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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Preschoolers
amother
Blonde
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Wed, Dec 12 2018, 3:19 pm
Our 4.5 year old middle ds more and more displays a leaning towards nastyness and sadism. I'm beginning to be a bit frightened of him.
His siblings never were/are like that.
He likes to hurt and hit both his older and his younger sibling and grins when they scream or cry. He deliberately steals or breaks their things. He does things that he knows are forbidden, big and small ones: today he emptied an expensive perfume bottle of mine on the floor. He has dented our car. He emptied the sand from his shoes deliberately onto my bed. He has thrown away and "vanished" new shoes he didn't like. He sometimes sweeps things deliberately off shelves or off the table when walking past them. He steals other children's toys on the playground and sneaks them home. He is chutzpedik, sticks out his tongue when we try to talk to him and he repeatedly hits dh who is very lenient with him (he doesn't hit me because I made it clear to him that I hit back). On Shabbat, he deliberately wipes his hands or mouth on dh's and my clothes to make them dirty. In recent days he's taken to peeing in the garbage bin in the bathroom instead of the toilet. He tries to threaten us. When I put him in his room as a punishment, he jumped out of the window (high ground level)
We have disciplinary problems with our other children as well, but they don't have that deliberate meanness at least.
In his kindergarten, he behaves perfectly well, according to his teachers. He even gets stickers for sharing and cleaning up and so on and is no bully there. Only at home he turns into a little monster.
Anyone experience anything similar? What did you do and how did your dc develop later on? Did it get better or worse? Did any form of therapy help?
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mha3484
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Wed, Dec 12 2018, 3:25 pm
I have an older child that is VERY impulsive. He has done many of the things you have listed in this post when he was in preschool. Its getting better as he gets older with a combo of 1) therapy 2) reading the book the explosive child and 3) eventually medication for ADHD. Now he still does somethings that are not nice to his siblings but its a lot better then it used to be.
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amother
Pewter
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Wed, Dec 12 2018, 4:01 pm
I grew up with a younger brother like this. It was awful. I wish my parents had put him on meds for ADHD. He was wild, defiant, violent... one of the reasons I left home as soon as I could. Most of it I can’t remember in detail because I’ve suppressed the memories but I know it was bad. Being peed on, bitten, sworn at, had my possessions destroyed. I was embarrassed to invite friends over because I never knew what would happen.
As he grew older he got kicked out of school for selling drugs, completely dropped Judaism.
Now he’s in his mid 20s BH he calmed down a lot and got his life together. He married (unfortunately not Jewish) and has a daughter. He went back to school, got a degree and now has a job. He got into meditation and martial arts for a while and that helped. He also works out a lot.
He told me he has no memory of how bad he was, that he can’t remember anything he did growing up.
My advice would be to seek a diagnosis for your son and put him on meds if there is that option alongside behavioral therapy and books such as The Explosive Child. And protect your other children.
B’hatzlacha raba.
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amother
Denim
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Wed, Dec 12 2018, 6:48 pm
Watch Super Nanny and utilize discipline ie time outside, corner etc according to her method.
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mha3484
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Wed, Dec 12 2018, 6:51 pm
I strongly disagree. I think this level of behavior calls for an evaluation not supernanny. This is a kid who is really struggling. A 4 year is still a baby he needs kindness and empathy. Not being shoved in a corner.
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amother
Maroon
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Wed, Dec 12 2018, 6:57 pm
If your home is stable and there is no known trauma or abuse, chances are these behaviors are neurological/biological rather than emotional. There can be lots of biological causes for rage, aggression, lack of compassion, impulsivity and oppositional defiant behaviors but pans/pandas comes to mind as one of the most common ones. My advice would be to have him evaluated by a pans/pandas literate MD. Good luck!
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amother
Denim
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Wed, Dec 12 2018, 8:35 pm
mha3484 wrote: | I strongly disagree. I think this level of behavior calls for an evaluation not supernanny. This is a kid who is really struggling. A 4 year is still a baby he needs kindness and empathy. Not being shoved in a corner. |
OP mentioned having other disciplinary issues. My neighbor has a 7 yr old like this and other kids who are just rude. Her and her husband are not consistent and dont discipline their kids. Consistently discipline will let OP know if that was the issue or if it needs more of an evaluation which she will figure out soon enough.
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