have improved things a little.

1. I give a one minute empathy and than a lesson on happiness. "When we focus on the negative we feel bad. When we focus on the positive we feel good. Let's think of something good now"

2. My son does a lot of commands. When I do request instead of command he also follows my lead and does requests which are so much more pleasant.

You do so many amazing things with her! Good for you!