Always the hostess, never a guest....

amother

Lime

Thu, May 17 2018, 6:05 pm

I am a skilled cook and I enjoy hosting guests - I wouldn't do it otherwise. But it gets very depressing to almost never be invited out.

Out of six meals for this 3 day YT, I am hosting guests for 5 of them. The 6th we are going to my ILs. We were not invited to anyone.

My neighbors on one side tell me they are invited out for 5 meals. My neighbors on the other side for 4. We never seem to get invited anywhere.

Even after we have hosted a family 2 or 3 times, there is no reciprocation. I always wonder why. Clearly they like us enough to come here. My family is on the smaller side - we are not a burden to host. It's not that the other people never host others - we constantly see/ hear of others going to their homes for meals.

I can't figure it out. And it makes me feel like a real social outcast.

Again, I am grateful to have the means and ability to host and I even enjoy it. But I would like a break sometimes. And I would like to feel we are worth the reciprocation of an invitation.

Just feeling sad with all these meals to cook and everyone else going out, out, out to friends. And wondering what could be wrong with me/ us.

chicco

Thu, May 17 2018, 6:11 pm

Same story for us. I've been told that people are intimidated to have us because of our hosting skills.

Makes me sad. I don't show off, and I'm the last person to even subconsciously impose our 'standards' on others. Going out for us would be for the company, not fancy food. People are largely insecure. I wish it were not so.

Seas

Thu, May 17 2018, 6:13 pm

Personally I love being always a host never a guest (except very rarely to parents), so I can't really relate to your angst. But I see it bothers you.

Perhaps it's because others see you as the strong one, the one who's so geshikt that she never needs an invite.

OutATowner

Thu, May 17 2018, 6:15 pm

That must be very frustrating.
There is one family I don't invite because her husband is a professional chef and they have meals with lots of dips and extras that I just can't do. I am working on myself to get over it. And it might not be that they are intimidated, but maybe they assume you are hosting since you are so good at it. But it must be very difficult.

thunderstorm

Thu, May 17 2018, 6:27 pm

chicco wrote:

Same here! I get this from relatives too! And I don't even do fancy. I'm just a good cook and I would never think of anyone less if their cooking skills are not as good as mine! I literally have been hosting for 17 yrs and was never invited out besides to one SIL who is now divoreced and lives in a tiny space and doesn't host anymore.
I enjoy hosting though. I would have no patience to go to four different people for Seudos. I like being on my schedule and getting my nap etc. There are perks to both.

tichellady

Thu, May 17 2018, 7:03 pm

Sounds very frustrating

One idea that you can take or leave is to invite a family or two for a potluck. This way they may realize that you are not superhuman and would like to share the responsibility of making a meal. We always enjoy potlucks and I find that it’s a more even distribution

thunderstorm

Thu, May 17 2018, 9:51 pm

amother wrote:

I also host and not get invited back. This Yom Tov I am only hosting one family for one meal and that’s it.
I just feel burned out already.

It's actually my first Yom Tov I'm not hosting anybody. I'm towards the end of a pregnancy and I just need a break. But it feels weird not having anybody. We always had people for Shavuos. I plan on eating my cheesecake, reading and sleeping a lot 😊

zaq

Thu, May 17 2018, 9:54 pm

I do think that if you're "too" good a cook, people are reluctant to host you because their cooking will suffer by comparison. Also, if you host a lot, people just assume you always have guests and are never free to eat out.

cozyblanket

Fri, May 18 2018, 2:12 am

Bsha tova, Thunderstorm!

We rarely get invited out, but we almost always have guests at least once per shabbos. We have guests coming 4/6 meals this time. It would be nice to get invited out more.

Teomima

Fri, May 18 2018, 4:05 am

Have you tried dropping hints? "Oh, thank you so much for bringing this yummy salad, I only hope I can make one equally delicious for you next time we visit!" Or, ask them their favorite chicken recipe, followed by, "That sounds delicious, I'd love to come try it some time!"

That said, keep in mind there are some people for whom hosting is just too much. I've always loved having guests and used to host every week, but now we have some trouble at home that often makes it too difficult. I feel bad because we haven't extended invitations to potential new friends or reciprocated after others have hosted us, but right now it's just too much for me to handle.

amother

Cerulean

Fri, May 18 2018, 5:30 am

I never get invited out but I am always in the kitchen cooking and preparing meals. I’m so tied down to the kitchen that at this point I have started to resent it. I’m one of those people who takes a long time for everything yet I’ll still bake homemade challah and never buy any takeout food. We just like it better... but I’m so, so tired and need a break. This upcoming 3 day yomtov we are eating alone aside for one meal when we are having 2 singles. I am lonely but so washed out... I don’t know why we hardly ever get invited, perhaps this community is not into that...it’s hard since we have very little family too

amother

Orange

Fri, May 18 2018, 7:55 pm

Same here. I tell myself that I would rather be a giver than a taker, and that Abraham wasn't concerned with who invited him.

I don't know why either. It's mystery to me. A friend of mine who barely ever hosts gets invited out all the time. My husband thinks it's because he's not the life of the party at shul, even though I think he's the most personable funny person. He thinks it's who the husband wants over and... maybe? It doesn't work that way with us.

Who knows? No advice just you're not alone!