I don't like my baby

3mitzvos

Thu, Mar 22 2018, 3:02 am

amother wrote:

I actually feel a lot of shame reading my post and these responses. My kids are absolutely showered with love. My husband and I give them the world emotionally. If I had not written the original post I would be yelling at this mother too. I feel guilty I put my "sometimes" feelings down on paper. She is in babysitting during the day and when I have a day off she is with me. The truth is these thoughts only creep up when I have so much to do that the anxiety is just overwhelming. It starts in my belly and just rises to my throat and she is just screaming because I opened her string cheese wrong. The hardest times are if I am trying to work with a child on homework, or the house is a mess, or I am so tired from work. I may speak to the doctor about getting meds. I know I am absolutely sleep deprived but I work a job that requires night hours. I pray for those who are davening for a child to have one really soon. I am sorry I triggered you and am not sure how to change the title. I am sorry for the poster who said she was that unwanted child. I feel bad I included that point that it was unplanned but I was thinking maybe subconsciously I needed to express that we got in over our heads a bit?

Yes, I figured you only feel this way toward your daughter "sometimes." I don't believe you are a bad mother at all. In fact, I think you are probably a great mother and I applaud you for recognizing your negative feelings and trying to change the situation. I have no doubt that you shower the kids with love most of the time. No need to feeled ashamed. I think that there are plenty of mothers who have felt the same way as you do at one point during the child-rearing stage. I also would like to stress the significance of sleep deprivation on your inability to cope well with the stress and feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated.
I will honestly say that sometimes I feel similar to you. I have very challenging children and I also have controlled generalized anxiety disorder and used to suffer from crazy panic attacks, so I'm sure that doesn't help the situation. (I am on medication, though) I also don't get close to enough sleep. When it's really bad, I'll say things to myself like, "I just can't deal with these kids!", "I don't think I was supposed to be a mother," or "I feel like running away." The point is here, that we want to be great mothers who are consistently loving and giving to our children, and all in a calm and relaxed manner with a positive attitude. Depending on your situation and on your children, this can be difficult at times. I think it's great that you finally have "let it out" and would like to now improve the situation. Hugs.

On another note, to those who struggle with infertility or have lost a child - your pain is probably greater than I can imagine and I feel horrible if reading these types of posts cause unnecessary pain. I wish you simcha, yeshuos, and good health. However, let's not try to diminish the pain the OP is going through. It's easy to say, "How dare you complain about a difficult child when I can't even have kids!" But, there is no way to measure the extent of pain another is going through. It is dependent on a number of different factors, including personality differences, physiological differences and emotional/mental states. And anyway, just because you may be experiencing deep pain, does not in any way mean that someone else shouldn't also be experiencing deep pain in a completely different situation, as with the OP.[b]

saw50st8

Thu, Mar 22 2018, 6:14 am

OP, I'm sorry people were so mean to you. Sometimes we verbalize our worst thoughts, get them out and breathe a sigh of relief for unburdening, even if we don't exactly mean the harsh things we say. Shame on the posters for attacking you, for being honest about feelings and looking to do better. It says a lot about them, not you.

It's OK to be overwhelmed with your kids at certain stages. You aren't always going to like your kids and that's OK. Some people appreciate different stages better. As you said in your original post, this too shall pass.

My advice: try to spend at least 15 minutes a day doing something that builds your relationship. Stop and sit down to play or go on short walk and stop at every crack on the sidewalk and stick and flower. And mostly, hugs to you! Take deep breaths.

DVOM

Thu, Mar 22 2018, 8:48 am

Trigger warning for those who would like to skip reading this post!!!

oh, OP, I really get you.

I love my children so much but sometimes...

One of my kids was also an unplanned pregnancy that I really wasn't ready for. I cried bitterly when I found out that I was pregnant. I struggled that whole pregnancy to accept and feel loving to the baby growing inside me that I hadn't wanted. I'll confess, under my screen name, that I actually fantasized about having a miscarriage. These thoughts caused me so much shame. I love him so much, but still sometimes feel overwhelmed by him, more so than my other kids. I try to just accept the feeling and move past it. I know that I give him a lot of love, and really delight in being his mother... most of the time.

Your load sounds very intense, OP. If I were you, I'd be looking for some way to lighten it. I know many reccomended therapy, which could be a good idea. If you dont want to go that route, what always helps me feel most connect to my kids is doing things I love with them. We'll paint together, or read together, or walk in the snow together, and that gives me the greatest sense of love and connection with them. It's so easy to get caught up in the race from dressing to breakfast, speeding off to school and work, work, work, working, pick up, supper, clean up, bath, bedtime, running, running, running, forgetting to be present, fogetting that these little souls are a present. Your post reminded me... thank you.

amother

Goldenrod

Fri, Mar 23 2018, 12:23 am

Dear OP:

Please check your daughter for sensory integration/ coordination issues.

Please take her for a speech evaluation and early intervention evaluation.

I have a child who was diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder.

He was non-verbal till four.

Difficult was an understatement. When he was 22 months I took him EVERY DAY to a

different playground for hours to keep myself sane. (we went through 5-6 playgrounds a week.)

I thought I would go out of my mind till he reached eight years of age.

Let no one make you feel guilty.

Do whatever it takes to stay sane. Even if you have to buy a new play dough every day of the week to keep her calm.

amother

Firebrick

Sat, Mar 24 2018, 9:09 pm

Ladies,
Thank you for your responses. I read every single one of them. I realized this week after the post that my anxiety is really through the roof. It is not my baby but her persistent needs that are incredibly triggering to me. When she cries, makes a mess, kvetches, it feels like a constant reminder of me not meeting her/my families needs. I also realized that in the future when I respond to people's post that words can hurt. I like to think I am an emotionally aware person so people posting I need psychiatric help ASAP was a bit of a sting. Feelings and thoughts are difficult to put into words especially if you have trouble with writing. I should not of written I don't like my baby but I just couldn't find the right words to write. I saw the spinoff post and I believe I deliberately mentioned that my post may be insensitive to those who lost children or can't have children. I am appreciative for the blessings in my life. I am aware my issue is trivial but I appreciate the community, safe space, imamother provides.

amother

Crimson

Sat, Mar 24 2018, 10:23 pm

amother wrote:

I'm hiding in the corner writing this. I feel so unappreciative and guilty and ashamed for writing this. I am so resentful of my youngest child. She wasn't planned and this stage is KILLING me. I actually wrote this same post about my middle but she outgrew the stage so I know this is temporary. She is 22 months old. She chases me around the house screaming and making messes. I feel like she rarely has redeeming qualities and just takes and takes. She communicates but still can't talk. I literally feel like a prisoner to her needs. "chips chips" and then dumps the whole bag. Screams for water and then spills it. I work full time, I have two older kids. My husband helps. I hate that I don't love her. Kvetch...kvetch...kvetch.. To be honest it takes everything I have to not scream and hit her. I don't hit her EVER but I just look at her and feel my blood boil. It feels enraging. I actually don't even yell at her cause the rational side of me knows she is a baby. I know people loose children so I feel ashamed I'm writing something so petty. I am appreciative I have her but right now with Pesach coming...I just CAN'T deal!!!

If you live in or near Brooklyn I'd be happy to come play with her to give you a break and to offer you support. I have btdt and mine is grown up now.

octopus

Sat, Mar 24 2018, 10:54 pm

amother wrote:

I'm not a psychiatrist, just a regular mom. You need sleep.Sleep deprivation can cause people to say and do things they would normally have never done. I know it's easier said than done, but with two weeks of good sleep, you may feel like a new person that can deal with the myriads of stressors that you are experiencing.