Kiddush for baby girl - but we cant afford it

causemommysaid

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 10:21 am

watergirl wrote:

Its fear mongering.

My daughter never had a kiddush. We LITERALLY lived in a town where the next frum shul was 3 hours away. She had a baby naming at shul with a minyan (10 men) and some bagels and oj. I wasnt there. Baby wasnt there. People wished mazel. The end. Is she doomed?

And MAZEL TOV!!

You did do something.

I cant say if a kiddish has an affect on shidduchim. It either does or it doesn't. My guess is not but cant know one way or another.

I think the OP should do something. Invite a few friends over for either a meal or a little something after shul and call it a day. You don't have to cave to the pressure. You wont have 300 fressers if you don't invite them.

amother

Bronze

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 11:45 am

I dont understand how simchas are so expensive in Europe but a bracelet for kallah is $200 in when in NY area we spend $2000? (from recent poll-or did I get that info wrong? and I guess from country to country it varies)

amother

Violet

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 12:00 pm

amother wrote:

We just had a beautiful baby girl ka"h after years of waiting for her. Normally, people give a kiddush for a girl, some say it has some spiritual ramifications on her life if you do not do that.
The issue is, that, here in our place, the standard for a girl kiddush is from 4500 dollar up (lately more like 8000), people bring in cakes from abroad and all that. Plus there usually are several simchas on a shabbos so your kiddush is directly competing with others. We cannot (and do not want to) afford that craze. But we do not want to skip the kiddush altogether.
Sharing it with someone is no option.
We are BT and have zero family support. The next substantially frum shul is 5 hours drive away (we are NOT in NYC), so going away for it is no option, either.
What would you do?

Mazel Tov.

The $8000 kiddush, and a $50 kiddush provide the same spiritual protection for your daughter.

Name daughter on a Monday/Thursday. Dh bring a bottle of wine to shul, and a couple packages of cookies. L'chaim!

Lucky you that you live in a place where you can participate in so many elaborate simchas. Enjoy them all.

tichellady

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 12:04 pm

Just do something special to celebrate the birth of your daughter. It could be a dinner or Shabbat meal with guests or invite a few friends over for brunch or something and let it be known that you are celebrating your daughter’s birth.

amother

Peach

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 12:16 pm

amother wrote:

The recent poll was talking about in England, and specific litivish (not chassidish) circles.
When someone says they live in Europe, it usually means a country over the Channel. She could be living in Antwerp, France, Gribaltar, Switzerland, Holland etc.
And anyway, there are wealthier circles in every place...

amother

Bisque

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 2:41 pm

mamushka: this!

do what you CAN do.

share the kiddush with somebody else. choose the least expencive shtibl.

serve what you can afford, ask heimishe families to bring cakes etc.

keep it simple, skip nice plastic, napkins and flowers.

and ENJOY the simcha. Shep naches get all brochos and mazal tovs for your little princess, may she always bring you joy and may she live 120 healthy years!!!!!!!

InnerMe

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 3:19 pm

So interesting for me to read about such a community.

Would you be willing to buck the trend and make something small and intimate?

As you say there are several gvirim who started this trend, with the rest unable to keep up. Perhaps by you standing up and doing what works for you, this will give others the freedom to do the same. Discuss it with someone in your community that shares this view, and see what she thinks. It helps to get support if you take this step.

naturalmom5

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 4:09 pm

Fellow BT with zero support here..

A few containers of herring, a case of soda
A few cakes from the store or homemade
Some liquor. And THATS ALL FOLKS

Anyone who doesn't like it is cordially invited to give you a check to provide more...

hesha

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 5:14 pm

I have definitely heard of the kiddush - shidduch connection but I would find out if its necessary for you to be present at the kiddush in order for it to be in honor of your daughter. I don't think you have to be. In that case - you can help sponsor a kiddush in any little shul anywhere. A friend's shul, etc. Just pay in $100 dollars and youre done. Many shuls have a standard kiddush which the gabbai takes care of, and the baal hasimcha just sponsors it - don't have to actually do the prep.

thunderstorm

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 5:16 pm

InnerMe wrote:

Also I'm chassidish and I have never heard of this kiddush-shidduch connection.

Another thing discovered on Ima:)

I actually heard it from Litvish circles like Rav Chaim Kanievsky.

My parents didn't make me or my sister a Kiddush. When we were teens my father heard about this Inyan and sponsored the Kiddush one week in shul in our honor.

amother

Floralwhite

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 5:49 pm

hesha wrote:

That's what we did. We sent $100 to a Shul in a different city to sponsor the Kiddush in honor of our daughter's birth. They have a Kiddush every week, it's fancier with a sponsor.

Optione

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:19 pm

animeme wrote:

Can you identify a few families with whom you are close? Pick a Shabbos and invite them over and have a few cakes and some fruit and l'chaims. Let them offer to bring things, and/or buy at the store. Feel free to explain, if it is necessary, that you are doing something small because that's what works for you with this new baby- not up to the balagan. Will you have the standard big one? Would be nice at some point, but it's hard to see past the new baby right now. Of course, if you're happy to explain that it's about money, gezunteheit.

This is brilliant. What of you invite a few families for dessert after the Shabbos day meal? The reason for the kiddush is for the tinokes to get brachos. You accomplish that by having dessert.

amother

Wheat

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 7:26 pm

Please invite a few people to your house for dessert and tell them it’s an informal kiddush.

$4500 is INSANE!!!!

Did your dh give out cake and schnapps in Shul when he named her? I was told that if a lchaim was made it’s sufficient and you don’t need to make a lavish kiddush

Mazel Tov!!! Lots of nachas from your daughter!!

amother

Green

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 8:03 pm

In some circles there is an inyan to have a kiddish for a baby girl. There are sources and good reasons for it. I’m surprised you are looking to ditch it because of peer pressure. I would also be very surprised if EVERYONE is really making a kiddish on such a high standard. I think you should hold your head up high and make a kiddish on a standard YOU can afford. Everyone else can jump in the lake. Don’t worry about what other people say, and don’t try to impress them. A kiddish brings Bracha to the baby and you shouldn’t ditch it because your intimidated by the town ashirim. Ps. Sounds like this won’t be a good place for you to live in the long run.
Pps. I’m familiar with a few (chasidish) kehilos in Europe and I’m surprised by this - I’ve never heard of such a universal standard.

cookiewriter

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 9:59 pm

U must make a kiddush. I know people who made for their daughters who were older and not getting married. They made the kiddush (bec they realized they never did) and boom the girls got married. U can do it in a year. Just do it! We did just for men in shul and in the house for women. Cake salads fruit

amother

Rose

Wed, Jun 20 2018, 11:16 pm

We did a small dessert ‘kiddush’ for my daughter, only for the families on my floor of our building. It was beautiful and intimate, and cost barely anything. It also allowed us to actually spend time with and socialize with our close neighbors. It was definitely something different, but everyone appreciated it!