Fed up with my 8 year old

Rappel

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 8:53 pm

amother wrote:

I'm the OP. Thank you for all the feedback. I'm really not looking for her appreciation, I'm looking for some decency in return for everything done for her. Just to illustrate what our day looked like. I got a call from school that she refuses to go to lunch because it's too much noise in the lunch room. My husband decided he was going to pick her up early and have a heart to heart talk with her. They went out for ice cream and bowling (spending about 3 hours together). When it came time to do homework, she was screaming and crying that school takes up her whole life and she's not doing her homework. We told her we'll give her a small treat for every answer she does (like a winky). She pulled through on her homework. By 8:15 me and my husband were discussing putting up a shelf we had bought for her room. Which, as soon as I brought it home, my husband had run out to Home Depot to buy the right screw. But when we realized it's really time for bed, we said we'll put it up tomorrow. She lay on the floor and kicked her feet and screamed and cried that we never do anything for her, we never keep our word (there was never any word given about when it would go up), actually it was a total surprise for her that I had even bought it. The night ended by my locking myself in my room and her howling about how rotten I am that I ruin everything. Im just totally overwhelmed by her.

Disclaimer: I have No experience with ADHD AT ALL.

3 possible pitfalls I see in this post:
1. Every time she acted out, your daughter got attention for it - time with her dad, candies for homework, and finally a late bedtime after having scared you away (I assume someone still put her to bed, so she still had one-on-one with at least one parent).
2. Kids + sugar = off the wall. Ice cream, and then candies, with no lunch in sight? The sugar crash alone may have made her moody.
3. It sounds like she made it to bed fairly late. If that's her usual, then she may be exhausted.

By no means am I excusing her behavior. But these simple fixes may help improve her disposition.

amother

Indigo

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:19 pm

Just read first few posts where you write how you give and give and give and she isn't grateful and only wants more. Right- because you made yourself into a shmatta, so now she expects you to be the shmatta.

With love in your words and deeds, you can and must gently say "no." I'm sorry I didn't read the thread, but does picking up her dirty socks mean "you give and give?" That's like giving a cat milk day after day and complaining it won't leave. "I'm sorry honey, you need to be picking up your socks each day. I'm sorry sweetie, you need to get your own cereal." By now you've realized that endless giving just made her demand/expect more.

amother

Indigo

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:23 pm

amother wrote:

Without fanfare, without reacting, say once or twice firmly, "I'm sorry that it didn't work out today to get your shelf installed. That is very frustrating. I also get frustrated sometimes. But it is bedtime now and you must go to bed." Then walk away. Don't "feed" the anger by cajoling, bribing, punishing, or in any way addressing it. You said your piece once or twice and that's it. She yells and screams (like a toddler!) because you react to her yelling and screaming. My life has been CHANGED by reading Sara Chana Radcliff's books. She is wonderful. You can sign up for her daily emails.

seeker

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:25 pm

Noisy lunchroom and refusing to go by teacher direction sounds like a legitimate sensitivity. I would strongly recommend partnering with the school to come up with a solution to that, assuming that today was not the first time she complained of that. She's clearly a sensitive person in general and a school lunchroom can be a nightmare for those.

But other than that, it sounds like many of the other problems could probably be tamed with some parent coaching. It sounds like things have spun out of your control and you need a big reset button. Don't go to a parenting class, see if you can get a personal coach to help you figure out a way to set things straight. I know there's an organization in Brooklyn called Toshia that matches people up with coaches for ADHD among other things. Google wasn't helpful but if you need, I can get you an email address or phone number. I don't personally know people who had experience with their ADHD coaches but I have the organization's contact info on file just in case.

Is this your oldest child? And is your illustration of how the day went typical? Because to me it doesn't sound like a typical day, and a day with so many schedule changes can really throw anyone off.

nechamad

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 11:15 pm

OP- I can really relate to your situation. I have more than one child with ADHD and one who is particularly sensitive to stimuli. I can understand how draining it is to give and give and then hear your child say that you don't understand them, care about them, etc. I also have had the feeling that I love the child because he/she is my child, but I'm having trouble liking that child because of their very difficult behavior.
I want to tell you that it really can get better. Thank G-d my children are doing beautifully, and we have a wonderful relationship - and it is still a work in progress!
Please PM me. I am not a parenting expert or supermom, but I have some thoughts based on my own experience.