Sheva Brachos on my own- ok to ask for help?

amother

Beige

Tue, Oct 09 2018, 8:45 pm

It's just really really awkward whichever way we go. I don't want her to have to go begging people to make her Sheva Brachos. I don't want her to have to uninvite people she already invited, and I don't want (can't?) make Sheva Brachos for 50 people alone.

Maybe I should change the title of this thread to "how to make Sheva Brachos for 50 people for $50", because that's about how much I thought I was going to be spending when I signed up for this.

Oy.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Oct 09 2018, 8:48 pm

amother wrote:

She already invited them? are you sure that she isn't 'throwing this' dinner for herself and ou are just helping her?

amother

Beige

Tue, Oct 09 2018, 8:54 pm

amother wrote:

She already invited them? are you sure that she isn't 'throwing this' dinner for herself and ou are just helping her?

Yes, I'm sure. She even gave a few of them my contact info and they've been in touch to ask about time and location. She has no idea how Sheva Brachos typically works.

I'm going to call her tomorrow to talk it through with her. Oy. I'm not looking forward.

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Oct 09 2018, 8:58 pm

amother wrote:

sent a message that I'd love to help with Sheva Brachos .

This is what I would say or write to her:
Dear Betty,
I regret that in my initial text in which I offered to help with Sheva brachos I wasn't specific about what kind of help I had in mind. I regret my vagueness because I can see it may have sounded like I was offering to host a Sheva brachos, when what I really meant was that I could host a sb of about ten people (minyan). As much as I would love to host your list of 50, it's beyond my financial and physical means. Kindly let me know if you can pare down the list to 10 people, and if you can I'm happy to go forward with my offer. Otherwise, I'm so terribly sorry, I wont be able to follow through. Once again, my sincere apologies for failing to be clear about my intentions from the get-go."

Op. What did you have in mind when you said , "I'd love to help with sb"?

amother

Silver

Tue, Oct 09 2018, 9:03 pm

If it were me
1. I would let the Kalla know that I can only host 20 ppl, this includes all family
2. I would ask ppl to help
3. Simple, cheap menu
4. Simple but nice paper goods, you could ask others to participate in this.

Try to find easy dishes to make that I can stretch with cheaper starches

Homemade garlic Rolls/knots
Israelí Salad - pre plated

Buffet or Family style
Chicken and rice - mostly rice with little pieces of chicken
pasta bolanise - mostly pasta with a little bit of ground beef
Corn Soffle/Kugel
Sweet Potato Black Bean salad

Dunkin Hines Brownies
Homemade ice cream

Not sure how much this will cost
But keep in mind paper goods (which can be most of your budget)
Soda

Last edited by amother on Tue, Oct 09 2018, 9:19 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Beige

Tue, Oct 09 2018, 9:09 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks. That was very helpful.

Around here people say "I'd love to help with Sheva Brachos" and then the baalei simcha tell you the other people who offered and you work out days and groups together. Or they ask someone else to coordinate and tell you to contact that person. I've been involved in many, many Sheva Brachos and I've always sent the same initial message and it has never ended like this.

amother

Cyan

Tue, Oct 09 2018, 9:09 pm

amother wrote:

I don't think OP was vague enough for her to push 50 people on her. I wouldn't take responsibility.

amother

Wheat

Tue, Oct 09 2018, 9:19 pm

amother wrote:

I don't think OP was vague enough for her to push 50 people on her. I wouldn't take responsibility.

it may have sounded like she was offering to take on one of the sheva brachos. in my experience the kallah is not involved in hooking ppl up to host the sheva brachos together. ppl figure that out on their own and then offer, or offer and then find co-hosts.

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Oct 09 2018, 10:13 pm

amother wrote:

Oh, ok, so can you tell her this is what you had in mind when you offered to help?

amother

Sienna

Tue, Oct 09 2018, 10:54 pm

Given the unusual situation do you have friends or family who could take it on with you as a chessed?

and you could do what you said in your post, both ask guests to join in as hostesses and make a simple menu and cut guest list to minyan size -- you can tell her the truth the other is not in your budget and so on and she will have to tell people.

if it is a situation like she is getting married out of town and this is the only one so she invited "everyone" well you cannot and did not offer to host a meal for all her guests who can't make it to the wedding. It is what it is and you have to just tell her the truth with apologies. She may have some other options she can plan. So Id tell her as soon as possible.
She may not be aware of how it works or even social graces but this is the reality.
I mean what other options do you have?
unless again there is something out of the box like her or your shul hosting it.
Does she have family there?

if she is insistent about 50 and there is really something else going on here then she can book that hall and pay for it including it in wedding expenses or do something of that type of thing. Your job is to tell her what you can do and educate her and apologize for any misunderstanding. Then the ball is in her court. You can't do what you can't do. You can help her brainstorm solutions if she wants.
Sounds more and more like she is getting married out of town and told people about this sheva brochos like if they couldn't go. You will have to let her know how things are done. She can't shoehorn that goal, hosting people celebrating who can't make it to her out of town wedding, into your offer to help host a sheva brocho. You have experience on your side and even if you wanted to do what she wants you cannot.She may want or have to rethink and plan to put in her budget some type of at home reception or sheva brocha to serve her purpose.

Iymnok

Tue, Oct 09 2018, 11:05 pm

It’s not her job to invite people. For sheva brachos the host invites and the chosson and kallah give them a list of names to be included.

Everyone is right about being straight up about it. You still have a few weeks. Oftentimes nothing is finalized until the week of.

She seems ignorant of normal protocol.

I’d be clear that you are limited on space, energy and budget.
You will have to get some of those invited to help with set up, clean up and serving.

amother

Salmon

Tue, Oct 09 2018, 11:28 pm

amother wrote:

Can you use maaser money for this?

amother

Cyan

Wed, Oct 10 2018, 12:40 am

amother wrote:

It's like the kallah wants OP to fund and host her second reception .

animeme

Wed, Oct 10 2018, 12:51 am

amother wrote:

Can you use maaser money for this?

This, or something similar.

It sounds like she may be either socially awkward and/or very unconnected to the community and its ways (did she grow up very differently?) She may really need this sheva brachos done and had no clue how so she's grasping at you, hoping you'll figure it out.

In any of these cases, can you approach the rebbetzin of her shul (or of your shul) and explain and ask for help? There may be a fund for this type of thing. Maybe the cost of a shul hall can be donated, or there are people who could help.

And I would definitely include a "what can you bring?" with any calls to community members (vs her family). An "I don't know/have time.." can be answered with a need for soda or bottled water or decent plasticware or a lot of things that can just be picked up, including dessert.

Last edited by animeme on Wed, Oct 10 2018, 12:58 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Red

Wed, Oct 10 2018, 12:54 am

You're basically stuck with it and there's no way out!! I would suggest to keep the costs down, do it buffet style. I was once in a similar situation, so I put out loads of salads (pasta, israeli, potato, cucumber etc) a fish or cold cut platter, assorted small rolls and drinks. You could add something like a hot potato kugel or knishes. This is the most cheapest and works very well. Good luck!

33055

Wed, Oct 10 2018, 3:21 am

amother wrote:

She is not stuck with it unless she allows herself to be. No one deserves to have this done to them. Did you read the part where OP wants to spend max $50 which is generous already.